Ask the Unfaithful

James & Sam
  • 4.9 (37)
  • Self-Improvement

The Ask The Unfaithful Podcast, is a safe place for both Unfaithful and Betrayed Partners to find hope and healing. This podcast draws on both our personal and professional experience to provide expert insight into the mind of the Unfaithful, and how their behaviors traumatically affect the life, heart and even brain plasticity of Betrayed Partners. Ask the Unfaithful is hosted by two Unfaithfuls in long-term recovery, James and Sam: Therapist and coach James Annear who co-owns CORE Relationship Recovery with his wife, Sharon Rinearson. They have been helping couples recover from the traumatic impacts of infidelity, sexually compulsive behaviors and addiction for over a decade. Formerly with Affair Recovery and now host of Sam's Healing Podcast, Sam has been producing videos for almost 10 years and helping to care for those in crisis due to infidelity and addiction for almost 15 years.

  1. 4d ago

    5 PATTERNS THAT CAN CAUSE THE UNFAITHFUL TO CHEAT (AND TO FAIL IN BETRAYAL RECOVERY)

    Why do unfaithful partners cheat and why do they have such a hard time staying in recovery? The answer is almost never just one reason. In this episode of Ask the Unfaithful, James  and Sam explore five of the most common psychological behavior patterns in the unfaithful—and explain how these patterns often develop long before an affair ever begins. Rather than simply focusing on the behavior itself, this episode examines the underlying psychological dynamics that make betrayal possible and recovery impossible if they aren't addressed.  Understanding these patterns doesn't excuse betrayal—but it does explain it. And once you understand the pattern, you can begin to change it. Whether you're an unfaithful partner trying to understand why you betrayed your partner, or a betrayed partner desperately trying to make sense of what happened, this conversation provides practical insight, clinical understanding, and hope for genuine recovery. In this episode you'll learn: • Why infidelity is usually driven by psychological patterns—not isolated bad decisions  • The five common behavior patterns we repeatedly see in unfaithful partners  • How multiple patterns combine to dramatically increase risk of infidelity and relapse • The devastating impact these patterns have on betrayed partners even before discovery • Practical recovery strategies for interrupting these patterns in real time  • Why understanding your pattern is essential if you want lasting change  One of the most important ideas in this episode is that understanding your pattern explains your behavior—but changing your pattern changes your future. Recovery is not simply about stopping acting out behaviors. It's about becoming a different person. If you are serious about healing after infidelity, this episode provides a roadmap for identifying the hidden psychological dynamics that keep people stuck—and how to begin rewiring them. Remember: Learn your patterns. Interrupt them. Rewire them. That's how lasting change happens. 📬 Connect With Us: Have a question or a topic you want us to address? Email: AskTheUnfaithful@gmail.com Need help healing? Visit HopeForUs.com Work with James & Sharon: Info@HopeForUs.com Work with Sam: SamsHealingPodcast@gmail.com 👉 If this episode resonates with you, please like, share, and subscribe for more conversations on betrayal trauma, affair recovery, and building trust again. ------ Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com Contact us: AskTheUnfaithful@gmail.com 🔗 Need help healing? Visit HopeForUs.com (Email: Info@HopeForUs.com ) or email Sam at SamsHealingPodcast@gmail.com 📬 Reach out: asktheunfaithful@gmail.com 🎧 Find us on Apple, Spotify, and everywhere podcasts are found. Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingpodcast Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157 Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery    ⚠️ Note: This episode is educational, not therapy. Please reach out for professional guidance at AskTheUnfaithful@gmail.com to learn more about coaching or intensive options.

