Emotional Sobriety: The Next Step in Recovery

Allen Berger & Thom Rutledge
  • 4.3 (63)
  • Mental Health
  • Updated Weekly

Bill Wilson, co-founder of Alcoholic's Anonymous, wrote in 1952, "If we examine every disturbance we have, great or small, we will find at the root some unhealthy dependence and its consequent demand." Wilson suggested that if we could identify and continually surrender these unrealistic and unrecognizable demands, that we may then be able to accomplish what he imagined to be recovery's next frontier - something he called emotional sobriety.   Flash forward 70 years, and join psychotherapists and best-selling authors Thom Rutledge and Dr. Allen Berger, who have taken up the mantle of exploring Bill Wilson's new frontier. Welcome to Emotional Sobriety.

  1. 5d ago

    Responsibility Over Blame

    Thom’s Nutshell: Serious condition: I’ll be okay as soon as that thing that happened to me didn’t happen to me. There’s a difference between blame and responsibility. Blame comes from “low differentiation,” or a low level of emotional maturity. It’s a sign of where we’re stuck in our development-fused with our environments. Taking responsibility, conversely, empowers us. It gives us more possibilities, brings in enthusiasm and zeal. We’re working towards self-support, where we act for ourselves without being selfish, and acting for others without losing ourselves. Our music is provided by the great southern artist Jefferson Ross. Learn more about Jefferson at jeffersonross.com Visit our website: www.emotionalsobriety.info Learn more about Joe C., Secular AA and Rebellion Dogs here: https://rebelliondogspublishing.com  Follow us on social media: Instagram: thomrutledge2 Joe C. Twitter: @Rebellion_Dogs   Friendly Circle Berlin workshops: https://friendlycircleberlin.org/events   Allen’s book, 12 Essential Insights for Emotional Sobriety: https://www.amazon.com/12-Essential-Insights-Emotional-Sobriety/dp/1955415129/   Join Allen & Thom at our Thursday night, 7pm PST Zoom meeting on Emotional Sobriety and the Steps (login information below):  https://zoom.us/j/330149513 Password: 375986   For our ongoing workshop video series on Emotional Sobriety and the 12 Steps, visit our YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHEM2-kqLkfp3I4c0jy-X-g   Also, please join our “Emotional Sobriety and Recovery” FB Group at the following link: https://www.facebook.com/groups/120450976662519 We’d love to stay in touch in between meetings.   We appreciate feedback! Contact Patrick, our producer, at pndirective4@gmail.com for any questions or comments. Chapters (00:00:07) - Introduction and Recovery 2.0 Retreat with Tommy Rosen(00:02:46) - Yoga, Travel, and Recovery Speaking Life(00:03:58) - Blame vs Responsibility: Defining Emotional Immaturity(00:08:50) - How Blame Turns Us Into Victims(00:10:20) - Walking Through a Disappointment Scenario(00:12:27) - Empowerment Through Responsibility(00:13:49) - Joining Joe: Milestones in Long-Term Sobriety(00:14:33) - Childlike Curiosity vs Duty and Obligation(00:16:58) - Addiction as a Solution That Almost Worked(00:18:00) - Self-Regulation and Mindfulness(00:20:16) - Expressing Feelings Through Music(00:21:10) - New Parenthood and Emotional Sobriety(00:23:04) - Uncharted Territory: Supporting a Struggling Friend(00:26:24) - Living With Human Range, Not Transcending It(00:27:41) - Agency, Responsibility, and Passing Time(00:29:04) - Perpetrator, Victim, Rescuer Triads(00:30:23) - Programming, Privilege, and the Limits of Emotional Work(00:31:54) - Responsibility as Meaning, Not Burden

