Sex Help for Smart People Laura Jurgens, Ph.D.

This is a special one. It's both vulnerable and also really satisfying. I’m sharing my story of the 8 key processes that helped me heal from dissociation and PTSD that I accrued from various traumas, including sexual assault, child abuse, homelessness, bullying and harassment.

It's never the same path for everyone, but I hope that this episode will inspire you to try out some of these approaches or understand better how to support loved ones. If you are feeling stuck, have genital numbness, feel disconnected from your body and/or your sexuality, are dissociated, depressed/anxious, or lost in people-pleasing (fawning) in your life, sexuality, and relationships -- this is for you. 

I'm sharing the 8 critical steps that helped me heal PTSD and shift into post-traumatic growth, embodiment, and joyful freedom. 

Resources Mentioned:

Vagus Nerve exercises: Get on the newsletter here for the vagus nerve exercise video along with other free resources like the Wheel of Erotic Emotions: https://laurajurgens.myflodesk.com/wheel
The Feelings Wheel
Tara Brach's compassion meditation
Books:
No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz
The Body Keeps the Score by  Bessel van der Kolk (video synapsis here)
Waking the Tiger, Healing Trauma, and In an Unspoken Voice by Peter Levine
Accessing the Healing Power of the Vagus Nerve by Stanley Rosenberg
Videos:
Peter Levine on Trauma and Somatic Experiencing

Trauma Release Method/ Trauma Release Exercises 


For more free resources, to get on my email list for access to events and encouragement from me, or to see if I'm taking new clients and book a consultation, go to https://laurajurgens.com

Learn the 8 core principles of consent, why consent competence makes us all sexier and more respectful lovers and human beings, how to share and model consent principles with kids, and some advanced issues around consent for those interested in kink and/or BDSM. 

Here is the basic outline of the 8 core principles of consent:
Ask first, rather than just trying or assuming. Accept that anything that’s not a clear Yes is a No, and that’s ok. Slow down to find your yes or no, and let the other person have time for theirs. All honest responses are kind, including No. Get curious each time: don’t assume a Yes this time is a Yes always. Be open to offer or receive creative alternatives.Kind people still make mistakes, but they also listen and learn from them.  Checking in afterwards is important. For more free resources, to get on my email list for access to events and encouragement from me, or to see if I'm taking new clients and book a consultation, go to https://laurajurgens.com

If you're a person with a penis or partnered with someone with one, this episode will help you understand and solve some very common orgasm challenges for male-bodied people during partner sex: having orgasms sooner than you'd like ("premature ejaculation" or PE) or not at all.

It will help you stop trying to extend your time to orgasm by thinking about something awful and checking out (pro tip: that is horrible advice), and I'll walk you through what actually works instead.

If you have trouble orgasming with a partner, or you’d just like to try some new approaches to orgasm, this episode will also help you with the most common reason for that and how to overcome it.

Plus you may hear a few tips to enhance male orgasms that you may not have tried yet.

Sign up for my email newsletter with free mini-courses, workshop announcements and general love notes for you, and get the Wheel of Erotic Emotions guide to understanding your turn-ons here: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel

Book recommendations mentioned in the episode:
How to Overcome PE, Please Your Partner & Have Great Sex by Metz & McCarthyMaking Love Real by Harel & Hirschman (recommend to all people in relationships)The Multi-Orgasmic Man by Arava & Chia Course recommendation for PE:
2-hour audio course by the Somatica® Method founders: https://www.celesteanddanielle.com/work-with-us/sex-coaching-homework-exercises/control-ejaculation-audio-download/ 
For more free resources, to get on my email list for access to events and encouragement from me, or to see if I'm taking new clients and book a consultation, go to https://laurajurgens.com

So you want to have more orgasms during partner sex? Awesome! 

This is a common goal for female-bodied people and I am 100% here for that. Women have much lower rates of orgasm during partner sex with men than their male-bodied partners do (and fewer orgasms than men think we're having). Lesbians don't have this problem, nor do women of all persuasions during self-pleasure/masturbation. So let's change this situation, starting with you!

