Playing With Fire

Joli Hamilton, PhD and Ken Hamilton
  • 4.9 (84)
  • Relationships
  • Updated Weekly

Welcome to Playing With Fire, the podcast for people who are ready to custom-build their love. We’re talking about non-monogamy–however you design it–as an individuation opportunity. Want to leave the default and make your life spectacularly you? You’re in the right place.

  1. 5d ago

    260 ‘I feel seen… but not by you’ – Metamours, Jealousy, and Differentiation

    Have you ever wondered what your partner looks like through someone else's eyes? It's a question that can bring up a swirl of emotions—curiosity, insecurity, excitement, maybe even panic. But what if that willingness to wonder is actually one of the keys to navigating jealousy and building deeper, more differentiated relationships? This episode dives into the beautiful, messy reality of watching our partners be seen in new ways. We explore how the presence of others (metamours, new partners, even close friends) can expose aspects of our partners we've never encountered, and how that can feel both threatening and liberating. We talk about the ego wobbles, the fear of being left behind, and the grief that comes with accepting that we can never fully know or experience everything about our partners. And we discuss why non-monogamy, for all its challenges, can be powerful medicine for breaking the illusion that we ever could. In this episode, we talk about: — The terror and confusion that can arise when a partner says they feel seen by someone who isn't you — How being seen freshly by someone new can help us discover new facets of ourselves — The fear that a new aspect of your partner won't fit in your relationship, and what to do with that fear — Our own experiences with this phenomenon in the context of kink — Why we can't (and shouldn't try to) replicate every version of our partners in our own relationships with them — The grief and poignancy of accepting that you'll never experience everything with your partner, and why that's actually essential to differentiation — How the illusion of monogamy can keep us from dealing with the reality that our partners are truly other — The tendency to displace discomfort onto metamours instead of sitting with the reality that our partner feels unfamiliar — Why increasing our distress tolerance around our partner's otherness is essential to individuation — How non-monogamy strips away the mirage that we could ever fully know or contain another person — The gift (even when it doesn't feel like one) of being reminded that our partners were never meant to stay inside the bubble of our imagination JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for a Playing With Fire Community Call here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    260 ‘I feel seen… but not by you’ – Metamours, Jealousy, and Differentiation

  2. Oct 3

    259 Getting Unstuck: How a Frozen Imagination Blocks the Relationship You Want

    What if the thing that’s really stopping you from changing your relationships isn’t a lack of motivation or willpower, but a frozen imagination? We all hold internal representations of ourselves, our partners, and our relationships in our minds. This isn’t a bad thing. But when those images remain static, we stop seeing how things actually are and starting interacting with their outdated versions. This prevents us, our partners, and our relationships from accessing aliveness, creative potential, and the opportunity to grow into something new. But we can thaw out these frozen images, and when we do, we open ourselves up to possibilities that we couldn’t have imagined before. In this episode, we talk about: — Why our imaginations of ourselves, our partners, and our relationships gets frozen in the first place — How frozen images can be both protective and limiting at the same time — The difference between intentionally freezing aspects of a relationship temporarily (like during a crisis) versus getting stuck in outdated versions — Why agreements are actually a byproduct of the ongoing work of updating our expectations and images — How emotional heat can help thaw out frozen images — The role of projections in keeping our images of others frozen — Why thawing out doesn't mean the frozen image was "wrong," and what it means instead — How frozen images from childhood and family systems continue to impact our adult relationships — The power of reintroduction rituals and accountability in updating relational images — Why asking "who in me is frozen?" can be more helpful than asking if your whole self-image is frozen — How trauma narratives can become frozen images that need to be inhabited fully before they can be thawed — The ongoing nature of this work and why it's both challenging and delightful Resources mentioned in this episode: — Episode 250 Relationship Re-Imagination: The Framework — Episode 204 Liminality: Your Key to Relationship Paradigm Shifting JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for a Playing With Fire Community Call here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    259 Getting Unstuck: How a Frozen Imagination Blocks the Relationship You Want

