The Ex Girlfriend Recovery Podcast

Chris Seiter: Self Help, Relationships, Dating And Sexuality
  • 4.8 (14)
  • RELATIONSHIPS

Getting Your Ex Back

  1. 09/27/2021

    My Ex Girlfriend Pushed Me Away

    Today, we’re going to talk about why your ex pushes you away. And most importantly, figuring out what to do if you are in a situation where your ex has pushed you away. Now, I originally got this idea after I was going through our private Facebook support group of which there are 6,300 members, both men and women trying to get their exes back. Most of the time I’m dealing with women who are trying to get their ex-boyfriends back. Very rarely do I have a woman try to get an ex boyfriend back who’s actually broken up with that boyfriend. In other words, most of the times the clients I’m dealing with have been broken up with. Very rarely do I encounter a client who’s done the breaking up themselves. So I thought this would be a really great opportunity to dive into the female psyche of what’s actually going through a woman’s head when they push you away. I’m going through the private Facebook group and I stumble across this woman’s post, and she said some really interesting things that I think will really answer why women tend to push men away, even if they want that man back. So let’s tackle the big question first, which is why do women push men away when they break up with them? What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Girlfriend Back? Take the quiz Understanding Exactly Why Your Ex Girlfriend Pushed You Away Ultimately what we found happening a lot when we encountered women who would push men away during a breakup was this push-pull mentality. One minute they would often push their exes away, and then the next minute they would kind of flirt back with them and then push them away again and flirt back with them. This is really interesting behavior. What’s interesting is when I went through the woman’s post on our private Facebook group, she basically says, “I just want to share an experience where I was on the other side of the equation. I was the dumper, so that we could kind of understand why men react a certain way after the breakup.”” Now she’s writing this from the perspective of helping women, but I took it and I’m looking at it on basically someone’s honest opinion of what they went through when they went through a breakup. So in 2017, she breaks up with her guy after they’ve been together for seven years. She was absolutely sure of it. She knew for a fact, she wanted this breakup. She felt stuck. She felt suffocated in the relationship and she told him things that were not working out between them anymore. Now, while she did this, he was actually on vacation when she initiated the breakup. When he came back, her resolution for the breakup kind of melted away. So I’m assuming he came back into the picture after she exhibits this, I don’t want to be with you anymore, and tries to win her back. Just tries to beg for her back. And her resolution for the breakup kind of melts away.But when he asked me if I was going to change my mind, I said, no. At that point I just thought, if I were to ask him to stay while things were so emotional, the same thing might happen two months down the road. So I did not waiver. And to me, this is the important part of understanding why women end up pushing you away in situations where they are the dumpers. It all has to do with self preservation. Now I’ve long been a proponent of trying to help people understand that when it comes to relationships, we all are very self-interested. We don’t really care much about other people, and this is kind of a weird thing to admit, but we ultimately, all we really care about when it comes to our relationships, our romantic relationships, are how they are going to make us feel. Now it gets kind of complicated because someone who’s very philosophical can come and say, well, what about me? Because I care very deeply about what my partner feels. Well, I would actually argue that’s not the case. The only way you care very deeply about what your partner feels is weirdly enough if they feel bad, it makes you feel bad, because their opinion matters to you. So by making them feel better you in turn, weirdly enough, feel better, which is sort of a philosophical paradox in self-interest. So what’s interesting about this is if you look at someone pushing you away with the frame of mind that they’re being incredibly self-interested, they’re trying to protect themselves from being hurt, it makes a lot of sense. We often will talk about the emotional wall. Like I said, most of the time I’m dealing with women on a one-on-one basis. But one thing that I see a lot that is kind of universal among the human race is the idea of putting up the emotional barrier. We all have been there where we put up an emotional barrier, or we’ve been with someone who’s put up an emotional barrier. You can sense somethings off. You’ll oftentimes confront them about it and say, “Are you okay?” And they’ll say, “I’m fine,” but they’re keeping you distant because they’re wanting to protect themselves. They either don’t want to hurt your feelings, which in turn would hurt their feelings and make them feel guilt, or there’s something really going on in their head that they don’t want to share with you. It creates this weird scenario where they’re worried about your feelings. This is an important concept to help you understand why women often push men away. Because a lot of times men will come to me and they’ll say, Chris, why is my ex-girlfriend pushing me away when we shared everything so intimately from a physical standpoint and also an emotional standpoint? Why is she acting different now? Well, ultimately it’s self-interested. She’s trying to protect herself. But that’s not the whole reason for why women push you away. It’s just a reason for why women can push you away. Another huge reason for why women could push you away is they have a little bit of an avoidant mentality. Now, avoidance oftentimes… We talked about the core concept of why avoidance will push men away. It’s important to understand this. Someone who has avoidant attachment style tendencies will tend to value their independence a lot more highly than the average person. So anytime they’re in a relationship where they feel that that independence is becoming threatened, they push the other person away or they leave, which you take as them pushing you away. Now what’s important about this is it’s really important not to take it personally. What’s happening here is oftentimes after a breakup, your ex-girlfriend has pushed you away, and then they start to flirt with you. It’s important to understand the cycle of how this works, because when you actually study avoidant women, here’s what we learn. We learn that they actually don’t begin to reminisce or think about the good times until they feel you have completely moved on. At that point, they feel safe missing you. So what happens a lot of times is what we’re trying to teach our men and our women clients to do is to project this persona that you are moving on. And you can’t really fake it, you have to move on without moving on. That’s oftentimes what I tell my clients. So what happens is your ex is naturally drawn to this. So they’ve pushed you away and then what happens is they’re drawn to it and they want to live in the reminiscence of the relationship that the two of you had together. What ends up occurring though, is when you hit it off, and when things seem to be going well, they get freaked out again because they feel their independence is becoming threatened. They feel like they’re going to get hurt again, whatever the reason is, and that causes them to push you away again and you end up in this really difficult cycle. What happens with most people is they don’t recognize this pattern because it’s so personal. It hurts when someone we love so deeply is rejecting us, right? But if you actually are able to acknowledge, wait, this is what’s happening, what occurs is maybe the key to helping you understand what to do when an ex-girlfriend pushes you away. But let’s deal with something bigger first right now. Let’s try to answer the question, is your ex-girlfriend pushing you away because she’s scared? Is Your Ex Girlfriend Pushing You Away Because She’s Scared? This is a big question that I noticed came up in Google searches a lot. When I started researching what I was going to say for this article, for this podcast episode, for this YouTube video, wherever you’re experiencing this content, I noticed that one of the big questions people were typing into Google was wait, is my ex-girlfriend pushing me away because she’s scared? And the answer to that question I think is ultimately yes, but not scared of the basic things that you would assume. You would assume that your ex-girlfriend is pushing you away because she’s trying to protect you from something she’s thinking. That can certainly be the case, but I don’t think that’s ultimately what it is. I think ultimately what it is, is she’s pushing you away to protect herself. Remember, if you operate under the assumption that every action that is taken during a romantic encounter is self-interested, it helps you understand your ex-girlfriend’s actions a lot more. Now what’s interesting is going back and trying to understand from a real life perspective of what an ex-girlfriend is going through when she pushes you away, I’d like to point you back to that client I talked about in the Facebook group, whose story we’re really using as a fuel to understand what’s going on when an ex pushes you away. Here’s something interesting that she had to say. She did not waiver. So ultimately she broke up with him, he tried to a

    19 min

  2. 06/21/2021

    Can You Get Your Ex Back If You Live Together?