    Responsibility Over Blame

  2. Sep 10

    “Waking Up Is a Process” with Daniel Fulop-Furlano

    Thom’s Nutshell: "Self-denial results in dependence. Self-acceptance creates independence." Waking up is a process, not an event. A road back to our true lost selves. Daniel Fulop-Furlano joins Allen to talk about his journey towards emotional sobriety, which began with the “Divided Sky” rehab retreat in Ludlow, Vermont. Dan’s book, “Sincerely, Delusional,” is a testament to both the sincerity of his delusion (which we also call “sleepwalking”), and the capacity, beginning with an earnest asking for help, that he’s built brick by brick as a person courageously exposing and addressing his deep set dependencies. Learn more about Dan and purchase his remarkable book: https://www.sincerelydelusional.com Learn more about Divided Sky: https://dividedsky.org Our music is provided by the great southern artist Jefferson Ross. Learn more about Jefferson at jeffersonross.com Visit our website: www.emotionalsobriety.info Learn more about Joe C., Secular AA and Rebellion Dogs here: https://rebelliondogspublishing.com  Follow us on social media: Instagram: thomrutledge2 Joe C. Twitter: @Rebellion_Dogs   Friendly Circle Berlin workshops: https://friendlycircleberlin.org/events   Allen’s book, 12 Essential Insights for Emotional Sobriety: https://www.amazon.com/12-Essential-Insights-Emotional-Sobriety/dp/1955415129/   Join Allen & Thom at our Thursday night, 7pm PST Zoom meeting on Emotional Sobriety and the Steps (login information below):  https://zoom.us/j/330149513 Password: 375986   For our ongoing workshop video series on Emotional Sobriety and the 12 Steps, visit our YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHEM2-kqLkfp3I4c0jy-X-g   Also, please join our “Emotional Sobriety and Recovery” FB Group at the following link: https://www.facebook.com/groups/120450976662519 We’d love to stay in touch in between meetings.   We appreciate feedback! Contact Patrick, our producer, at pndirective4@gmail.com for any questions or comments. Chapters (00:00:07) - Introduction and Grateful Dead Sphere Chat(00:01:02) - Setting Up the Conversation on Waking Up(00:02:39) - The Flight to Rehab and Sincere Delusion(00:04:21) - Hitting the Bottom and Limitation(00:06:42) - Arriving at Treatment and Losing Freedom(00:08:49) - Returning a Year Later and Writing the Book(00:12:22) - Discovering Emotional Sobriety Language(00:14:51) - Compassion, Honesty, and Safe Spaces in Treatment(00:18:46) - Deciding to Go to Treatment Despite Resistance(00:21:11) - Sacrifice and Choosing Recovery Over Life Events(00:23:11) - Living Fully After Recovery(00:23:54) - Public Speaking, Nerves, and Practice(00:28:10) - Emotional Sobriety as Maturity and Practice(00:29:37) - Waking Up Back Into the World(00:31:41) - Book's Impact and Reactions from Readers(00:32:50) - Life as an Adventure and Closing Thoughts

