Playing With Fire

Joli Hamilton
  • 4.9 (77)
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Welcome to Playing With Fire, the podcast for people who are ready to custom-build their love. We’re talking about non-monogamy–however you design it–as an individuation opportunity. Want to leave the default and make your life spectacularly you? You’re in the right place.

  1. [Replay] 164 I HATE THIS: Get Unstuck with Existential Kink (A shadow work method)

    5D AGO

    [Replay] 164 I HATE THIS: Get Unstuck with Existential Kink (A shadow work method)

    A lot of personal growth work is about recognizing and focusing on taking responsibility and changing what we can change in our lives. But sometimes you’re stuck. Stuck and bewildered by how this shit keeps happening. Those same old cyclical situations… a heated argument with a romantic partner, a recurring issue at work, a really challenging family dynamic… where we feel like we have no control. All those tools and practices go out the window and it feels like the situation is just happening at us. These challenges are the perfect place to start practicing shadow work—the process of becoming aware of what you’ve suppressed, hated, and denied about yourself. Sound a little scary? Don’t worry, shadow work does not mean embracing and enacting all the mean parts of yourself. In other words, doing this work doesn’t mean becoming an a*****e. There are many ways to do shadow work, but today we’re focusing on a method created by Carolyn Lovewell called Existential Kink. Existential Kink involves loving, accepting, and owning the ‘guilty pleasure’ we get from the shadowy aspects of our subconscious, and we’re walking you through the whole process. In this episode, we’re breaking down: — What the shadow is — What it means to do shadow work — How Jungian and depth psychology define and approach the shadow — Examples of how and why people repress and deny aspects of themselves — Why unexamined shadow aspects of ourselves often lead to projections — How embracing and recollecting repressed aspects of ourselves can be powerfully transformative for your personal growth and relationships — Why shadow work does not mean embracing and enacting evil/mean aspects of ourselves (AKA becoming an a*****e) — The theory behind and process of Existential Kink — The importance of community and support while doing depth psychological work Resources mentioned in this episode: — My Individuation Alchemy program — Carolyn Lovewell’s book, work, and programs — Lindsay Braman’s Emotion Sensation Feelings Wheel JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    45 min
  2. 239 Radical Relating with Mel Cassidy

    JAN 17

    239 Radical Relating with Mel Cassidy

    Radical relating isn't just about who you're dating—it's about dismantling systems of power and creating community. In this episode, we welcome Mel Cassidy, somatic relationship coach and author of "Radical Relating: A Queer and Polyamory-Informed Guide to Love Beyond the Myth of Monogamy." Mel shares their journey from blogger to coach to author, and how their work challenges the foundations of mono-normativity. We explore how white supremacy culture, colonization, and Christianity have shaped our understanding of relationships, and how we can break free from these restrictive patterns to create more authentic connections. This conversation goes far beyond the typical focus on sex in non-monogamy discussions. Instead, we dive into how resource sharing, conflict resolution, and community building can help us create more liberatory forms of love—whether we're in monogamous relationships, polyamorous networks, or anywhere in between. In this episode, we talk about: — How white supremacy culture, colonization, and Christianity have shaped monogamy as the default relationship structure — The concept of "anarcule" as a way to understand relationships beyond sexual connections — Why perfectionism in relationships is a harmful aspect of mono-normativity that prevents authentic communication — How the nuclear family was designed as a political tool to counter feminism and socialism — Ways to practice resource sharing even if you're not interested in having multiple romantic partners — The importance of decentering sex in our understanding of relationships and asking "what does sex mean to you?" — Why Google calendars might actually hide conflict rather than resolve scheduling issues — Practical approaches to conflict resolution, starting with low-stakes issues to build capacity — How our nervous systems "time travel" during conflict, bringing up old wounds and patterns — The value of understanding who you become during conflict and how to work with different conflict styles Resources mentioned in this episode: — Mel Cassidy's new book: Radical Relating: A Queer and Polyamory-Informed Guide to Love Beyond the Myth of Monogamy JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    55 min
  3. 238 Thriving in Long-Distance Relationships

