Playing With Fire

Joli Hamilton
  • 4.9 (78)
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Welcome to Playing With Fire, the podcast for people who are ready to custom-build their love. We’re talking about non-monogamy–however you design it–as an individuation opportunity. Want to leave the default and make your life spectacularly you? You’re in the right place.

  1. [Replay] 229 Shadow Work in Relationships: What We Keep From Ourselves

    3D AGO

    [Replay] 229 Shadow Work in Relationships: What We Keep From Ourselves

    Secrets, privacy, and the journey to authentic relationships can be a complex terrain to navigate. When one partner keeps secrets—whether consciously or unconsciously—it creates ripples that affect trust, consent, and the very foundation of connection. But what happens when those secrets aren't just kept from partners, but from oneself? This episode dives deep into the challenging work of moving from fragmented realities to integrated selfhood. Many of us have experienced moments where something feels "off" in a relationship, but we can't quite put our finger on it. When inconsistencies emerge between what's said and what's done, trust begins to erode. But the path back to trust isn't impossible—it just requires dedicated, consistent work and a willingness to face uncomfortable truths about ourselves. In this episode, we talk about: — The critical difference between secrecy and privacy in relationships — How keeping secrets from ourselves can be just as harmful as keeping them from partners — The concept of "bifurcated monogamy" and how people can create separate, incompatible realities — Why writing things down can be a powerful tool for those who unconsciously fragment their experiences — How trauma responses can lead to secret-keeping behaviors without conscious awareness — The relationship between autonomy and responsibility — Why consent requires transparency and ongoing information-sharing, especially in interdependent relationships — The importance of meta-conversations about how we communicate across partnerships — How power differentials can impact one's ability to truly consent in relationships — The long, non-linear journey of rebuilding trust after patterns of secrecy — Why dismantling defensiveness is a crucial step in addressing patterns of secrecy — How integration and differentiation work together to create authentic selfhood Resources mentioned in this episode: — Our episode on dismantling defensiveness — Our episode on weasel words JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    39 min
  2. [Replay] 177 Shadow Dance: Navigating Projections in Relationships

    FEB 7

    [Replay] 177 Shadow Dance: Navigating Projections in Relationships

    The word projection gets thrown around a lot these days, often in an accusatory way (think, “so-and-so is projecting!”). But projection is actually a normal, unconscious psychological process that shows up in all relationships! That doesn’t mean we should let our projections go unchecked. They can interfere with our ability to truly see our partners as whole, autonomous beings. The good news is that when we become aware of our projections, we have a powerful opportunity to uncover and reclaim the parts of ourselves we’ve denied and disowned. And these aren’t always deep, dark shadowy parts—they can also be positive traits like creativity or intelligence. In this episode, we explore what projection is, how it shows up in relationships, and why reclaiming these “shadow” parts is essential for personal growth. Tune in to learn how working through projections can deepen your connections and help you see yourself—and your partners—in a whole new light. We’re breaking down: — What psychological projection is and how it operates in our subconscious minds — The role of projection in falling in love, limerence, and new relationship energy — How projection can interfere with seeing our partners as sacred, autonomous beings — The stages of becoming aware of and working through projections — Why reclaiming projected qualities is essential for personal growth — How projection relates to childhood wounds and unresolved issues from the past — The dangers of over-identifying with negative projections or shadow qualities — Practical strategies for recognizing and working with projections in relationships — The value of patience and compassion when addressing projections with a partner Resources mentioned in this episode: — Carl Jung's Collected Works (This is the Wikipedia page, to give you an idea of what the CW contains. If you’re looking for a good place to begin reading Jung’s work, Joli suggests Memories, Dreams, Reflections) — Episode 164: I HATE THIS: Get Unstuck with Existential Kink (A shadow work method) JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    49 min
  3. [Replay] 105 Shadow Work: What if your monsters were trying to help you live the life you always wanted?

    JAN 31

    [Replay] 105 Shadow Work: What if your monsters were trying to help you live the life you always wanted?