    “Waking Up Is a Process” with Daniel Fulop-Furlano

  3. Sep 3

    Learning to Live and Love Differently

    Thom’s Nutshell: "Are you solving the problems you want to solve, or the problems you think you are supposed to solve?" With emotional sobriety comes a commitment to being honest and authentic with each other and especially ourselves in order to live “congruently.” In line with our values, not oppositional to our natures. This necessitates becoming aware of the unreasonable expectations and unenforceable rules so we can disentangle from them. Acceptance of those is the key part of living and loving differently. This doesn’t mean “giving up.” Acceptance is seeing reality clearly enough to respond wisely. Owning our resistance, the paradox of change, is another important key we encounter. Patrick’s living and loving demarcation point was his sobriety date, and returning guest Carol Carter’s was in 1987. In recovery from various forms of addiction (alcohol, codependency), they’re both practicing acceptance and moving towards wholeness. Next week we interview the author Daniel Fulop-Furlano about his new book, “Sincerely, Delusional.” Rest in peace to the Queen of Country Music, Dolly Parton. Our music is provided by the great southern artist Jefferson Ross. Learn more about Jefferson at jeffersonross.com Visit our website: www.emotionalsobriety.info Learn more about Joe C., Secular AA and Rebellion Dogs here: https://rebelliondogspublishing.com  Follow us on social media: Instagram: thomrutledge2 Joe C. Twitter: @Rebellion_Dogs   Friendly Circle Berlin workshops: https://friendlycircleberlin.org/events   Allen’s book, 12 Essential Insights for Emotional Sobriety: https://www.amazon.com/12-Essential-Insights-Emotional-Sobriety/dp/1955415129/   Join Allen & Thom at our Thursday night, 7pm PST Zoom meeting on Emotional Sobriety and the Steps (login information below):  https://zoom.us/j/330149513 Password: 375986   For our ongoing workshop video series on Emotional Sobriety and the 12 Steps, visit our YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHEM2-kqLkfp3I4c0jy-X-g   Also, please join our “Emotional Sobriety and Recovery” FB Group at the following link: https://www.facebook.com/groups/120450976662519 We’d love to stay in touch in between meetings.   We appreciate feedback! Contact Patrick, our producer, at pndirective4@gmail.com for any questions or comments. Chapters (00:00:07) - Emotional Sobriety(00:03:53) - Approval in Recovery: Living and Loving Differently(00:10:03) - Exploring the Role of Acceptance in Recovery(00:13:11) - A Client's Smelling Her Own Sobriety(00:15:21) - Dan Furlough on Dolly Parton's Death(00:20:01) - Alan on Love and Alcohol(00:22:02) - The Importance of Self-Love(00:27:37) - Living With Stuff That Was Lost in the Flood(00:33:04) - How to Clean Your Home After a Trauma(00:36:58) - Adam Levine on Growing Up With Alcohol(00:43:45) - Living and Loving

    Learning to Live and Love Differently

  4. Aug 18

    Living in the Pause

    Thom’s Nutshell: Challenge your low self esteem and surprise yourself (I did). Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which was developed in the 60’s by Aaron Beck, dovetails nicely with some of Bill W.’s ideas. Rooted in observing, not denying, but recognizing “I’m becoming defensive “, “I’m taking this personally,” etc. Thom, Patrick, and Joe C. talk cognition before reaction and living in the pause. Our music is provided by the great southern artist Jefferson Ross. Learn more about Jefferson at jeffersonross.com Visit our website: www.emotionalsobriety.info Learn more about Joe C., Secular AA and Rebellion Dogs here: https://rebelliondogspublishing.com  Follow us on social media: Instagram: thomrutledge2 Joe C. Twitter: @Rebellion_Dogs   Friendly Circle Berlin workshops: https://friendlycircleberlin.org/events   Allen’s book, 12 Essential Insights for Emotional Sobriety: https://www.amazon.com/12-Essential-Insights-Emotional-Sobriety/dp/1955415129/   Join Allen & Thom at our Thursday night, 7pm PST Zoom meeting on Emotional Sobriety and the Steps (login information below):  https://zoom.us/j/330149513 Password: 375986   For our ongoing workshop video series on Emotional Sobriety and the 12 Steps, visit our YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHEM2-kqLkfp3I4c0jy-X-g   Also, please join our “Emotional Sobriety and Recovery” FB Group at the following link: https://www.facebook.com/groups/120450976662519 We’d love to stay in touch in between meetings.   We appreciate feedback! Contact Patrick, our producer, at pndirective4@gmail.com for any questions or comments. Chapters (00:00:07) - The Next Step in Recovery: Challenge Your Low Self-Este(00:07:02) - The Problem With Talking To Clients(00:10:42) - Can You Read People's Minds?(00:16:12) - Physical and Emotional Sobriety(00:20:59) - On Relationships and Getting Out Of Them(00:21:59) - Don't Have to Be Understanded