  3. Sep 26

    258 Patterns of Harm Need Patterns of Repair: Rethinking Closure

    Ever feel like you're having the same conversation about the same hurt over and over again? Yeah, we’ve been there. And the surprising thing is… that's not necessarily a problem. We just did an episode on conflict and how it can actually deepen intimacy (wild, right?). But during that conversation, something came up that deserves its own deep dive: closure. What even is closure? When does repair actually end? And why do some of us need to revisit the same hurts multiple times while others just want to "move on already"? This is where things get tricky. There's often frustration, blame, even shame around the fact that certain wounds keep resurfacing. One partner might feel superior because they can "just get over things," while the other feels broken for needing more time and repetition. But here's what we've learned through our own relationship and through working with hundreds of people: patterns of harm require patterns of repair. And understanding the difference between a loop and a spiral? That changes everything. In this episode, we talk about: — What repair actually means (spoiler: it's way more than just saying "I'm sorry") — The difference between closure and pretending something never happened — Why closure doesn't mean you forget or stop feeling hurt by what happened — How to tell if you're stuck in a loop versus moving through a spiral of growth — Why defensiveness will slam your spiral right back into a circle every single time — The role of changed behavior, accountability, and taking responsibility in true repair — Why some relationships stay stuck — How forgiveness language can sometimes be used to rush past real repair (and why we're cautious about that word) — The reality that you'll always remember significant harms—and that's actually okay — Why bringing up past hurts isn't manipulation—it's often an invitation to deeper knowing — How resentment forms when we pretend to "just get over" things without actually processing them Resources mentioned in this episode: — Our Repair Skills playlist — The Apology and Accountability Ladder JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for a Playing With Fire Community Call here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    258 Patterns of Harm Need Patterns of Repair: Rethinking Closure

  4. Sep 19

    257 Conflict as Growth: Deepening Intimacy through Disagreement

    When we see conflict as a red flag, we pave the way for dishonest ‘peace,’ people pleasing (where no one is actually pleased at all), and emotional walls that try to protect us but end up leaving us isolated and disconnected. The truth is that conflict is not inherently a sign that something is going wrong in the relationship. In fact, generative conflict is the pathway to deeper connection and growth. This conversation gets real about the extremes of dysfunctional conflict (cheap peace and violent disagreement), what generative conflict actually looks like, and how it can bring people together instead of pulling them apart. In this episode, we talk about: — Why conflict isn't a sign that something's wrong with your relationship (and what it actually signals instead) — The spectrum of conflict: from dishonest harmony to violent disharmony, and how to find the generative middle ground — Ken's transformation from conflict-avoidant to someone who can sit in the discomfort with curiosity and patience — How gender dynamics and emotional labor show up in who does the work of naming and navigating conflict — The power of asking "what else is it?" instead of dismissing someone's feelings or getting defensive — Why making space for your partner's inner child (and historical wounds) can be relationship-changing — The difference between taking something personally and taking it on—and how ego strength plays a role — Practical skills that have reduced our conflict duration by 90% (seriously) — Why repair can and should start during the conflict, not just after — How conflict skills become even more essential when you're opening your relationship — The importance of curiosity, vulnerability, and dropping defensiveness when things get heated — Why hypervigilance from childhood can make us defend against there being "more" to a conflict Resources mentioned in this episode: — Our Repair Skills Playlist — Our Imago Dialogue Playlist JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for a Playing With Fire Community Call here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    257 Conflict as Growth: Deepening Intimacy through Disagreement

