How to Thrive as the Default Parent When you're doing it all in a neurodiverse family with Stephanie Holmes What do you do when you are the only one who sees what your child needs, the only one managing the appointments, the IEPs, the protocols, the meltdowns, the mental load — and the other parent is sitting right there in the same house? If that question landed somewhere deep in your chest, this episode was made for you. Leslie sits down with Dr. Stephanie Holmes, a certified autism specialist, trained therapist for neurodiverse couples, and founder of Autism Spectrum Resources — a woman who has also lived this road personally as both a wife and a mother. Together they pull back the curtain on what it really costs a woman to carry the full weight of parenting a neurodiverse child alongside a disengaged or neurodiverse spouse, what it takes to finally speak up, and how you can protect your own mental, emotional, and spiritual health even when you cannot change your husband or your circumstances. You will walk away from this conversation feeling seen, equipped with practical perspective shifts, and reminded that your faithfulness to your children matters more than you can imagine. Key Takeaways The Mental and Emotional Cost of Being the Default Parent Is Real — and It Is Not Weakness Stephanie describes nearly reaching a complete breakdown after years of functioning as the sole executive for her entire household — managing three neurodiverse family members, running a counseling practice, and absorbing every logistical, emotional, and spiritual demand without asking for help. The toll showed up as migraines, exhaustion, depression, and a crisis of faith. If you have been white-knuckling it through your days and wondering why you are falling apart when you look like you are holding it together, this is not a character flaw. It is the predictable result of one person carrying what two people were designed to share. Lies Dressed as Biblical Mandates Can Keep You Trapped and Suffering Longer Than Necessary Stephanie carried a painful burden for years because a pastor told her in premarital counseling that if she chose to work outside the home, she could never ask her husband to carry any of the domestic load. She signed onto that belief at nineteen, never anticipating children, neurodiversity, or the reality of what their life would actually require. Leslie names this pattern directly — cultural ideas packaged as spiritual law that keep good women silent, overloaded, and ashamed to ask for what they need. Naming the lie is the first step toward freedom. Making the Mental Load Visible Can Open a Door That Silence Never Could The turning point in Stephanie's marriage came not from an argument or an ultimatum, but from a simple, concrete act: she wrote every task down and laid both lists on the table. For her husband, seeing the imbalance visually was the thing that finally made it real. If your husband has not responded to your exhaustion or your words, it does not automatically mean he is cruel — it may mean he genuinely cannot perceive what he has never been shown. This does not excuse a lack of action, but it does suggest that a different kind of communication may open a different kind of conversation. You Cannot Control the External, But You Can Steward What Is Internal Leslie offers one of the most grounding frameworks in the episode: when we are overwhelmed by everything we cannot control — our husband's choices, what happens on his parenting time, whether the school cooperates — we tend to redouble our efforts to control the external, which only deepens our distress. The real work, the work that actually moves the needle, happens inside. Choosing to build community, finding your support people, deciding who you want to be in the middle of this hard season — these are the things within your reach. As Stephanie says, she eventually made a decision: I am going to survive this and I am going to thrive despite this. You Do Not Have to Earn Permission to Get Help, Go to Church, or Take Your Kids on Vacation One of the most practically liberating moments in this conversation is when Stephanie realizes that her husband's unwillingness to participate does not mean she and her children cannot participate in life. He had never told her she could not take the girls on vacation — she had simply assumed that a good Christian wife would not go without him. When she stopped waiting for his yes and started making choices for her children's good, things began to shift. If your husband is not leading, someone still has to keep the plane in the air. Choosing to do that is not a failure of submission — it is a faithful act of stewardship. Personal Invitation If this conversation stirred something in you — if you recognized yourself in the exhaustion, the false beliefs, the longing for someone to finally name what you have been living — we want you to know there is a place to go deeper. My Moving Beyond People Pleasing course was built for women who have spent years putting everyone else's needs, comfort, and approval ahead of their own, and who are ready to learn how to show up differently. It is grounded in Scripture, filled with practical tools, and designed for women who are serious about becoming the truest, most grounded version of who God created them to be. You can learn more and get started here: https://leslievernick.com/mbpp Closing Encouragement You are not failing. You are carrying something extraordinarily heavy, and you have been carrying it largely alone. But you were not meant to do this without God, without community, and without a honest look at what is truly yours to hold and what is not. Stephanie prayed it beautifully in this episode — God is Emmanuel, which means He is with us. He is with you in the IEP meeting, in the exhausted silence after the kids are in bed, in the anger you have been afraid to admit, and in the small faithful steps you take every single day. James 1:5 promises that if you ask for wisdom, He will give it generously. He is not withholding from you. He is walking with you, one step at a time, lighting just enough of the path ahead to keep moving forward. You are not alone. And change — in you, through you, and around you — is possible.