    JAN 10

    238 Thriving in Long-Distance Relationships

    Long-distance relationships can feel like a never-ending uphill climb. When there are miles between you and your partner, it's easy to fall into patterns that make connecting feel more like a chore than a choice. Whether you're separated by a two-hour drive or multiple time zones, the question eventually surfaces: "How do we keep going without it feeling like endless work?" We understand this struggle deeply. The fatigue that comes with maintaining connection across distance is real and valid. But what if the solution isn't about working harder, but about reimagining what your relationship is actually for? What if the distance itself offers unique opportunities that proximity never could? In this episode, we talk about: — The importance of clarifying the purpose of your relationship and how this purpose might shift over time — Why mono-normative expectations can create unnecessary pressure in long-distance relationships — How to design relationship rituals that create meaning without becoming another obligation — The value of regularly revisiting and refreshing your relationship agreements — Understanding the unique grief that comes with long-distance relating and how to honor it — Finding the "golden shadows" of distance—the unexpected benefits that proximity doesn't offer — Why endurance alone isn't enough to sustain connection, and how meaning-making transforms the experience — The danger of idealizing proximity and forgetting the challenges that come with day-to-day relating — Creating structure that allows for both stability and novelty in your connection — Practical ways to inject fresh energy and imagination into long-distance relationships Resources mentioned in this episode: — Francis Weller's work on grief JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    32 min
  4. 237 The Art & Practice of Shedding Mono-Normativity

    JAN 3

    237 The Art & Practice of Shedding Mono-Normativity

    We live in a culture where monogamy isn't just presented as one way to have relationships—it's positioned as the only natural, healthy, and moral way to relate. This assumption runs so deep that most of us never even question it. But what happens when we start examining these unspoken rules that shape our relationships? Mono-normativity affects all of us, whether we're monogamous or not. Bringing these unconscious assumptions into the light can create more authentic, intentional relationships. Because here's the truth: you can't truly consent to something you don't know you're choosing. In this episode, we talk about: — The difference between monogamy and mono-normativity — Why most couples never explicitly define what monogamy means to them—and the problems this creates — How to "individuate" your monogamous relationship by making conscious choices rather than following default scripts — The way exclusivity gets overcoupled with safety, specialness, and relationship validity — Practical ways to decenter monogamy without devaluing it — How auditing your language can help create more inclusive spaces for all relationship styles — Why making monogamy a conscious choice can actually strengthen your relationship — The importance of distinguishing between attraction, fantasy, and action in any relationship — How creative practices like making playlists, writing, and storytelling can help us imagine relating beyond mono-normative frameworks — The value of creating your own "monogamy statement" with your partner as a connective, clarifying exercise — Why questioning mono-normativity doesn't mean you have to change your relationship structure—it just means you get to choose it consciously Resources mentioned in this episode: — Alex Alberto's memoir Entwined and their short film JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    46 min
  5. 236 Co-Creating Magnificent Sex

    12/27/2025

    236 Co-Creating Magnificent Sex

    What happens when two relationship experts who teach others about intimacy find themselves in an 18-month sexual drought? We recently emerged from what we affectionately call "the swamp"—a period where our once-vibrant sexual connection became strained, disconnected, and frankly disappointing. Despite having all the professional knowledge about creating great sex, we found ourselves stuck in patterns that weren't working, and the solutions weren't immediately obvious. It was a profound opportunity for growth and understanding–the experience taught us that magnificent sex isn't something you figure out once and then have forever. It requires ongoing attention, vulnerability, and a willingness to return to basics when things get off track. In this episode, we talk about: — What "magnificent sex" actually means (hint: it's about soul-shaking connection, not just technique) — The four key elements that create truly magnificent sexual experiences — How even sex educators can lose track of their own erotic needs and desires — Why our sexual "swamp" developed and the surprisingly simple interventions that helped us find our way out — The power of written requests on index cards for neurodivergent communication patterns — The importance of reconnecting with your own core erotic themes rather than just focusing on your partner's — How to create containers of safety that allow for vulnerability and presence — Why aftercare matters and how to customize it for each partner's specific needs — The value of accommodating different communication and memory styles in sexual contexts — Practical ways to rebuild connection Resources mentioned in this episode: — Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers by Peggy Kleinplatz and Dana Ménard — The Erotic Mind by Jack Morin — Transcendent Sex by Jenny Wade — The Wheel of Consent by Betty Martin — Joli's Sexual Shadow Masterclass — Our episode on Nurturing Established Relationship Energy JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    58 min
  6. 235 I Think I'm Polyamorous, But I'm in a Monogamous Marriage