  5. Sep 12

    256 Leaving High-Demand Religion and Exploring Non-Monogamy with Natasha Helfer

    Leaving high-demand religion isn't just about changing your Sunday morning schedule. It’s about deconstructing a belief system that touches everything in your life. And when you start pulling on this thread, you might find yourself questioning monogamous norms too. These processes can open you up to a wealth of opportunities, but they can also bring a whole lot of uncertainty online. That’s why we're thrilled to bring you this conversation with Natasha Helfer, an AASECT-certified sex therapist supervisor and licensed marriage and family therapist with 30 years of experience working at the intersection of conservative religious upbringing, sexuality, and internalized sexual shame. Natasha was excommunicated from the Mormon church for her advocacy work, so alongside her professional expertise, she brings a wealth of lived experience to this topic. If you've ever struggled with the aftermath of purity culture, if you're deconstructing from high-demand religion while exploring non-monogamy, or if you're supporting someone through this journey, this episode offers validation, insight, and practical frameworks for understanding what's really happening during deconstruction and reconstruction. In this episode, we talk about: — What makes a religion "high-demand" and why sexual behavior monitoring is such a central feature — The difference between being pushed out (excommunication) versus choosing to leave, and why both can be traumatic — Why deconstruction is not a linear process with a clear endpoint — How compulsory monogamy in mainstream culture mirrors compulsory polygamy in fundamentalist communities (and why that realization is so important) — The challenge of doing adolescent developmental work in midlife while simultaneously navigating midlife transitions — Why people deconstructing from one thing (like religion) often start questioning everything else (like monogamy), and why that's actually a natural part of the process — The grief of leaving certainty behind, both religious certainty and the certainty of traditional relationship structures — Practical therapeutic approaches — Why reconstruction work is just as important as deconstruction, and how to build a new identity and value system — The reality that old messaging and shame will resurface periodically—and why accepting that actually helps you move forward — How privilege (race, gender, sexual orientation) dramatically impacts the severity of religious trauma Resources mentioned in this episode: — Find Natasha at natashahelfer.com — Natasha’s group practice, Symmetry Counseling — Natasha's seven-week educational group for people exploring ethical non-monogamy JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for a Playing With Fire Community Call here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    256 Leaving High-Demand Religion and Exploring Non-Monogamy with Natasha Helfer

  6. Sep 5

    255 When should we start making agreements in NEW relationships?

    Here’s a question we get a lot – at what point in a new relationship should you start making agreements? The answer might surprise you: you already are. From the moment you decide where to meet for a first date, you're making agreements. But most of us are worried about being ‘too much’ or making a fuss, so we walk around with unspoken expectations, trying to be ‘cool’ and ‘chill,’ hoping everything will just magically work out. Agreements might seem like a vibe-killer, but in reality, the fear of seeming too rigid or demanding can set you up for heartbreak, confusion, and a whole lot of unnecessary pain. The truth is, agreements aren't about constraining your relationships or killing spontaneity. They're about making your expectations visible so you can actually relate to each other instead of just hoping you're on the same page. This is especially relevant when we shift from monogamy to non-monogamy, because our entire framework for safety, trust, and connection changes, and clear agreements become essential. In this episode, we talk about: — Why you're already making agreements whether you realize it or not (and why pretending you're not is causing problems) — The difference between implicit expectations and explicit agreements, and why making them visible changes everything — The problems that come along with the fear of "not being cool" or "asking for too much" — Why every agreement you make is actually with yourself, not your partner (this is a game-changer) — The power of starting small — How to handle asymmetries in relationships without pretending everything is "fair" or "equal" — Why agreements need revisit dates built in, and how to avoid only renegotiating when someone's already hurt — The liberation that comes from knowing where you stand, even when the agreement isn't what you'd prefer — How to make "minimum viable agreements" and first-draft agreements that you can adjust as you learn what you actually want — Why defining your terms matters more than you think — The difference between spontaneity and intentionality, and why you can have both — How clear agreements actually reduce anxiety and transform your nervous system — Why people avoid making agreements early (hint: they don't want to discover incompatibilities) — The importance of acknowledging what you want and need, even before you're totally sure what that is Resources mentioned in this episode: — Our episode on weasel words and how they undermine agreements — Our episode on relationship agreements 101 JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for a Playing With Fire Community Call here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    255 When should we start making agreements in NEW relationships?