    Do your monsters sometimes stage a take-over, hurting you and others? If your monsters could help you live more of the life you want to live, would you get to know them, and invite them in? What about sharing them with a trusted partner in a thoughtful, conscious process? Ken did, and it made him cry, right here in the podcast - tears of relief for the possibility of realizing potential. We're talking about letting in our darker parts, and how much our lives can expand when we do. In this episode, we talk about: — What shadow work actually is and why Carl Jung's metaphor is so powerful yet simple — How our "monsters" operate autonomously when we don't acknowledge them — The relief that comes from finally recognizing and taking responsibility for our shadow aspects — Why personifying our shadow material can make it easier to work with — How kink and shadow work can intertwine as psychological practices — The difference between engaging with the "regalia" of kink versus the psychological depth — Why creating psychological safety is essential before doing shadow work with a partner — How projection reveals our shadow material in relationships — The importance of accepting enjoyment of shadow aspects without endorsing harmful behaviors — Why shadow work is a lifelong spiral rather than a circle we keep traveling — Ways to engage with your shadow independently if your partner isn't interested in this work Resources mentioned in this episode: — Joli's ⁠Sexual Shadow Masterclass⁠ — ⁠The Avett Brothers - The Perfect Space⁠ — Suzanne Vega - Don't Uncork What You Can't Contain JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    45 min
  4. [Replay] 164 I HATE THIS: Get Unstuck with Existential Kink (A shadow work method)

    JAN 24

    [Replay] 164 I HATE THIS: Get Unstuck with Existential Kink (A shadow work method)

    A lot of personal growth work is about recognizing and focusing on taking responsibility and changing what we can change in our lives. But sometimes you’re stuck. Stuck and bewildered by how this shit keeps happening. Those same old cyclical situations… a heated argument with a romantic partner, a recurring issue at work, a really challenging family dynamic… where we feel like we have no control. All those tools and practices go out the window and it feels like the situation is just happening at us. These challenges are the perfect place to start practicing shadow work—the process of becoming aware of what you’ve suppressed, hated, and denied about yourself. Sound a little scary? Don’t worry, shadow work does not mean embracing and enacting all the mean parts of yourself. In other words, doing this work doesn’t mean becoming an a*****e. There are many ways to do shadow work, but today we’re focusing on a method created by Carolyn Lovewell called Existential Kink. Existential Kink involves loving, accepting, and owning the ‘guilty pleasure’ we get from the shadowy aspects of our subconscious, and we’re walking you through the whole process. In this episode, we’re breaking down: — What the shadow is — What it means to do shadow work — How Jungian and depth psychology define and approach the shadow — Examples of how and why people repress and deny aspects of themselves — Why unexamined shadow aspects of ourselves often lead to projections — How embracing and recollecting repressed aspects of ourselves can be powerfully transformative for your personal growth and relationships — Why shadow work does not mean embracing and enacting evil/mean aspects of ourselves (AKA becoming an a*****e) — The theory behind and process of Existential Kink — The importance of community and support while doing depth psychological work Resources mentioned in this episode: — My Individuation Alchemy program — Carolyn Lovewell’s book, work, and programs — Lindsay Braman’s Emotion Sensation Feelings Wheel JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    55 min
  5. 239 Radical Relating with Mel Cassidy

    JAN 17

    239 Radical Relating with Mel Cassidy

    Radical relating isn't just about who you're dating—it's about dismantling systems of power and creating community. In this episode, we welcome Mel Cassidy, somatic relationship coach and author of "Radical Relating: A Queer and Polyamory-Informed Guide to Love Beyond the Myth of Monogamy." Mel shares their journey from blogger to coach to author, and how their work challenges the foundations of mono-normativity. We explore how white supremacy culture, colonization, and Christianity have shaped our understanding of relationships, and how we can break free from these restrictive patterns to create more authentic connections. This conversation goes far beyond the typical focus on sex in non-monogamy discussions. Instead, we dive into how resource sharing, conflict resolution, and community building can help us create more liberatory forms of love—whether we're in monogamous relationships, polyamorous networks, or anywhere in between. In this episode, we talk about: — How white supremacy culture, colonization, and Christianity have shaped monogamy as the default relationship structure — The concept of "anarcule" as a way to understand relationships beyond sexual connections — Why perfectionism in relationships is a harmful aspect of mono-normativity that prevents authentic communication — How the nuclear family was designed as a political tool to counter feminism and socialism — Ways to practice resource sharing even if you're not interested in having multiple romantic partners — The importance of decentering sex in our understanding of relationships and asking "what does sex mean to you?" — Why Google calendars might actually hide conflict rather than resolve scheduling issues — Practical approaches to conflict resolution, starting with low-stakes issues to build capacity — How our nervous systems "time travel" during conflict, bringing up old wounds and patterns — The value of understanding who you become during conflict and how to work with different conflict styles Resources mentioned in this episode: — Mel Cassidy's new book: Radical Relating: A Queer and Polyamory-Informed Guide to Love Beyond the Myth of Monogamy JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    55 min
  6. 238 Thriving in Long-Distance Relationships