    Today we’re going to talk about how to get your ex back if you live together with them. So, if you stick around until the end of this article you’re going to learn, Some of the common pitfalls our clients fall into when they still live with their exes. Our five step process for getting an ex back in this exact situation. Enough talk! Let’s get to it. What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Girlfriend Back? Take the quiz How To Get Your Ex Back If You Live Together With Them Situations where you’re living with your ex are always difficult, because a lot of the times, the situations or the game plan that we’ve created is designed for more general purposes, and what I mean by that is it’s designed for situations where you’re not living with your ex, where usually cheating hasn’t been involved, or there’s no long-distance situation involved, so a lot of the core basic concepts that we come up with on Ex Girlfriend Recovery really don’t apply to situational circumstances. This is actually one of the reasons why we have so many articles, because there’s so many nuances to getting an ex back in this situation or that situation, and living together is no different. But what we’ve done is we’ve come up with sort of a five-step process for getting an ex back if you live together, so very quickly, here are the things that we want you to do, and what I’m going to do after I list these things is go in-depth on exactly what I mean by them. Have A Plan For Moving Out Go Out With Other People Begin Limited No Contact Until You Do Move Out Shift Your Anxious Attachment To A More Secure One Institute The Value Ladder If this sounds like rocket science to you, don’t worry, I’m going to make it make sense, so let’s just start from the top. Step One: Have A Plan For Moving Out The big one is step one, being the plan for moving out. So this is actually a difficult thing to maybe hear, but one of the things that we tested when we first started Ex Girlfriend Recovery, and even our first website, Ex Boyfriend Recovery, when we saw situations where people were living together with their exes, we actually tried to get them to just simply use what you’re going to learn about later, a limited no contact rule, and the value ladder, and the value chain, and concepts like that, but what we quickly found out was they were ineffective. Almost always, the concept of the value ladder and the value chain, which we will talk about as step five, was a lot more effective when you weren’t actually living together, so we tried to… We decided a few years ago to try, for our clients who were living together with exes, to advise them, “Hey, if it’s possible, move away from your ex, move out of the situation entirely.” So we started advising people to do this, and almost instantly we saw much better successes. In fact, one of the situations that… This is maybe a bit of a tangent off-topic, but one of the situations that we were encountering early on that we were really struggling with was what do you do if you’re living together with an ex, and your ex is dating someone new? And almost by accident, we advised this client, it was actually a female whose ex literally was with someone else at the time that they were living together, we advised this client to move out, and it actually helped spur us to realize, hey, number one, moving out actually really works, it kind of levels the playing field, but number two, for this particular situation, we actually advise longer periods of no contact, which kind of we’ll talk a little bit about when we talk about the limited no contact and sort of the concept with that, so we almost kind of stumbled upon these two insights just from our very first person who we advised to move out. So really step one is create a plan, if possible, for moving out, so if you’re living together with your ex, you need to move away from them. Now, this may seem like the worst thing in the world, because I think a lot of the misconception is, “Well, if I’m living together with my ex, that’s such an advantage,” but we find it’s actually not an advantage, it’s a disadvantage, so many things can go wrong, so what we try to do is we try to level the playing field by advising all of our clients who are living together with an ex, if possible, because some people, it’s just not possible, if possible, move out, get your own apartment, become more independent, that’s step one. Step Two: Begin Going Out With Other People Step two is begin going out with other people. Now, most of the time, this is not what you think. A lot of times, I think the natural assumption is, “Okay, so Chris wants me to go out with other people, I need to start finding dates.” Well, yes and no, it doesn’t necessarily have to be dates. What we’re trying to do is we’re trying to show your ex that you are not going to sit around and mope around about the fact that this breakup occurred. A lot of times, we’re finding… I’m going to admit something here, I probably shouldn’t admit this on air, but I’ve actually not done a study for the men on Ex Girlfriend Recovery, we have done studies for the women on Ex Boyfriend Recovery, we found that pretty much 95% of the clients there have been broken up with by their exes. Just from listening to the voicemails I get, most of the time, we’re finding ex-girlfriends are the ones to break up with our male clients, but I don’t have the proof to back it up, so that is just an assumption I’m rolling on, or rolling with here, but most of the time, when your ex-girlfriend has broken up with you, the narrative that she creates in her head is, “They can’t survive without me.” And there’s a lot of different reasons for breaking up, sometimes ex-girlfriends will make it seem like this is a mutual breakup, but almost always, it’s never very mutual. So by going out, you’re showing your ex that number one, they’re not your first priority anymore, number two, they’re nothing more than an acquaintance to you, and number three is you’re not sitting around, moping around depressed, you’re handling the breakup in a mature way. Now, does this mean you should be going out every single night and partying? No, that’s almost an over-correction, but we do advise you to go out with other people, all right? Friends, family members, even romantic interests if you want to try dating someone else, this is a good time to do that, because if they’re seeing you come and go at all hours of the night, it’s not as effective as just seeing you come and go from time to time, it just looks like you’re not sitting around moping about the breakup. What you’re trying to do here is you’re trying to make them have this paradigm shift where they literally start wondering, “Did I mean nothing to them?” Because this actually helps create value. Step Three: The Limited No Contact Rule Let’s move on to step number three. So step number three is doing a limited no contact rule until you do move out. All right, so this is where we get a little complicated. If you’re creating a plan for moving out, that actually makes doing a full no contact rule really well, so here’s sort of the controversial thing that we’re going to be saying today. When you are with your ex, and you’re living together with them, I mean, you’re going to want to do what’s called a limited no contact rule, so we are often talking about the no contact rule as being this period of time where you’re ignoring your ex on purpose, with the intent of outgrowing them. But when you’re living together with them, it’s kind of hard to ignore them, so you have to do kind of limited no contact, where if you see them, you’re not trying to be rude, you don’t try to start a conversation, but if they’re starting a conversation, you do engage with them, and then sort of give them the bare minimum, and then go back to business. Now, usually some people who are living together only think they need to do a limited no contact rule and that’s it, so once their 30 days of limited no contact are up, “Cool, that’s it, I’m ready to go, let’s begin talking again.” What we’re finding, and this is going to be hard to hear, is once you do a limited no contact rule, what you need to do is do a full no contact rule once you move out, so that plan for moving out is kind of important. Longer periods of no contact, we are becoming more and more fans of. We weren’t originally at the beginning, and this is kind of counter-intuitive, but what we’re finding is we’re noticing that a lot of times, exes who break up with you tend to have avoidant tendencies, and there’s almost this time dilation that exists with people who have avoidant tendencies in time during the no contact rule. So for a quick example, there are four basic attachment styles, you have secure attachment style, anxious attachment style, avoidant attachment style, and fearful attachment style. Let’s throw fearful out, because only 7% of the population has a fearful attachment style, it’s extremely rare for your ex-girlfriend to have one, so let’s just operate under the assumption that there’s three attachment styles, right? So let’s say you’re doing a 30-day no contact rule. For someone who was a secure attachment style, 30 days is going to feel like 30 days. 30 days will feel normal. For someone with an anxious attachment style, 30 days is going to feel like 60 days. For someone with an avoidant attachment style, 30 days is going to feel like a week to 10 days, so there’s almost this weird time dilation that exists in how we perceive time during the no contact ru