    12/20/2025

    235 I Think I'm Polyamorous, But I'm in a Monogamous Marriage

    Discovering your polyamorous identity while in a long-term monogamous relationship can feel both liberating and terrifying. It's a moment of personal truth that can shake the foundations of your partnership—and that's exactly why it deserves careful, thoughtful consideration. When you realize something fundamental about yourself has shifted (or perhaps was always there but unnamed), it's natural to want to share this with your partner. But how do you navigate this conversation without causing unnecessary harm or rushing into territory neither of you is prepared for? In this episode, we talk about: — Why rushing into action after this realization can lead to unnecessary pain and relationship damage — The importance of understanding what your current monogamy actually looks like before trying to change it — How to create space for both excitement about new possibilities and grief about what might be changing — The value of slowing down and sitting in the "liminal space" between paradigms — Why the person bringing polyamory into the relationship needs to be mindful of their partner's need for processing time — The difference between polyamorous identity and polyamorous behavior (you can be polyamorous without having multiple partners!) — How to approach the conversation with care, acknowledging that it may feel like betrayal to your partner — The importance of making explicit what has been implicit in your relationship — Why both partners need support during this transition, regardless of who initiated the conversation Resources mentioned in this episode: — Our guide for having difficult conversations with your partner — Our episode on grief and relationship changes — Entwined by Alex Alberto JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    41 min
  7. 234 How to Figure Out What You Want (And Why It’s So Damn Hard)

    12/13/2025

    234 How to Figure Out What You Want (And Why It’s So Damn Hard)

    There’s one really important prerequisite for a whole lot of juicy relational goodness… but it sounds deceptively simple… figuring out what you want. Whether it's day-to-day preferences or deeper desires, knowing what we truly want helps us make authentic agreements with ourselves and others. So why is this process so difficult for many of us? In this episode, we’re exploring the psychology behind identifying our true desires, the obstacles that get in our way, and practical strategies for uncovering what we genuinely want. We share personal experiences and tips that can help you reconnect with your desires and use them to create a more fulfilling life. Here’s what we’re covering: — How disappointment can serve as a powerful compass pointing toward what we truly want — The crucial difference between what we genuinely want and what we think we should want — Why some of us struggle to identify our desires due to childhood experiences, birth order, or cultural conditioning — How to distinguish between assumptions about what will happen versus actual desires — The power of using envy and "justice jealousy" as indicators of our deeper wants — Practical techniques for accessing your imagination when you feel stuck or disconnected from your desires — Why constraints can sometimes help us identify what we want more clearly than complete freedom — How different personality types approach the process of wanting differently — The concept that "desire desires desire" and how the gap between wanting and having creates energy — Strategies for working with the tendency to lose interest once we obtain what we thought we wanted Resources mentioned in this episode: — Jessica Fern's book Polysecure — Our episode on Justice Jealousy — Unruly: Our agreements lab for unconventional relationships JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    40 min
  8. 233 The Case for ‘Boring’ Polyamory

    12/06/2025

    233 The Case for ‘Boring’ Polyamory

    When we're in the thick of navigating non-monogamy, especially in the early stages, it can feel like an endless emotional workout. The jealousy, the NRE highs and lows, the constant communication—it's a lot! Many people wonder if it will ever get easier or if this constant state of emotional processing is just what non-monogamy is all about. The good news? It absolutely can become more easeful! In this episode, we explore what "boring polyamory" might look like and why it might actually be a good fit for you. We challenge the assumption that non-monogamy must be inherently harder than monogamy and offer practical insights for creating more sustainable, grounded relationships. We’re breaking down: — The difference between "easy" and "easeful" in relationships — How we often mistake intensity for intimacy, and why that keeps us locked in drama cycles — The ways we unconsciously validate our non-monogamy by staying in turbulence and conflict — Why the premise that "monogamy is easier" is a harmful myth that keeps us stuck — How our nervous system awareness directly impacts our capacity for easeful relationships — The drama triangle and how it keeps us locked in unhealthy patterns — The importance of making implicit expectations explicit through clear agreements — Creating micro-spaces for reconnection and communication in your relationships — Why familiar patterns will win out over healthy ones (and what to do about it) — How to identify what a week of calm, fulfilling polyamory would look like for you Resources mentioned in this episode: — Our Drama Triangle episode JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    33 min
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4.9
out of 5
77 Ratings

About

Welcome to Playing With Fire, the podcast for people who are ready to custom-build their love. We’re talking about non-monogamy–however you design it–as an individuation opportunity. Want to leave the default and make your life spectacularly you? You’re in the right place.

Information

  • Creator
    Joli Hamilton
  • Years Active
    2020 - 2026
  • Episodes
    239
  • Rating
    Explicit
  • Copyright
    © Joli Hamilton
  • Show Website
    Playing With Fire

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