We'll cover what's in our way, how to overcome those challenges, and my top 4 tips for having more orgasms during partner sex -- including some important lessons from lesbian sex. 

We'll close as always with an exercise to help you clarify your own path forward.
For more free resources, to get on my email list for access to events and encouragement from me, or to see if I'm taking new clients and book a consultation, go to https://laurajurgens.com

How would it feel to feel free from shame? Take a moment to imagine it. If you’d like to get closer to that, join me for Episode 11: Becoming Shameless. 


Everyone has shame and inhibitions we picked up from our culture or past experiences. Even those who mask it really well.  It is absolutely possible to shed that baggage. It is a liberating process.


This episode will walk you through an effective approach to de-shaming that you can do with someone close to you or on your own. 


You will learn how to shed judgment about yourself and others. You will walk away knowing how to release shame, feel more free, more worthy and acceptable, and more connected.

Links mentioned in this episode:

1. De-escalate Stress Quick-Start Class (online) April 12, 2024 at 3pm for only $10. Tired of getting so activated, stressed or anxious? Got a habit you want to kick but keep getting overwhelmed by urges? Learn a simple way to de-escalate anxiety, activation, and urges. You need nothing but your body. Space is limited. Sign up today at https://laurajurgens.com/events

2. For a transcript of the episode, go to: https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/  and click on the episode, then click on the transcript tab.

To sign up for my email newsletter, where you can get special companion worksheets for the podcast and other free resources, go to  https://laurajurgens.com and grab the Touch Play Guide while you're at it.





For more free resources, to get on my email list for access to events and encouragement from me, or to see if I'm taking new clients and book a consultation, go to https://laurajurgens.com

Episode 10 is all about when and how to talk to your partner about sex. If you're dating, considering dating, or in a relationship, don't miss this one.  It will take the guesswork out and keep you from a lot of disappointment. 

Many of us spin out in worry about finding the "right time;" avoid talking about important sexual needs, desires, or challenges out of fear or shame; or just blurt out our issues whenever we feel urgent about it. None of these approaches will help you get what you want and need from your partner. This episode gives you the guidance you need to avoid these common communication pitfalls.  

We’re going to cover good times and bad times to talk about sex, including what kinds of topics work (and don’t work) when you’re in the middle of getting it on.

I’ll also teach you the 3 key concepts to help conversations on sensitive subjects go more smoothly. Practicing these will help you and your partner feel heard, enable better connection, make empathy more likely, and avoid conflict.

From the episode, the baseline questions I suggest everyone cover with sex partners periodically are below. Consider these a starting point. 
What would make sex extra amazing for your partner? For you?What would you both like more of? How do you both like to be invited to sexy times? What kind of flirting feels really good to you and them? How do you like to be escalated with?  (That is, moving from flirting to touch, initiating kissing, escalating to making out, moving from making out to removing clothes, initiating genital touch, etc.) How do your g******s particularly like to be touched? What helps you get off? What gets in the way of your arousal or hinders your orgasm? How do you know when sexy times are over? What do you like as a check in for when you’d like to wrap up or end sex? What kind of aftercare do you like? (That is, when the sexy times do come to a close, how can you support each other to come down from that in a gentle, connected way?  Is there anything your partner should know about how you feel after sex? For example, some people cry, meditate, get very quiet, sleepy, sweaty, etc. and all of that is okay but good to know!)Plus these basic logistical questions:
 When were you last STI tested and what were the results? How many partners do you currently have and what are your safety practices with them? Do you want to be non-monogamous or monogamous and how do you like to organize that? How do you define and communicate around monogamy or non-monogamy? 
To register for the April 12, 2024 30-min webinar on De-Escalating Stress in the Body, for only $10, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/events
For more free resources, to get on my email list for access to events and encouragement from me, or to see if I'm taking new clients and book a consultation, go to https://laurajurgens.com