    18 min

  3. 01/18/2021

    How To Act When You See Your Ex At Work

    Today, we’re going to be talking about how to act when you see your ex at work. This is actually a topic that I was shocked that we hadn’t covered before, even though I’ve definitely talked about it on Ex Girlfriend Recovery and talked about it in even my other website, Ex Boyfriend Recovery, I haven’t actually put a podcast episode or a YouTube video, or even an article specifically dedicated to this topic. So I thought this is the perfect time to do just that since it is an issue that we find a lot of people having. Now before I get into the nitty gritty of exactly how you should act and giving you tactical advice. The one thing that I do want to say is if you’re a newbie listening to this podcast, or you’ve never been introduced to Ex Girlfriend Recovery, probably the best place to start is first by figuring out what kind of chance you have of getting your ex back. Believe me when I say there’s nothing worse than trying to get an ex back when you really don’t have a chance of getting them back at all. Now luckily for you on our website, www.exgirlfriendrecovery.com, we put together a special free two-minute quiz that’s designed to basically tell you what kind of chance you have. So you know whether or not you’re wasting your time. What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Girlfriend Back? Take the quiz How Do You Act If You See Your Ex At Work?  I think the first thing that you need to understand is where you stand throughout the process that we teach. So if you’re not familiar, we have a very strict process that we’d like to have our clients go through when they are attempting to try to get an ex back or even attempting to try to get over an ex. And that process always starts at the same place. It starts with the no contact rule. Now, if you’re not familiar with what the no contact rule is, it’s like the ultimate buzzword for breakups. You can’t pretty much go to any expert out there without hearing about it. There’s always several differences between each expert. One expert will talk about the no contact rule and say do it for 30 days. Another will say do it for 90 days. We have our own version of the no contact rule, but it’s based on what we’re finding actually works out on the field. So the no contact rule, you kind of need to understand where you are at throughout the no contact rule. The rules for communicating with an ex at work is different. If you’re in a no contact rule versus if you’re not in a no contact rule. So that’s a key component. You need to first figure out where you are in the midst of no contact. Now I’m going to go out on a limb here and just kind of assume that the people who are most likely to be searching for this topic are not basically using a no contact rule. They’ve probably either never heard about it, or they have heard about and thought, “Well that sounds too hard. I’m not going to try that.” You need to try no contact rule. That’s always the first step, pretty much in every single situation that we’ve ever found. It’s a great first step for a lot of different reasons. I don’t want to get into them here since I want to stick to how to act when you see your ex at work and on the topic with regards to that. But I’m going to go ahead and kind of assume that you’ve not tried a no contact rule, which means you’re going to try it, right? So here are the rules for how you should handle no contact when you see your ex at work. So one of the interesting nuances between the no contact rule and seeing an ex at work is there’s no way to, “no contact an ex at work,” especially if you work together, especially if you’re guaranteed to see each other so that no contact rule actually becomes something that we call the limited no contact rule, which means you’re essentially going to ignore your ex in every way that you would with a no contact rule. The only difference there is when you’re forced to see them at work, you’re going to act in a very secure way and more on the secure sort of way in a minute. But one thing I want to kind of get into here is this concept that we’re noticing of the doomsday clock. Now I made actually a really good friend. One of the people that I decided to help on Ex Girlfriend Recovery became my friend. And he was a really brilliant guy and he is the one who kind of came up with this doomsday clock thing. And I asked if I could borrow it. And he said yes. What Do I Mean When I Talk About The Doomsday Clock?  Well, one really interesting thing that we noticed with regards to people who try the no contact rule is they almost like look at the no contact as a doomsday timer, right? So as each day goes, it’s like another day that they’re closer to losing their ex. And we found that, that’s the wrong way to look at it. So we don’t want you to look at the no contact rule. And the reason I’m really bringing this up is because a lot of people who are forced to see their exes at work are literally kind of having that tomb’s day clock sort of stuck on a 10. They’re seeing their ex every single day. They’re seeing how they’re not getting closer to getting them back there. They feel like they’re getting closer to losing their ex forever. They feel like another guy is going to swoop in and take the ex-girlfriend away. And that’s not how we should be looking at the no contact rule. Probably the best way I can explain how you need to look at the no contact rule is like you would look at Christmas morning when you were a kid. Now I want you to think back when you were like a little kid and you knew Santa Claus was coming. That night before you understood the truth about Santa Claus, you believed in Santa Claus, you knew he was coming. You knew he was bringing presents. You probably couldn’t sleep. In fact, your parents probably got really mad at you because you couldn’t sleep. They’re saying, “Go to bed, Santa Claus isn’t going to come if you stay up all night.” But what did you do? You stayed up all night anyways, and then you conked out and then you probably woke up early the next day because you were so excited to see what presents were bought. That is how you need to be looking at the no contact rule. You need to be excited. You need to look at this as sort of a countdown to Christmas, not the end of the world. No contact is not… So every day that goes through no contact shouldn’t be a day where you’re getting closer to losing your ex. It should be a day you’re getting closer to getting your ex back. That’s the mentality I think that you need to have, and this mentality can help extremely well. Especially when you see your ex at work. Now a lot of what we’re talking about here is sort of philosophical in nature. These are the mindsets you need to have in the no contact rule and where you’re at in the no contact rule should depend on or should dictate how you handle seeing your ex in person at work. We haven’t really talked about actionable ideas. So let’s talk about some of those actionable ideas. Tyler Ramsey Helps Us Understand How To Act At Work Lately, we’re on a kick and that’s because we hired actually a new coach on the Ex Recovery staff. His name is Tyler Ramsey and his background is in psychology. He’s actually in his last year of medical school and he’s very seriously considering starting a psychology practice, which I think is great. So I’m really happy to have him on the team and just hiring him and being super impressed with everything he’s bringing to the table. He’s talked a lot about attachment styles and lately… So I’ve been talking about this all the time, but I actually recently ran on our YouTube channel an interesting study where I was taking people who actually successfully got their exes back. And I was interviewing them for anywhere between 40 minutes to an hour. The main goal is essentially just asking them questions from start to finish on how the breakup occurred, how they got their exes back, what went right, what went wrong and trying to understand what are the differences between people who are successful and people who are unsuccessful. And what’s really interesting is the big difference we’ve noticed from people who are successful is that at some point throughout the process, they gave up on trying to get their ex back. And I found this kind of interesting, but I had no psychological way of understanding it until I met Tyler Ramsey and interviewed a few other people in the psychology space. And they introduced me to attachment styles. The Importance Of Attachment Styles Now, what are attachment styles? Well, generally speaking, there’s a lot of different variations and combinations of attachment styles. But if you want to get the bare basic minimum, there’s four type of attachment styles. You have, secure attachment style anxious attachment style avoidant attachment style fearful attachment style Now defining each is actually really simple. Secure attachment style is the kind of person that will have the… When they go through a breakup, they will have the fortitude to process the emotions, they’ll feel bad for themselves then they’ll kind of get over and be like, “You know what? I’m not going to obsess about this. I’m going to kind of move on with my life.” Anxious attachment styles has the opposite effect. They’re the type of people who go through a breakup. They stalk their exes. Their entire life is wrapped up into this relationship. They blow their ex’s phones up. There’s that funny meme that was going around when I first started Ex Boyfriend Recovery and Ex Girlfriend Recovery of the girl who like left 70,000 v

