Dan Savage is an internationally known sex advice columnist, author, activist, podcaster, and longtime host of the Savage Lovecast. For decades, his work has helped shape public conversations about sex, relationships, dating, marriage, monogamy, non-monogamy, LGBTQ+ issues, kink, sexual honesty, and modern intimacy. He is also known for coining terms such as monogamish, pegging, and GGG, and for speaking openly about the topics many people are afraid to discuss. In this conversation, Dan Savage and Dr. Joe Kort explore why so many couples avoid honest conversations about sex, desire, monogamy, cheating, and relationship agreements. Dan discusses why some relationships are more complicated than simple rules about betrayal, why sexless marriages can create painful emotional and sexual deprivation, and why there may be situations where the answer is not as simple as “just leave.” They also discuss monogamy, non-monogamy, and the importance of negotiating relationship agreements rather than assuming both partners define monogamy the same way. Dan shares how the term monogamish came from his own relationship experience and explains why some couples use it to describe sexual flexibility, while others use it simply to acknowledge that attraction to other people does not disappear in a committed relationship. The conversation also looks at straight men who have sex with men, sexual identity, sexual behavior, kink, pegging, bondage, oral sex, and the difference between attraction, fantasy, opportunity, trauma reenactment, and identity. Dan and Dr. Kort discuss where they agree, where they challenge each other, and why it is important to make room for sexual fluidity without erasing the reality that some men may also be struggling with shame, secrecy, or a closeted identity. They also explore Joe’s work on sides, the broader meaning of sex beyond penetration, and why expanding the definition of sex can help people experience more pleasure and less pressure. Dan and Dr. Kort also discuss gay identity, bisexuality, trans men, labels, generational differences, HIV/AIDS activism, queer shame, open relationships, age-gap relationships, kink at Pride, and what Dan calls “woke-washed homophobia.” They reflect on how language changes, why words like gay, queer, bisexual, homosexual, and straight can carry different meanings for different people, and why allowing people to define themselves does not mean we stop thinking critically about behavior, honesty, and self-awareness. Listen to this Smart Sex, Smart Love episode as Dr. Joe Kort talks with Dan Savage about sex, cheating, monogamy, monogamish relationships, straight men who have sex with men, sides, pegging, kink, LGBTQ+ identity, sexual honesty, relationship agreements, queer culture, and the sexuality conversations most people avoid. Support the show