  7. Aug 29

    254 How to Figure Out What You Want and Need: An Insider’s Experience of YOO

    Figuring out what your wants and needs might sound simple, but it’s often… really not. To help you navigate this question, we’re bringing you a super special episode in a never-before-seen (and possibly never to be seen again!) format. This episode is excerpted from a community call inside The Year Of Opening®, our private community for people who are on the path of individuation and de-centering monogamy. Wants and needs was a highly requested topic, and the resulting call was truly special. Everyone you’ll hear in this call consented to having the audio shared as a PWF episode, and we are thrilled to invite you into this inside peek! In this episode, we talk about: — Why many of us struggle to name our wants, and how our histories shape our relationship with desire — The difference between needs and wants, and why that distinction matters in non-monogamy — How the mono-mind limits our imagination of what's possible — The protective mechanisms we use to avoid wanting — Why some people enjoy longing and yearning while others find it unbearable — The concept of limerence and how fantasy can both serve and limit us — Using envy as a tool for desire excavation (and when envy becomes destructive) — How to create containers for exploratory conversations about desires — Why trusting your partner's "no" is essential for feeling safe to express your "yes" — The difference between wants you've been sold and wants that authentically arise from within — Practical strategies for desire excavation — How to write solo MVAs (Minimum Viable Agreements) with yourself about your boundaries and capacities JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for a Playing With Fire Community Call here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    254 How to Figure Out What You Want and Need: An Insider’s Experience of YOO

  8. Aug 15

    253 The Shadow of Compersion

    Compersion – feeling joy for another person’s joy – is a beautiful thing, especially when it comes to non-monogamy. But, like anything that’s bright and shiny, there’s a shadow side to compersion, and we’ve seen it become a stumbling block in non-monogamous relationships time and time again. When we elevate compersion as a virtue in polyamory, we accidentally create some real problems. Surprisingly, the shadow of compersion isn't about jealousy at all—it's about the pressure, the performance, and the unintended consequences of treating compersion like a moral requirement. If compersion is virtuous, does that mean the absence of compersion is a moral failing? Most of us would say no, but conversations within our communities often tell a different story; people who experience compersion are elevated, celebrated, and held up as examples of "doing non-monogamy right," while those who don't feel compersion end up feeling like they're failing at non-monogamy. In this episode, we talk about: — Why compersion and jealousy are not mutually exclusive (you can feel both at the same time!) — The dangerous elevation of compersion as a virtue and what that does to people who don't experience it easily — How the pressure to feel compersion can lead to performative emotions and enmeshment — The difference between big, electric compersion and the subtle, quiet bubbles of compersion that are easy to miss — Why your partner doesn't owe you compersion, and why demanding it creates unhealthy dynamics — The importance of neutrality and consent as valid emotional states (not everything has to feel good to be okay) — How focusing too much on compersion can cause us to neglect other important emotions like grief, envy, and jealousy — The archetypal nature of emotions and why we need to tend to all of them, not just the "positive" ones — Why jealousy isn't something we can or should transmute into compersion — Practical ways to interrupt harmful cultural conversations that demonize jealousy or pressure people to feel compersion — How to cultivate the attitude of compersion without requiring yourself to feel the emotion Resources mentioned in this episode: — Episode 157 What is Compersion? with Dr. Marie Thouin JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for Playing With Fire Community Call here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    253 The Shadow of Compersion
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out of 5
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About

Welcome to Playing With Fire, the podcast for people who are ready to custom-build their love. We’re talking about non-monogamy–however you design it–as an individuation opportunity. Want to leave the default and make your life spectacularly you? You’re in the right place.

Information

  • Creator
    Joli Hamilton, PhD and Ken Hamilton
  • Years Active
    2020 - 2026
  • Episodes
    265
  • Rating
    Explicit
  • Copyright
    © Joli Hamilton, PhD and Ken Hamilton
  • Show Website
    Playing With Fire

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