    15 min

  4. 11/09/2020

    What To Text An Ex Who Hates Or Dislikes You

    Today we’re going to be talking about what to text an ex who hates you or dislikes you. Basically, you ended on very contentious terms and you’re trying to figure out how you can kind of bridge the gap and get a conversation started. Now, one thing that we’re going to talk about today in this podcast episode is the fact that we may have finally found a way to do just that, and we’ve been looking for a very, very long time. But first things first, if you haven’t already, make sure you stop everything you’re doing and take the Ex Recovery Chances Quiz that we have on our website here. All you have to do if you want to take this quiz is simply click the prompt below. It’s free. It should only take you two minutes. And by the end you should have pretty much a good idea on whether or not you should be trying to get your ex back or not, or simply be moving on in your particular circumstance. What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Girlfriend Back? Take the quiz What Do I Talk About With An Ex Who Hates Me? So let’s talk about ex’s who really dislike you and you’re having trouble with texting them or starting a conversation with them. So, always we’ve talked throughout the years … So I’ve been doing this for maybe, almost nine years now, which is a pretty long time because I feel like it’s just yesterday since I started this entire business up. But my theory from the get-go has still proven to be the most effective one that we found, and that’s simply when you are going through a breakup and you determine that you want to get your ex back, the number one thing you should do, the theory that we have is to find a way to start a conversation with them, build value and move up the value ladder and the value chain. So what are the value ladder and the value chains? Well, basically the value ladder and value chains is this concept that I created to show you how different mediums occur in relationships, where you’re talking to them through text message, talking to them over the phone, talking to them in person and what you should be doing during those events. And also the different types of conversations you need to be having with them during those type of mediums of conversations that you’ve been having. I know it’s a little bit complicated, but if you actually go to our website, I’m going to put sort of a picture that sort of defines what this looks like visually and that should sort of clear it up. And if you’re wondering what our results have been, for the most part they’ve been pretty overwhelmingly positive, but we’ve always had one fly in the ointment, and that is contentious situations. Now, we all know that when you go through a breakup emotions are bound to run high. And usually when emotions bound to run high, you’re going to say things that you don’t mean, your ex is going to say things you don’t mean. And of course when you say these things you’ll think you mean them, and when they see those things they’ll think they mean them. And of course, with the barriers of communication being what they are, it just leaves an icky feeling. Eh. But what’s interesting is, we view ex-girlfriend recovery not as a one size fits all situation, but as an organic process that’s constantly ever evolving. And that’s something and sometimes really hard for people to wrap their minds around. See, a lot of people think that I have all the answers to their problems, that because I’ve created Ex-Girlfriend Recovery and seem to know what I’m talking about, that I know every single situation in the history of man and how to handle it. And the truth is, I don’t. I know a lot of situations and how to handle them to give you the best chances of success, but even in circumstances where you do everything right you can still fail. And that’s a really hard pill for a lot of people to swallow, but it’s just simply the truth. And I’m not in the business of disguising the truth. The truth is that you can do everything right and still fail. But there’s always been one really contentious issue that we’ve had, and that’s with issues where you and your ex are constantly fighting, you left on bad terms. How do you handle that? And for years we didn’t really recommend anything different for people who are in situations where … And let’s kind of structure it in levels. Let’s say level one is like you just get into a little petty disagreement and you breakup. Level 10 is like you’re throwing things at the other person, and they’re throwing things back at you and it’s just really bad. Right? How To Handle Extremely Contentious Situations What is the best way to handle those contentious situations? And after eight, nine years of doing this, we think we finally found a way to diffuse those contentious situations. And the whole reason I’m recording this podcast, is because today in my private Facebook support group there was someone who went off script, and usually those people don’t fare too well. But in this particular case it was a woman, so it’s not exactly, for those of you who are men listening to this podcast, it’s not exactly a perfect fit to your situation, but I think the tactic and the technique still applies. And that is, she used a strategy. She went off script. She used a strategy that we don’t recommend because we haven’t tested it out enough, but I’ve been reading a lot about it called labeling. So let me set up the environment for you. So there’s a girl in our private Facebook group, she purchased my program, the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Program. Also, if you don’t know, I own a website also called Ex-Boyfriend Recovery in tandem with Ex-Girlfriend Recovery, and as you can guess, it helps women try to get ex’s back, and Ex-Girlfriend Recovery helps men trying to get ex’s back. I know, very original. But anyway, she’s in the program, and you get access when you buy any of our programs to a private Facebook support group. And she said she did a no contact rule. She did 45 days no contact rule. This has been her third breakup. And she decided not to take our advised text messages, but to kind of do her own version of one. And I’m actually going to pull the text message up so that I can read it to you because I think it’s really interesting. Okay. So, here is her text message word for word. “Hey, hope all’s well, happy face. I was at work yesterday when a regular customer from Bridgewater came in. Reminded me to reach out to you and let you know I don’t hate your guts, laugh out loud. Hope you already know that. I truly pray that you’ll regain your blah, blah, blah,” and it just kind of goes on from there. I basically said the important part that you needed to hear. So what’s interesting is the reason this text message stuck out to me … And by the way, she got a response and it was a really, really good response. But the reason this text message stuck out to me is because I’ve been researching a concept. I’ve been reading a book called Never Split the Difference. It’s by Chris Voss, he was the FBI’s lead international hostage negotiator. So this guy was literally sent to hostage situations and forced to diffuse them. And one thing he talks about in the book is the fact that you’re a failure if just one person loses their life. So it’s kind of an all or nothing deal if you’re a hostage negotiator. And I figured, well, what a perfect thing to use for breakups, because many of my clients kind of put themselves in these all or nothing situations where they’re heartbroken if things don’t work out. And so, what is it that this FBI hostage negotiator’s doing to get people whose lives are literally on the line to actually pay attention and do what he wants? And what’s interesting is I read in the book, and just some of the things that he was talking about there is mind blowing, and he kind of equates our lives to negotiation and how every little act we take part of is a negotiation in its own right. And he has all these different rules and regulations for what works in different styles of negotiating. And one of the things that I really kind of gravitated towards or really resonated with, because I thought to myself, wow, I think that could work for my clients, is this concept of labeling. Understanding The Concept Of Labeling So what is labeling? Well, labeling is basically a way of validating someone’s emotion simply just by acknowledging it. So you give someone’s emotion a name and you show that you identify with how that person feels. And also gets you close to someone without asking about the external factors that you don’t really know anything about. So what good negotiators do when labeling is they address those underlying emotions, they label negatives, they diffuse them. So basically by labeling negative emotions that the person probably has, you diffuse them, or it can diffuse them. And then of course you have the flip side, labeling positive emotions reinforces them. So this is really interesting concept, because if you actually just look at that text message that I just talked about, there’s two things happening there. Number one is she didn’t even realize it, but she labeled her ex’s emotions. So they ended very contentiously, right? There was a lot of arguments back and forth to the point where she was saying things that she didn’t really mean, and she labeled that emotion. So I’m going to read it back to you and you tell me where you see the labeling occurring, or rather I’ll just stop and tell you. “Hey, hope all is well. I was at work yesterday when a regular customer from Bridgewater came in. It reminded me t