  2. Jul 2

    THE ONE ACTION THAT UNLOCKS THE UNFAITHFUL'S RECOVERY WORK

    What is the ONE action that unlocks real recovery for the unfaithful? In this powerful episode of Ask The Unfaithful, James Annear and Sam reveal the single most important shift that determines whether recovery actually works—or quietly fails. After betrayal, most unfaithful partners focus on external behaviors—apologies, transparency, doing "the right things." But without internal credibility, none of it sticks. Because here's the truth: If you don't trust yourself, no one else will be able to trust you either. This episode breaks down how self-trust becomes the foundation of integrity, empathy, and relational safety - and how learning to rebuild it unlocks everything else in recovery. You'll learn practical tools you can start using TODAY. 🔹 In This Episode, You'll Learn: • Why self-trust is the foundation of all recovery work • How betrayal damages your internal sense of reliability • The hidden ways shame, projection, and mistrust sabotage healing • Why recovery is about becoming believable to yourself again • How keeping small promises daily rewires your brain for safety • The role of consistency, transparency, and accountability • How somatic (body-based) work restores trust from the inside out • Why self-compassion is not weakness - but emotional regulation • How rebuilding self-trust directly impacts your partner's ability to heal 🔹 The Core Truth From This Episode: Recovery doesn't begin when you stop failing. It begins when your actions consistently align with your values. Or as James puts it: 👉 "Rebuilding self-trust isn't just about doing better - it's about becoming believable to yourself again." 🔹 This Episode Is For You If: • You're an unfaithful partner struggling to stay consistent in recovery • You feel like you're "doing the work" but nothing is changing • You want to rebuild trust, integrity, and emotional safety • You're ready to move from shame → accountability → growth 🔹 Key Topics Infidelity recovery Self-trust and accountability Betrayal trauma healing Rebuilding integrity after cheating Transparency and consistency Emotional regulation and nervous system healing Relationship repair after betrayal 💬 Please Comment below: How does this episode resonate with you? 📬 Connect With Us: Have a question or a topic you want us to address? Email: AskTheUnfaithful@gmail.com Need help healing? Visit HopeForUs.com Work with James & Sharon: Info@HopeForUs.com Work with Sam: SamsHealingPodcast@gmail.com 👉 If this episode resonates with you, please like, share, and subscribe for more conversations on betrayal trauma, affair recovery, and building trust again. ------ Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com Contact us: AskTheUnfaithful@gmail.com 🔗 Need help healing? Visit HopeForUs.com (Email: Info@HopeForUs.com ) or email Sam at SamsHealingPodcast@gmail.com 📬 Reach out: asktheunfaithful@gmail.com 🎧 Find us on Apple, Spotify, and everywhere podcasts are found. Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingpodcast Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157 Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery    ⚠️ Note: This episode is educational, not therapy. Please reach out for professional guidance at AskTheUnfaithful@gmail.com to learn more about coaching or intensive options.

  3. Jun 17

    IS THE UNFAITHFUL SLEEPWALKING THROUGH BETRAYAL RECOVERY?

    How conscious are you of your actions and how they impact your own recovery, your betrayed's recovery and your relational recovery?  In this powerful episode of Ask The Unfaithful, James and Sam explore one of the most uncomfortable truths about infidelity recovery: Many unfaithful partners aren't fully conscious of the patterns driving their choices even in recovery. That doesn't mean infidelity wasn't a choice—it absolutely was. But those choices - and many of our choices in recovery - often happen inside a system of unconscious behaviors, unexamined beliefs, and automatic coping strategies. Drawing inspiration from Anthony de Mello's book Awareness, James and Sam discuss how validation seeking, conflict avoidance, compartmentalization, rationalization, and secrecy can become so automatic that unfaithful partners wake up one day asking: "How did I become this person?" You'll learn: ✅ What "sleepwalking" through infidelity recovery really means ✅ Why good intentions are not enough to rebuild trust ✅ How defense mechanisms protect a fragile self-concept ✅ Why awareness is the beginning of integrity ✅ How validation seeking and conflict avoidance interrupt the recovery process ✅ The difference between managing appearances and building character ✅ Practical steps to interrupt autopilot patterns and create lasting change Real recovery begins when you stop asking: "How do I avoid consequences?" And start asking: "What inside me allowed this to happen?" Lasting recovery is built through awareness, honesty, accountability, and consistent action over time. 💬 Please Comment below: How does this episode resonate with you? 📬 Connect With Us: Have a question or a topic you want us to address? Email: AskTheUnfaithful@gmail.com Need help healing? Visit HopeForUs.com Work with James & Sharon: Info@HopeForUs.com Work with Sam: SamsHealingPodcast@gmail.com ------ Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com Contact us: AskTheUnfaithful@gmail.com 🔗 Need help healing? Visit HopeForUs.com (Email: Info@HopeForUs.com ) or email Sam at SamsHealingPodcast@gmail.com 📬 Reach out: asktheunfaithful@gmail.com 🎧 Find us on Apple, Spotify, and everywhere podcasts are found. Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingpodcast Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157 Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery    ⚠️ Note: This episode is educational, not therapy. Please reach out for professional guidance at AskTheUnfaithful@gmail.com to learn more about coaching or intensive options.