    Living in the Pause

  5. Aug 3

    Responsibility “To” Others, Not “For” Them

    Thom’s Nutshell: Don’t make the mistake of thinking you have no impact in this world of ours. You do. Whether from a pebble or a giant rock, we’re all leaving ripples in the pond. Allen, Thom, and Patrick discuss the illusion of separateness permeating our human bonds. Emotional sobriety can resolve the crises caused by looking towards other people to validate our existence when we don’t think we matter. Being responsible to others is accepting responsibility to ourselves. Thom and Allen discuss amends and earning our own respect. Rest in peace Glen Hansard. Our music is provided by the great southern artist Jefferson Ross. Learn more about Jefferson at jeffersonross.com Visit our website: www.emotionalsobriety.info Learn more about Joe C., Secular AA and Rebellion Dogs here: https://rebelliondogspublishing.com  Follow us on social media: Instagram: thomrutledge2 Joe C. Twitter: @Rebellion_Dogs   Friendly Circle Berlin workshops: https://friendlycircleberlin.org/events   Allen’s book, 12 Essential Insights for Emotional Sobriety: https://www.amazon.com/12-Essential-Insights-Emotional-Sobriety/dp/1955415129/   Join Allen & Thom at our Thursday night, 7pm PST Zoom meeting on Emotional Sobriety and the Steps (login information below):  https://zoom.us/j/330149513 Password: 375986   For our ongoing workshop video series on Emotional Sobriety and the 12 Steps, visit our YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHEM2-kqLkfp3I4c0jy-X-g   Also, please join our “Emotional Sobriety and Recovery” FB Group at the following link: https://www.facebook.com/groups/120450976662519 We’d love to stay in touch in between meetings.   We appreciate feedback! Contact Patrick, our producer, at pndirective4@gmail.com for any questions or comments. Chapters (00:00:00) - Emotional Sobriety: Next Step in Recovery(00:01:36) - You Deserve to Matter(00:07:52) - The Importance of Reality(00:10:02) - Codependents: The Joy of Living(00:17:35) - "I Made My Amends To My Mom"(00:18:29) - Tom Brady on Responsibility

    Responsibility “To” Others, Not “For” Them

  6. Jul 28

    Can We Be Actively Indifferent?

    Thom’s Nutshell: The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless. Seeking truth through withholding judgment. What makes it difficult to keep our mouths shut. The Odyssey, grades in school, “won’t” drink versus “can’t” drink. What is the suffering that breaks us open and makes us susceptible to change? Our music is provided by the great southern artist Jefferson Ross. Learn more about Jefferson at jeffersonross.com Visit our website: www.emotionalsobriety.info Learn more about Joe C., Secular AA and Rebellion Dogs here: https://rebelliondogspublishing.com  Follow us on social media: Instagram: thomrutledge2 Joe C. Twitter: @Rebellion_Dogs   Friendly Circle Berlin workshops: https://friendlycircleberlin.org/events   Allen’s book, 12 Essential Insights for Emotional Sobriety: https://www.amazon.com/12-Essential-Insights-Emotional-Sobriety/dp/1955415129/   Join Allen & Thom at our Thursday night, 7pm PST Zoom meeting on Emotional Sobriety and the Steps (login information below):  https://zoom.us/j/330149513 Password: 375986   For our ongoing workshop video series on Emotional Sobriety and the 12 Steps, visit our YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHEM2-kqLkfp3I4c0jy-X-g   Also, please join our “Emotional Sobriety and Recovery” FB Group at the following link: https://www.facebook.com/groups/120450976662519 We’d love to stay in touch in between meetings.   We appreciate feedback! Contact Patrick, our producer, at pndirective4@gmail.com for any questions or comments. Chapters (00:00:07) - Coming to Alcoholics: The Next Step in Recovery(00:01:03) - Can We Ever Come Home?(00:02:11) - Alcoholics on the Recovery Process(00:06:04) - Tom Rutledge: The Key to Life(00:08:55) - The Value of Listening(00:14:38) - Tom and Alan on Their Most Toxic Relationship(00:17:36) - Non-Judgmental Musings for 12 Step Life(00:23:43) - Know the Meaning of Your Life(00:24:53) - Should We Suspend Our Judgment of Trump?(00:30:29) - Open Minds on the Divorce(00:34:43) - Can I Be Active Azealously?