    12 min

  5. 10/01/2020

    I Feel Getting My Ex Girlfriend Back Is A Lost Cause

    Okay, so today we’re going to do something a little bit different. Now normally what I do is I leave kind of the phone lines open. I let people leave voicemails to ask me a question, and then I answer those questions, but I thought I’d kind of flip the script a little bit and let you behind the scenes into one of my coaching sessions. So right now there’s just this really awesome guy that I’m coaching. And I asked him, I said, “Hey, if there was one question that you wanted an answer to more than anything, what would that be?” And so he wrote down the question for me. I’m going to read it. And after I read it, I’m going to kind of riff, kind of give you an idea, because I read his question obviously before I started recording. And I think it’s going to not only tackle a lot of the emotions that happen after a breakup, but also a lot of the doubt and the worry, and sort of how you kind of have to embark on this program with not a lot of faith that you’re going to succeed in the end. And that’s really difficult to deal with. So without further ado, here’s his question. What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Girlfriend Back? Take the quiz What Can I Do If I Feel Like Getting My Ex Back Is A Lost Cause? So I ask him real quick, “If there’s one question that you wanted an answer to you more than anything, what would it be?” Here’s his response. “I just totally feel that it’s a lost cause at this point, Chris. I’m speaking from my head and not my heart. She truly loves this guy and only calls me when it comes to money situations. She has acknowledged multiple times that he can’t keep up with her bills and lifestyle, but that she truly loves him. Today is my 40th birthday. And her and I were supposed to spend some time together and she said that wouldn’t be fair to the other guy. The writing is on the wall. And it’s time for me to walk away. She said that she feels he is going to ask her to marry him eminently, and she is going to say yes. So I guess I don’t have any questions. I think it’s overdue that I walk away and understand it. I lost.” Okay. So I’m actually just going to talk directly to my client now. So I don’t want that to throw any of you off because essentially what this is is sort of like a little bit behind the scenes coaching call, where no names are going to be used, and we’re just going to be dealing with the situation at hand. So here’s what we got. Taking Stock Of What I’m Seeing With Success Stories We got essentially a situation where you’re sitting there, not necessarily feeling sorry for yourself, but you’re kind of wallowing in the despair because so much seems to be going wrong. So here’s what in your head is going wrong. Number one, she’s moved on to another guy, which was sort of happening even before you and I met. Number two, you’re worried that he’s going to pop the question, but she’s even admitted that he can’t keep up with her bills and lifestyle. N umber three is you feel kind of just defeated. And so I’m not going to sit here and tell you what to do, but here’s what I will say. For the past few weeks I’ve been doing this really interesting thing on my other website, Ex Boyfriend Recovery. So you found me through Ex Girlfriend Recovery. Basically the whole website is teaching men how to handle breakups, what to do if they want their ex back, or even what to do if they want to get over their exes. But believe it or not, Ex Girlfriend Recovery started after Ex Boyfriend Recovery did. Ex Boyfriend Recovery was for women basically in the exact same scenario. Now the real big difference between these two websites isn’t the fact that, hey, one’s for men, one’s for women. It’s the fact that there’s a lot more women that search breakup questions than men. So when I look at the vast majority of the success stories, people who have gone through my program, gotten their exes back successfully, I have mostly women to draw from. And this is a little difficult because there’s a lot of men wanting hope. And I think that’s kind of what you’re looking for. The breakups, you’re going to go through many different phases of one minute you’re going to be angry, the next minute you’re going to want them back, then you’ll be angry again. It’s almost like you go through the five stages of grief and then you have a relapse again. I’ve seen that happen multiple times. But I think when we look at your situation, I actually don’t see it as that bad. So if you remember, when we first started working together, you were paying for all of her bills. She was living at your house, she was dating some new guy, and you basically drew the line. You said, “No more. I’m not going to do that.” And she freaked out on you, like we predicted she would. And like we predicted, she and the new guy right now are in the midst of the honeymoon period. And that honeymoon period is going to end eventually. And that’s when the shine’s going to wear off when she’s got the expensive lifestyle with the bills and everything like that. And so as odd as it sounds, and the reason I bring up the success stories on the Ex Boyfriend Recovery is because I’ve been doing this really cool study for pretty much for every single week for the past two months, I’ve been drip feeding one large success story interview I’ve been having with women who’ve gotten their exes back on my YouTube channel. And ultimately I came into these success story interviews with zero ego. Meaning I didn’t really care what people did to get their exes back. All I care about is results. What is working? So, What Worked For Success Stories? And what’s really interesting is the normal things you would expect to work obviously worked, but there were a few things that shocked me. Number one was often times it was the women who literally got to this point where they just didn’t care about getting their exes back anymore, where they were willing to walk away, that all of a sudden their ex pays attention to them. And we can go into the psychology behind maybe why this works, but I guess here’s my point. When I look at your situation, and I’m not there like a fly on the wall to see how your interactions are going, or anything like that, but maybe there’s a certain amount of desperation that she senses from you. So you and her still talk, even though she’s with the new guy. And I guess my problem with that isn’t necessarily that it’s a problem. It’s that maybe when you’re talking to her, she can sense the desperation of how badly you want her back. I guess my point is, if you have a conversation with her where you are just literally like savage, you just don’t care if you get her back. I’m wondering if she has a different opinion. I also would make the argument that right now all seems lost, but it’s not necessarily lost. And the reason I say that, it’s because she’s in the midst of the honeymoon period. She’s still with the new guy. Things are still great with them. The honeymoon period can sometimes last as much as six months. And it takes forever, six months is a long time, before the shine wears off. In fact, I actually think with this particular person, if the guy does propose to her, it’s not going to be, it’s not going to be solidified. I kind of see it more as he’s going to do what he can to just sort of keep her happy, but I don’t think they’ll actually walk down the aisle, because we already know that your ex-girlfriend loves the lavish lifestyle and he can not provide it for her. So I guess my point is, there’s a point where you can sit and kind of wallow in the pain, and I think you’re allowed to do that. But if I was you, I wouldn’t look at it as this negative thing, like I’ll never get her back. That’s weird for me to say that, because usually I’m all for like, “Hey, it’s okay. If you want to move on, let’s move on.” But I honestly believe that sort of just standing up for yourself, showing you have a spine, basically not caring for her anymore, is the key to getting her. And I think you kind of saw that happen a little bit, because you would talk sometimes to her friends. Immediately after you essentially kicked her out of the house, because she was basically mooching off of you, she goes berserk because it’s a clear indicator that you’re like, “I don’t care anymore. I’m not going to put up with your stuff anymore.” And I guess my point is, I’m wondering if you’ve regressed a little bit, because you went through kind of this no-contact period, and then you got back in touch with her, but you didn’t get back in touch with her the correct type of way. You got back in touch with her, you saw her in person, and she can see how much you still want her back. Even if you’re hiding it, I think she can see, because I don’t think it’s something that you can fake. And sometimes the smartest, and I was talking to a professional psychologist the other day, I was interviewing them for my podcast. And they said something really fascinating to me. It was this woman, her name’s Antia Boyd. She’s really good. She only really specializes in helping women get men, but it was kind of really fascinating because she talked a lot about how she broke up with her husband before they got married, and why she did it, and how he got her back. And the real thing I took from it was she’s really big into the attachment styles and how we grow up with these different attachment styles, you have insecure attachment, you have anxious attachment, avoidant attachment. Sometimes you can have combinations, anxious/avoidant, but t