    JAN 10

    238 Thriving in Long-Distance Relationships

    Long-distance relationships can feel like a never-ending uphill climb. When there are miles between you and your partner, it's easy to fall into patterns that make connecting feel more like a chore than a choice. Whether you're separated by a two-hour drive or multiple time zones, the question eventually surfaces: "How do we keep going without it feeling like endless work?" We understand this struggle deeply. The fatigue that comes with maintaining connection across distance is real and valid. But what if the solution isn't about working harder, but about reimagining what your relationship is actually for? What if the distance itself offers unique opportunities that proximity never could? In this episode, we talk about: — The importance of clarifying the purpose of your relationship and how this purpose might shift over time — Why mono-normative expectations can create unnecessary pressure in long-distance relationships — How to design relationship rituals that create meaning without becoming another obligation — The value of regularly revisiting and refreshing your relationship agreements — Understanding the unique grief that comes with long-distance relating and how to honor it — Finding the "golden shadows" of distance—the unexpected benefits that proximity doesn't offer — Why endurance alone isn't enough to sustain connection, and how meaning-making transforms the experience — The danger of idealizing proximity and forgetting the challenges that come with day-to-day relating — Creating structure that allows for both stability and novelty in your connection — Practical ways to inject fresh energy and imagination into long-distance relationships Resources mentioned in this episode: — Francis Weller's work on grief JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    32 min
  7. 237 The Art & Practice of Shedding Mono-Normativity

    JAN 3

    237 The Art & Practice of Shedding Mono-Normativity

    We live in a culture where monogamy isn't just presented as one way to have relationships—it's positioned as the only natural, healthy, and moral way to relate. This assumption runs so deep that most of us never even question it. But what happens when we start examining these unspoken rules that shape our relationships? Mono-normativity affects all of us, whether we're monogamous or not. Bringing these unconscious assumptions into the light can create more authentic, intentional relationships. Because here's the truth: you can't truly consent to something you don't know you're choosing. In this episode, we talk about: — The difference between monogamy and mono-normativity — Why most couples never explicitly define what monogamy means to them—and the problems this creates — How to "individuate" your monogamous relationship by making conscious choices rather than following default scripts — The way exclusivity gets overcoupled with safety, specialness, and relationship validity — Practical ways to decenter monogamy without devaluing it — How auditing your language can help create more inclusive spaces for all relationship styles — Why making monogamy a conscious choice can actually strengthen your relationship — The importance of distinguishing between attraction, fantasy, and action in any relationship — How creative practices like making playlists, writing, and storytelling can help us imagine relating beyond mono-normative frameworks — The value of creating your own "monogamy statement" with your partner as a connective, clarifying exercise — Why questioning mono-normativity doesn't mean you have to change your relationship structure—it just means you get to choose it consciously Resources mentioned in this episode: — Alex Alberto's memoir Entwined and their short film JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    46 min
  8. 236 Co-Creating Magnificent Sex

    12/27/2025

    236 Co-Creating Magnificent Sex

    What happens when two relationship experts who teach others about intimacy find themselves in an 18-month sexual drought? We recently emerged from what we affectionately call "the swamp"—a period where our once-vibrant sexual connection became strained, disconnected, and frankly disappointing. Despite having all the professional knowledge about creating great sex, we found ourselves stuck in patterns that weren't working, and the solutions weren't immediately obvious. It was a profound opportunity for growth and understanding–the experience taught us that magnificent sex isn't something you figure out once and then have forever. It requires ongoing attention, vulnerability, and a willingness to return to basics when things get off track. In this episode, we talk about: — What "magnificent sex" actually means (hint: it's about soul-shaking connection, not just technique) — The four key elements that create truly magnificent sexual experiences — How even sex educators can lose track of their own erotic needs and desires — Why our sexual "swamp" developed and the surprisingly simple interventions that helped us find our way out — The power of written requests on index cards for neurodivergent communication patterns — The importance of reconnecting with your own core erotic themes rather than just focusing on your partner's — How to create containers of safety that allow for vulnerability and presence — Why aftercare matters and how to customize it for each partner's specific needs — The value of accommodating different communication and memory styles in sexual contexts — Practical ways to rebuild connection Resources mentioned in this episode: — Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers by Peggy Kleinplatz and Dana Ménard — The Erotic Mind by Jack Morin — Transcendent Sex by Jenny Wade — The Wheel of Consent by Betty Martin — Joli's Sexual Shadow Masterclass — Our episode on Nurturing Established Relationship Energy JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    58 min
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4.9
out of 5
78 Ratings

About

Welcome to Playing With Fire, the podcast for people who are ready to custom-build their love. We’re talking about non-monogamy–however you design it–as an individuation opportunity. Want to leave the default and make your life spectacularly you? You’re in the right place.

Information

  • Creator
    Joli Hamilton
  • Years Active
    2020 - 2026
  • Episodes
    242
  • Rating
    Explicit
  • Copyright
    © Joli Hamilton
  • Show Website
    Playing With Fire

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