  4. Jun 6

    BREADCRUMBING: HOW THE UNFAITHFUL CREATE A TRAUMA BOND THAT KEEPS THE BETRAYED POWERLESS TO HEAL

    What is breadcrumbing, and why is it one of the most damaging patterns an unfaithful partner can engage in during recovery? In this episode of Ask The Unfaithful, James and Sam explore how breadcrumbing keeps betrayed partners emotionally attached to potential rather than reality and why inconsistent effort can be even more damaging than no effort at all.  Many unfaithful partners don't intentionally manipulate their betrayed partner through breadcrumbing. But when moments of connection are followed by withdrawal, when promises aren't followed by action, and when bursts of effort replace consistency, the impact is the same as if it were deliberate: 👉 confusion 👉 instability 👉 trauma activation 👉 loss of trust 👉 emotional wellbeing becomes dependent on the Unfaithful's actions You'll learn: ✅ What breadcrumbing actually is ✅ How breadcrumbing differs from genuine repair ✅ The connection between breadcrumbing and trauma bonding ✅ Why love bombing is often a form of breadcrumbing ✅ How inconsistency creates emotional dependence ✅ Why grand gestures fail to rebuild trust ✅ The real reasons unfaithful partners breadcrumb ✅ Practical steps to stop breadcrumbing and create safety 💬 Please Comment below: How does this episode resonate with you? 📬 Connect With Us: Have a question or a topic you want us to address? Email: AskTheUnfaithful@gmail.com Need help healing? Visit HopeForUs.com Work with James & Sharon: Info@HopeForUs.com Work with Sam: SamsHealingPodcast@gmail.com ------ Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com Contact us: AskTheUnfaithful@gmail.com 🔗 Need help healing? Visit HopeForUs.com (Email: Info@HopeForUs.com ) or email Sam at SamsHealingPodcast@gmail.com 📬 Reach out: asktheunfaithful@gmail.com 🎧 Find us on Apple, Spotify, and everywhere podcasts are found. Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingpodcast Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157 Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery

  5. May 21

    10 Hallmarks of Authentic Betrayal Recovery In The Unfaithful

    Are you actually doing the work… or just going through the motions? In this episode of Ask The Unfaithful, Sam and James break down 10 powerful signs of authentic recovery—and how to know if you're truly changing… or just performing.  If you're the unfaithful partner trying to rebuild trust, this episode will challenge you directly. And if you're the betrayed partner, this will help you recognize real change vs empty effort. This is not about perfection. It's about pattern change, emotional maturity, and integrity over time. 🔑 In This Episode, You'll Learn: • The difference between authentic recovery vs performative recovery  • Why recovery is a direction—not a switch  • The 10 clearest signs that real change is happening  • What actually rebuilds trust after betrayal (and what doesn't)  • How defensiveness, avoidance, and shame show up—and how to interrupt them  • Why consistency matters more than intensity  • What betrayed partners are really feeling when recovery is genuine  • How to move from compliance → transformation  ⚠️ A Hard Truth: Recovery isn't about trying hard when someone is watching. It's about who you are when no one is watching. 💥 This Episode Is For You If: • You're the unfaithful partner trying to rebuild trust  • You're unsure if your recovery efforts are "enough"  • You struggle with defensiveness, avoidance, or inconsistency  • You want to stop causing harm—and start creating safety  • You're the betrayed partner trying to assess if change is real  🔄 Core Message: Your partner doesn't need perfection. They need to see that you are becoming someone different. 💬 Please Comment below: How does this episode resonate with you? 📬 Connect With Us: Have a question or a topic you want us to address? Email: AskTheUnfaithful@gmail.com Need help healing? Visit HopeForUs.com Work with James & Sharon: Info@HopeForUs.com Work with Sam: SamsHealingPodcast@gmail.com ------ Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com Contact us: AskTheUnfaithful@gmail.com 🔗 Need help healing? Visit HopeForUs.com (Email: Info@HopeForUs.com ) or email Sam at SamsHealingPodcast@gmail.com 📬 Reach out: asktheunfaithful@gmail.com 🎧 Find us on Apple, Spotify, and everywhere podcasts are found. Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingpodcast Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157 Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery

  6. May 9

    15 LANGUAGE SHIFTS THE UNFAITHFUL CAN USE TO REBUILD TRUST AFTER BETRAYAL

    If you're trying to rebuild trust after betrayal, your words matter more than you think as James and Sam discussed in the previous episode of Ask The Unfaithful. In this episode, Sam and James break down 15 critical language shifts that move the conversation from harmful words that destroy trust to healing phrases that begin to rebuild it.  This is not about scripts or saying the "right thing." It's about becoming someone who communicates with ownership, empathy, and emotional presence. After infidelity, betrayed partners aren't just listening to what you say—they're watching for vital change in you. This episode gives you clear, direct examples of: • Harmful phrases that shut down healing (and why they cause more damage)  • Healing language that builds safety, trust, and connection  • How defensiveness, minimization, and shame show up in communication  • What to say when your partner is triggered, angry, or asking the questions repeatedly • How to respond without shutting down, blaming, or avoiding  • Real-time tools to catch yourself before you say something harmful  • The neuroscience of how healing language actually rewires your brain  You'll also learn: • The difference between protecting yourself vs. rebuilding your relationship  • How to stay present in hard conversations instead of escaping them  • How to repair communication mistakes in real time  Core Truth: Every harmful statement protects you. Every healing statement chooses your partner—and the relationship—over your discomfort.  This episode is for you if: • You're the unfaithful partner trying to rebuild trust  • You struggle with defensiveness, shame, or shutting down  • You don't know what to say during hard conversations  • You want to stop making things worse and start making real repair  🔑 Key Topics: healing communication after infidelity, rebuilding trust, betrayal trauma, emotional accountability, relationship repair, conflict communication, shame vs guilt, love after betrayal 💬 Please Comment below: How does this episode resonate with you? 📬 Connect With Us: Have a question or a topic you want us to address? Email: AskTheUnfaithful@gmail.com Need help healing? Visit HopeForUs.com Work with James & Sharon: Info@HopeForUs.com Work with Sam: SamsHealingPodcast@gmail.com ------ Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com Contact us: AskTheUnfaithful@gmail.com 🔗 Need help healing? Visit HopeForUs.com (Email: Info@HopeForUs.com ) or email Sam at SamsHealingPodcast@gmail.com 📬 Reach out: asktheunfaithful@gmail.com 🎧 Find us on Apple, Spotify, and everywhere podcasts are found. Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingpodcast Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157 Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery

  7. Apr 24

    IN BETRAYAL RECOVERY, WORDS MATTER - HEALING vs. HARMFUL LANGUAGE

    After betrayal, your words are no longer neutral. In this episode of Ask The Unfaithful, we break down the critical difference between healing language and harmful language and why the way you speak can help your betrayed partner heal… or destroy them again. If you're the unfaithful partner trying to repair after infidelity, this conversation will help you understand: • Why one sentence can reset recovery  • How harmful language minimizes, deflects, and destabilizes  • What healing language actually sounds like in real moments  • The hidden drivers behind your words (shame, defensiveness, childhood patterns, nervous system flooding)  • How your language answers the question your partner is always asking: "Are you safe now?"  Healing language isn't about saying the "right thing"—it's about the language you use that results from becoming someone who can stay present, take ownership, and respond differently under pressure. Because the truth is: 👉 You don't rebuild trust with intentions. 👉 You rebuild trust with patterns. 👉 And your language is one of the clearest patterns your partner sees. This is not surface-level communication advice. This is about identity change, emotional regulation, and relational repair. 🔑 What You'll Learn: • The real impact of harmful language on your betrayed partner  • Why unfaithful partners default to defensiveness and shutdown  • How healing language creates emotional safety and co-regulation  • The difference between self-protection vs partner protection  • Why recovery requires learning an entirely new relational "language"  💬 Core Question from This Episode: "Are you still protecting yourself… or are you finally showing up differently?" 🎧 Listen If You're: • Trying to rebuild trust after infidelity  • Stuck in repeated arguments that go nowhere  • Unsure what to say—or why what you say keeps hurting  • A betrayed partner wanting to understand what real change sounds like  • A therapist or coach working with betrayal recovery  📬 Connect With Us: Have a question or a topic you want us to address? Email: AskTheUnfaithful@gmail.com Need help healing? Visit HopeForUs.com Work with James & Sharon: Info@HopeForUs.com Work with Sam: SamsHealingPodcast@gmail.com 👉 If this episode resonates with you, please like, share, and subscribe for more conversations on betrayal trauma, affair recovery, and building trust again. ------ Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com Contact us: AskTheUnfaithful@gmail.com 🔗 Need help healing? Visit HopeForUs.com (Email: Info@HopeForUs.com ) or email Sam at SamsHealingPodcast@gmail.com 📬 Reach out: asktheunfaithful@gmail.com 🎧 Find us on Apple, Spotify, and everywhere podcasts are found. Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingpodcast Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157 Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery

  8. Apr 8

    3 CORE MISUNDERSTANDINGS THE UNFAITHFUL HAVE THAT BLOCK RELATIONAL RECOVERY

    Why does it feel like no matter what you, the unfaithful, do… your partner still isn't okay? In this episode of Ask The Unfaithful, we break down the 3 core misunderstandings that block recovery after infidelity—and why many unfaithful partners unintentionally slow down healing without realizing it. If you've ever thought: • "I'm doing everything right—why aren't they getting better?"  • "I already explained it—why are we still here?"  • "Why do they keep bringing it up?"  This episode will change how you understand recovery. In this episode, you'll learn: • Why your partner's pain is not a measure of your progress – and why you NEED to attend to it • The difference between insight vs emotional repair  • Why triggers are trauma responses—not punishment  • What's really happening inside the betrayed partner's nervous system  • How unfaithful partners get stuck  • The shift from fixing → emotional safety  • Real-time tools to respond differently in moments that matter most  Key Concepts You'll Hear: 👉 "Your progress doesn't erase trauma." 👉 "Understanding is not the same as repair." 👉 "Triggers aren't punishment—they're trauma echoes." 👉 "You don't need to be perfect—you need to be present." This episode is for: • Unfaithful partners serious about real change  • Betrayed partners trying to understand what's happening  • Therapists and coaches working in betrayal recovery  🔧 Practical Tools Included: ✔ What to say instead of defensiveness ✔ How to respond when your partner is triggered ✔ A 3-part safety response ✔ "Impact statements" that build emotional connection ⚠️ If you're stuck in recovery, this may be why: Many unfaithful partners aren't failing because they aren't trying… You could be stuck in misunderstandings that keep you: • defensive  • overwhelmed  • focused on the wrong things  💬 Comment below: How does this episode resonate with you? 📬 Connect With Us: Have a question or a topic you want us to address? Email: AskTheUnfaithful@gmail.com Need help healing? Visit HopeForUs.com Work with James & Sharon: Info@HopeForUs.com Work with Sam: SamsHealingPodcast@gmail.com 👉 If this episode resonates with you, please like, share, and subscribe for more conversations on betrayal trauma, affair recovery, and building trust again. ------ Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com Contact us: AskTheUnfaithful@gmail.com 🔗 Need help healing? Visit HopeForUs.com (Email: Info@HopeForUs.com ) or email Sam at SamsHealingPodcast@gmail.com 📬 Reach out: asktheunfaithful@gmail.com 🎧 Find us on Apple, Spotify, and everywhere podcasts are found. Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingpodcast Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157 Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery

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Ratings & Reviews

4.9
out of 5
37 Ratings

About

The Ask The Unfaithful Podcast, is a safe place for both Unfaithful and Betrayed Partners to find hope and healing. This podcast draws on both our personal and professional experience to provide expert insight into the mind of the Unfaithful, and how their behaviors traumatically affect the life, heart and even brain plasticity of Betrayed Partners. Ask the Unfaithful is hosted by two Unfaithfuls in long-term recovery, James and Sam: Therapist and coach James Annear who co-owns CORE Relationship Recovery with his wife, Sharon Rinearson. They have been helping couples recover from the traumatic impacts of infidelity, sexually compulsive behaviors and addiction for over a decade. Formerly with Affair Recovery and now host of Sam's Healing Podcast, Sam has been producing videos for almost 10 years and helping to care for those in crisis due to infidelity and addiction for almost 15 years.

Information

  • Creator
    James & Sam
  • Years Active
    2024 - 2026
  • Episodes
    77
  • Rating
    Clean
  • Copyright
    © 2024, 2025
  • Show Website
    Ask the Unfaithful

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