    15 min

  6. 09/14/2020

    He Cheated On His Ex Girlfriend And Now He Wants Her Back

    Hey there and welcome to another episode of the Ex Girlfriend Recovery Podcast. Today, we’re going to be taking on one of the arguably, the most difficult situation you can find yourself in if you are going through a breakup and have decided that you want to get your ex girlfriend back. And that’s what to do if you have cheated on your ex girlfriend and your relationship has been extremely toxic. How do you overcome that? So we’re going to be hearing from a man named anonymous. He didn’t want to be named, who’s going to give us kind of a breakdown of his situation. And his situation is really, really heavy. There’s a lot going on there. In fact, generally speaking, when I post these voicemails I get, I usually only give people about a minute and a half to talk. He was still talking after that minute and a half. So I had to cut him off for brevity’s sake, but pretty much got what we needed to know to help him on what to do going forward. What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Girlfriend Back? Take the quiz Without further ado, here is his message. His Ex Girlfriend Broke Up With Him Because He Cheated Me and my girlfriend been broken up for about maybe two months and a half, three. It all happened over a dumb fight. And we’ve been toxic, we’ve argued a lot. I’ve cheated because I was insecure and I thought she was up to no good. Then I found out the truth after she broke up with me, she wanted to tell me the truth. We had sex, but she’s like hot and cold and then now she hates me, spreads all these rumors about me in town and she’s dating some other guy who I guess has money. I don’t know if I’ll ever have a chance to get her back, I don’t hear from her, I haven’t spoken to her, I haven’t broken no contact. I think I’ve been in no contact for almost like a month and a half. I’m willing to at least talk to her and try to figure something out or, I don’t know, fix things, but I don’t think she wants to speak to me at all. I don’t think I have a chance at all. I don’t think she really likes me too much anymore. So I don’t know. She just went straight up cold and distant and just talk smack and I’m waiting for the gym to open so I could work workout. But we were together for basically like three years. We did everything together. Cook, hang out, play video games, everything. Now she’s just stuck up that guy’s ass and she won’t even take care of her son and she’s keeping like a fake image. Here’s How To View A Situation Like This Okay. So there’s obviously a lot going on here to unpack. And before I really start advising, I want to kind of explain to people how I typically view situations like this. So generally speaking, when I’m working with a client, the very first thing that always enters my mind is understanding that they are in a highly emotional state. And sometimes this emotional state can creep in sometimes in their explanations and I feel that’s what happened here. So what you’re getting, when … And just from the 30,000 foot perspective, so you can actually see how I handle situations like this. What you’re getting here as someone who’s in a highly emotional state that’s trying to quickly describe everything that’s going on, but they can’t really put concrete words to it. So you’ll notice his explanations are all over the place. He had a girlfriend who broke up with him for two and a half months, no, wait, three months. Then it happened over a fight, then cheated on her, then they slept together again, now she’s being hot and cold. Now she’s dating someone with new money. I haven’t heard from her. It’s been no contact from one and a half months. Doesn’t want to speak to me at all. We’ve been together for three years, he’s jumping all over the place. And it’s hard to kind of put a timeline on exactly what’s happened. And if we can guess when we’re looking at this situation is like putting it in a timeline. To me, I would say, “Okay look, they probably broke up. And the catalyst of the breakup is him cheating on her.” And then after that, they started talking again, back and forth and it looks to me like they had makeup sex or they had some type of rekindling, but ever since then, she’s been hot and cold. So he read about no contact somewhere, whether that’s on ex-girlfriend recovery or somewhere else and decided to implement it for one and a half months, but she hasn’t been reaching out to him at all. And now that he sees he’s been in no contact she’s with some other guy. So there’s a lot to unpack here. How To Work On Rebuilding Trust So I think the number one thing I would point out here is when you’re dealing with a situation with cheating involved, there’s multiple layers that you need to peel back. And the first layer I think is, it’s a huge broken aspect of trust. And what really we need to understand about cheating is how men perceive cheating and how women perceive cheating. And it’s interesting if you guys have any time, one person I would really recommend you follow and listen to, especially if you have cheated on your ex girlfriend and you’re trying to get her back, which is arguably, I would argue it’s probably the worst situation to be in. That broken trust is just not easy to earn back and usually it doesn’t happen overnight. So I mean, it could take years to recover a breakup or recover a situation like that. But one person who I consider to be one of the more foremost experts on it is a woman by the name of Esther Perel. And so if you actually listen to Esther Perel’s talks about cheating. She has some really interesting insights like relating around guilt. So for example, one thing we know about men and women who cheat is they do feel a certain amount of guilt afterwards, but not for the act itself. The act itself, even if it was kind of a spontaneous type of thing, was exciting to them. They feel guilt because they don’t want to hurt their partner. And then another thing we’re learning about how men and women cheat in one of the big differences is oftentimes when men cheat, they can still be pretty much in love with the person that they’re with. So it’s almost like they’re a slave to their emotions or they’re slave to their hard wiring. The whole aspect of men are kind of meant to spread their seed to as many hosts as possible because it’s how evolution works and how our human race will survive. And what’s interesting is you can even see this in marriages. A lot of times marriages end after about seven years, what happens is, you’ll get married, then you’ll have kids, right? And usually they stay pretty faithful to the woman for about seven years until the kid can fend for himself. And then that’s when a lot of marriages break up, they go on and they find a new partner, impregnate them, rinse and repeat. Now it doesn’t always work that way, but this kind of explains to you, maybe the thinking behind evolutionary feelings and how cheating works. The Differences In How Men And Women Cheat The other interesting thing is actually how women cheat. So women cheat, not usually because they’re still in love with the person they cheated on with. It’s the exact opposite. In fact, women often who cheat are so checked out of the relationship, they feel trapped. They’re just looking to get away. So oftentimes they’ll cheat if they have no romantic connection with that person they’re with any more. And what we have here is a guy who cheated on his ex-girlfriend. So and what’s interesting, it almost seems kind of a revenge type of a vengeance approach to it. Almost like, “Okay, well things are going bad, I’m not liking how she’s treating me in this relationship. So I’m going to show her, I’m going to go sleep with so and so.” And it seems to me, that’s the approach he took. And also you look at the relationship, self admittedly he mentions it was a very toxic relationship, so they’re fighting a lot and there’s lots of fight about anytime cheating gets involved, anytime other, she’s dating another guy now, he feels like he’s being pulled hot and cold. And I feel like one of the big issues is this is the classic case of the on-again, off-again relationship where nothing ever changes. So, it’s like they’re moth to a flame constantly just drawn back to each other, but nothing changes. And I think that’s the issue I see with the on-again, off-again relationship relationships is the fact that, a lot of times when people enter into these situations, when they hit the off again phase, they don’t really set pause or hit pause and do some soul searching and try to understand like, “How can I be better?What can I do so that this doesn’t happen again?” Instead they just jump in very emotionally to the relationship again, nothing has changed and you expect different result. It’s the whole Einstein quote, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. Well, something needs to change. And really this is the most challenging part about the whole situation. It’s the fact that he doesn’t just need to change his approach, but she needs to change her approach as well. But he can be the catalyst for her change. And what I mean by that is, obviously she’s upset about the fact that he cheated on her. But that didn’t stop them from rekindling and getting back together. But I think part of the issue, the reason why they broke up again is because he didn’t change his behavior maybe in the on again phase. And she’s like, this is the same old stuff breaks up with him he’s there hot and cold. Be The Catalyst For

    18 min

  7. 08/28/2020

    My Ex Girlfriend Has The Grass Is Greener Syndrome

    Today, like always, we’re going to be taking a listener question. Now, if you didn’t already know the format of the show is basically we take listener questions, we’ll take like a minute-and-a-half question, and then I just riff and give my thoughts on the situation based on what I’m seeing because I’ve dealt with so many breakups situations from people who want to get their exes back and even for people who want nothing to do with their exes. I give my best piece of advice to the person on how they should approach their situation going forward. Now, the number one question that people tend to ask is what kind of chance do I have of getting my ex girlfriend back? I think probably the better thing to do when you find yourself asking this question is to actually just hop over our website and take a special quiz that I put together that’s designed to answer this question for you. Now, all you have to do if you want to take that quiz is simply just stop everything you’re doing, go to Google or just type in your phone exgirlfriendrecovery.com. Then right there on the homepage, there’ll be a little ad to take this free quiz. The free quiz basically will give you an idea of where you stand with your ex so you’re not wasting your time, because believe me when I say there’s nothing worse than wasting your time in a situation where you really don’t have a great shot. Okay, with all of the precursor-type stuff out of the way, let’s actually talk about what we’re going to be talking about today. What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Girlfriend Back? Take the quiz What Do You Do If Your Ex Girlfriend Has The Grass Is Greener Syndrome?  What’s up, man? Long story short, since I only have 90 seconds, my girlfriend broke up with me about a month and a half ago. We were dating for two years. She just said that she seems really confused and she doesn’t know what she wants. At first, I thought there was another guy in the picture or another guy that she possibly started to like, but I know for a fact there’s not now. It’s funny because her behavior on social media, just you can tell that she’s confused. Even my friends are like, “What’s she doing?” She’s just posting a bunch of stories on her Instagram, which she never really has done before. I actually saw her a few nights ago and she came over and she gave me a big hug and was flirting with me. She just said she feels really weird, but even when she came over, it seemed like we weren’t even broken up. We still acted like a couple. I’ve been going no contact and it seems like every four or five days she’ll reach out to me and tell me she misses me and all that. Yeah, I’m just, I guess, just trying to give her her time and space and hopefully she figures out what she wants soon, but yeah, it’s just a confusing situation. If you have any input, that’d be great. Okay, let’s take it from the top. The first thing I like to do typically when people leave questions is to just summarize them so we’re both working from the same page. I was actually trying to pick a question, and for those of you who want to be featured on the podcast, my best piece of advice to you is to be clear and concise like this message. This message from Anonymous, you’ll notice he wasn’t all over the place. He spoke very clearly, he had a very good connection, and his question was something that I feel like a lot of people struggle with. Let’s summarize his situation. Him and his girlfriend broke up about one and a half months ago, so it’s been about 45 days since they broke up, after dating for two years. Now, the reasoning she gave for the breakup was pretty standard. She broke up with him saying that she’s confused and she doesn’t know what she wants. I have some thoughts on that, but I’ll save that for later. At first, he was worried there might be some other guy, but after some time he realized, no, there’s not some other guy. His ex-girlfriend seems to be acting very odd on social media, posting things that she typically didn’t post when they were together. He also said he’s trying the no-contact rule, but he’s also seeing every few days she’ll reach out to him. A few nights ago he actually saw her in person, she came over and said she feels really weird. They’re still acting like a couple and he’s just confused about the whole situation to begin with, and he wants my thoughts. Here are my thoughts, Mr. Anonymous. First things first, let’s go back to the start and talk about this breakup. Does His Ex Girlfriend Have GIGS? Typically, what I tell my clients is that when a girl breaks up with you, she’s not going to often tell you the real reason she broke up with you because she’s worried it will hurt your ego or hurt your feelings. On some level, even if there is a lot of anger and maybe even hatred, they don’t want to hurt you deeply. I find women are especially sensitive to a men’s feelings. When she says she’s confused and when she says she doesn’t know what she wants, that is technically a lie. The fact is, she does know what she wants, she just thinks it isn’t you. I’m also getting vibes here of the grass is greener syndrome. If you don’t already know, the grass is greener syndrome is this very common thing that people go through when they’re with someone for enough time to feel like they peeled back all the layers and understand everything they need to know about the relationship and what’s in the relationship and so on and so forth. I noticed you said that you’re dating her for two years, and then this breakup occurs where she says she’s confused and she doesn’t know what she wants, which is basically an admission that, “Hey, I don’t want this. I want something else.” You also are immediately worried that there may be some other guy, so instinctively you kind of understand she’s looking for other people, thereby she has a bit of the grass is greener syndrome. Typically, there’s one of two reactions that will occur when you have the grass is greener syndrome. Number one is you essentially learn the grass is greener on the other side. Now, what do I mean by that? Well, what I mean by that is let’s say you had, Anonymous, broken up with her, and the whole reason is you think you can do better than her. You go out, you go on a few dates, and you realize you can do better than her. You find someone else who’s better than your ex. That’s outcome number one. Outcome number two is the grass is greener syndrome and the grass isn’t greener on the other side. I actually tend to think this is the more common thing that happens, and it’s interesting if you look into the psychology behind why it happens. Especially in long term relationships, and granted, dating for two years can be a pretty long time I think, especially with our attention spans now. With the millennials going into the dating age so much, we have been almost structured in a way where we expect instant results in our lives. Oftentimes, the number one thing that always pops into my mind or the number one anecdote is my dad, when he used to go on trips, he would literally have the map out. He’d mapped the trip out on the map with the roads and everything. Now, if you asked me to do that, guess what’s going to happen? I’m going to get lost because I don’t know how to do that. I’ve been trained by my phone to use GPS. You get instant, quick results. This is really great because people often pay for convenience, right? We pay to have things delivered quicker to us, but it’s not very good or it doesn’t have really any applications to relationships. What I mean by that is oftentimes our quick results mentality can come into relationships where you expect everything to happen really quickly. When dating for two years, while that doesn’t seem like enough, your ex-girlfriend may feel like she knows everything there is to know about the relationship, everything that it has to offer, and it gets boring to her. Therefore, she goes and starts dating someone new or starts looking for someone new. But a really funny thing happens. Why Letting Her Date Others Might Work In Your Favor They do say absence makes the heart grow fonder, and that has been my experience as well. You can even see the recent … I was reading some really interesting articles over the weekend on the psychology of playing hard to get and why it works and how it still works even in today’s day and age. What’s really interesting is when your ex-girlfriend breaks up with you, assuming you had a good body of work in the relationship to draw from, assuming there was lots of good memories, assuming you were a great boyfriend and all of that stuff, the longer she spends away from you and starts experiencing going on dates with other people, she doesn’t have to sleep with someone, she doesn’t have to even go get a new boyfriend, just simply going on dates with other people, she will begin to romanticize the past. This is where that grass is greener syndrome comes into play, where she realizes, “Hey, maybe I had it better than I thought.” What’s really interesting is I can’t help but notice that your specific ex-girlfriend, she’s coming over and acting like you’re still dating. This to me indicates that she does have a bit of this grass is greener syndrome, where she’s gone out maybe to experience life and it’s not going as well as she thought. Now, you can also take the devil’s advocate side of that and come into it from a perspective of, oh my goodness, she is settling. She’s going back into old routines because she’s scared of going out there and she wants to go to someplace s

    18 min

  8. 08/14/2020

    My Ex Broke Up With Me For Flirting With Another Woman

    Today we’re going to be doing something a little bit unique. You see, most of the times when I start these podcast episodes I have a really clear idea of what I’m going to say whenever I take a voicemail from a listener. But today I listened to this voicemail from Brian, I believe his name was, and I came up blank on exactly what he should do. And I thought this is a perfect opportunity for not only me to challenge myself but for you to maybe get an insight into how my brain works and how your brain should be working if you’re going through a breakup. What makes Brian’s situation unique? Well, essentially he’s not only trying to get his ex-girlfriend back, he’s trying to get his Fiancé back. His Fiancé essentially left him, moved out of the state and blocked him. What is he going to do? Well, that’s what we’re going to try to organically come to a conclusion about today. But first things first, the number one question that I’m always getting on my websites and on my YouTube channel and even on this podcast is, “Chris, what kind of chance do I have of getting my ex-girlfriend back? Should I be trying to get my ex-girlfriend back or should I be trying to move on?” What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Girlfriend Back? Take the quiz Why Did His Ex Fiancé Break Up With Him For Flirting? Hi Chris, my name is Brian. I’m a follower of your channel and I just had a quick question for you about my breakup. Me and my ex-fiancée have been together four years and we broke up two months ago because she found out that I had been talking to an old girlfriend online, an emotional affair type of thing. Never met up with her, never done anything with her outside, just had a short little conversation with her. She got mad, she moved out of our home, left the state that we lived in to go live with her sister, changed her phone number and blocked me on all platforms of communication. We’ve been at no contact for two months since this happened. I was wondering what the chances were of trying to rekindle this. I have to say that without a doubt Brian is in one of the most difficult situations that you can imagine. You see, one thing I always tell people is they need to get comfortable with this idea of no, embracing the no, embracing rejection, because ultimately rejection is where you learn but it also opens up some type of communication with an ex. If you reach out to them and they’re angry at you for example, that’s a lot better than you reaching out to them and they block you completely. Let’s get an accounting of Brian’s situation. Brian basically is trying to get his ex-fiancée back and she broke up with him because she caught him flirting with his ex. Now, the flirting with his ex maybe, he says there was nothing physical there so it seems like it’s more emotional support than anything. He says that he just had a short little conversation with his ex-girlfriend, but obviously this made his ex-fiancée mad. She moved out of state with her sister and blocked him. Now, I don’t know the extent of the block fully but we’ll get to that later. And essentially he’s wondering what are the chances to try to rekindle this? Let’s Talk About His Ex Blocking Him First Okay, there’s a lot to go on here, there’s a lot to unfold. And I think I’d like to first start with the blocking bit, because ultimately what you need to understand from what we’ve learned about when exes block you, it is almost always an emotional response to the breakup, that seems to be what happens here. Most of the times, I would say probably above 80% of the time, when you actually go through a situation where you’ve been blocked, guess what’s going to happen? Your ex will unblock you at some point. They’ll just get curious to see what you’re up to, they’ll just not be able to help themselves and they will unblock you. But I will say that there is also a percentage of exes who are, or subscribe to that theory of one and done, like, “Hey, this is it. You had your one chance and that will be it for everything,” and they won’t unblock you. Time’s going to have to tell to see which of the situations Brian has found himself in. Personally speaking I like to believe in statistics and the statistics do say that Brian’s ex will unblock him in any way, shape or form in the future or in some way shape or from, excuse me, in the future. It’s just a matter of being patient and waiting. Yet, what do we mean by wait? I mean, what happens if she has him blocked for a year? What does he do then? Well, it’s a good question. That’s where I’d like to maybe talk about the differences between a hard block and a soft block. A hard block is where your ex girlfriend maybe blocked you in every way you can potentially communicate with her. And a soft block is where she blocks you in most ways in which you can communicate with her, but there are a few still open like Instagram DMs, or Facebook messages, things of that nature where you can still maybe have some type of a reach out. He didn’t really specify what that is but my first advice to him would be figure out where you are, are you in a hard block, are you in a soft block? Because if you’re heard a soft block, don’t worry so much about her unblocking you because guess what? She will probably be responsive towards you if you try to reach out to her in one of those methods of communication that she has still left open. But that’s not really solving the deeper issue here because the deeper issue here has to do with cheating, and that’s the truth. The Differences Between How Men And Women Cheat Your ex-fiancée broke up with you for flirting with another woman and that is the truth. How do you handle that? Well, I think what we need to first do is educate Brian on the differences with cheating between men and women. There’s a lot of statistics out there that basically say, “Men cheat more than women,” but I’m here to tell you that it’s BS, women cheat just as much as men. In fact, it’s probably equal and I think you can even make the case that sometimes women will cheat more than men, but I would probably not put my name to that so I’m going to say it’s probably equal, as all things should be. But what’s the not equal are the reasons that men cheat and women cheat. Now, this is where the story gets interesting because the differences between why men cheat and why women cheat and the frame of mind they’re in are so staggering, it is shocking to me that not more people are talking about it. Okay. What do I mean by that? Well, let’s take a look at cheating from your ex girlfriend or ex-fiancée’s point of view, Brian. One thing that we do know about how men and women cheat or the reasons they cheat is that men will often cheat and can still be deeply in love with their partner. That sounds really interesting, doesn’t it? Something that probably you wouldn’t expect? I mean, why would you cheat on someone if you’re still in love with your partner? Well, it’s because biologically human beings are produced to spread their seed. I’m not a biologist but I think that’s pretty standard in the animal kingdom, survive and replicate. Those are our two functions in life and human beings are programmed to cheat. Now what makes us interesting as people is we also understand instinctually that if we bond we tend to live longer in life plus we also get more or sex, that’s also true. But we are programmed and men can sometimes fall victim to that programming. Now, I don’t want to chalk it up to biological programming at all, but the point I’m making is men are more capable of cheating while still being vastly in love with their significant other. Women are not. Now, this is where the big difference occurs. Women who cheat, they will usually only cheat, and remember, there’s always exceptions to the rules, but women who cheat will only usually cheat if she’s checked out of the relationship and doesn’t want to be in it anymore. One thing we also do know about people in commitment is times women will have a really hard time of getting out of a long commitment with a significant other if they have a lot invested into that relationship, so the interdependence theory is something that I’ve been positing or talking about for years. The interdependence theory basically posits that human beings basically make relationship decision on a cost and benefit scenario. Essentially they’re always making these little pros and cons lists but the criteria in which they make those pros and cons, there’s basically three big ones, satisfaction, alternatives, and investment. But what’s really fascinating when you look at those three factors is that even if you’re satisfied in a relationship and even if you feel that you have a better alternative in that relationship, you’ll still stay in the same relationship if you feel like you’ve invested too much. And that is a reason why I think women cheat. They feel they’ve invested too much in the relationship to just let it go but they’re emotionally checked out so they’re no longer usually in love with you. And I bring up this explanation, Brian, for one specific reason, because you and her have been operating on different wavelengths. To you this conversation you had with your ex-girlfriend was just more emotional support. It was a short little conversation with her, you didn’t meet up with her, nothing physical happened. To you, cheating is looked at in a different lens than your ex-fiancée. Your ex-fiancée is only looking at things from her perspective and her perspective and in her mind, she wouldn’t give a guy the t

    19 min
See All (16)

Ratings & Reviews

4.8
out of 5
14 Ratings

About

Getting Your Ex Back

Information

  • Creator
    Chris Seiter: Self Help, Relationships, Dating And Sexuality
  • Years Active
    2020 - 2021
  • Episodes
    16
  • Rating
    Explicit
  • Copyright
    © CF Web Voyager, LLC
  • Show Website
    The Ex Girlfriend Recovery Podcast