    Can We Be Actively Indifferent?

  7. Jul 21

    Demands Versus Preferences

    Thom’s Nutshell: If you measure your well being according to how others treat you, you are choosing a life over which you have no control. This is voluntary victimization. Allen brings in his study of a “reflective sense of self” as we discuss the ways our difficulties with emotional sobriety impact those we love. Thom and Joe re-explore stoicism through the lens of emotional dependency. Our fear of life is really a fear of emotions.  Patrick reads a passage from Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay Gibson. Our music is provided by the great southern artist Jefferson Ross. Learn more about Jefferson at jeffersonross.com Visit our website: www.emotionalsobriety.info Learn more about Joe C., Secular AA and Rebellion Dogs here: https://rebelliondogspublishing.com  Follow us on social media: Instagram: thomrutledge2 Joe C. Twitter: @Rebellion_Dogs   Friendly Circle Berlin workshops: https://friendlycircleberlin.org/events   Allen’s book, 12 Essential Insights for Emotional Sobriety: https://www.amazon.com/12-Essential-Insights-Emotional-Sobriety/dp/1955415129/   Join Allen & Thom at our Thursday night, 7pm PST Zoom meeting on Emotional Sobriety and the Steps (login information below):  https://zoom.us/j/330149513 Password: 375986   For our ongoing workshop video series on Emotional Sobriety and the 12 Steps, visit our YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHEM2-kqLkfp3I4c0jy-X-g   Also, please join our “Emotional Sobriety and Recovery” FB Group at the following link: https://www.facebook.com/groups/120450976662519 We’d love to stay in touch in between meetings.   We appreciate feedback! Contact Patrick, our producer, at pndirective4@gmail.com for any questions or comments. Chapters (00:00:07) - Emotional Recovery: The Next Step in Recovery(00:02:33) - This Reflective Sense of Self(00:06:57) - Dr. Matt Ramon on(00:12:13) - The Stochics on Emotions(00:15:30) - How Emotional Inebriation Affects Their Adult Lives(00:21:31) - "Tell Me What You Need"(00:22:05) - How to Realize Your Potential in Emotional Sobriety

    Demands Versus Preferences

  8. Jul 6

    Positive Opportunism & Benevolent Manipulation

    Thom’s Nutshell: Look for the benefit in all situations - practice positive opportunism. In another passage from Joe C.’s Beyond Belief, Allen ties our daily reflection to Emotional Sobriety and the importance of dislodging our false self in pursuit of an emboldened authentic one. Our music is provided by the great southern artist Jefferson Ross. Learn more about Jefferson at jeffersonross.com Visit our website: www.emotionalsobriety.info Learn more about Joe C., Secular AA and Rebellion Dogs here: https://rebelliondogspublishing.com  Follow us on social media: Instagram: thomrutledge2 Joe C. Twitter: @Rebellion_Dogs   Friendly Circle Berlin workshops: https://friendlycircleberlin.org/events   Allen’s book, 12 Essential Insights for Emotional Sobriety: https://www.amazon.com/12-Essential-Insights-Emotional-Sobriety/dp/1955415129/   Join Allen & Thom at our Thursday night, 7pm PST Zoom meeting on Emotional Sobriety and the Steps (login information below):  https://zoom.us/j/330149513 Password: 375986   For our ongoing workshop video series on Emotional Sobriety and the 12 Steps, visit our YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHEM2-kqLkfp3I4c0jy-X-g   Also, please join our “Emotional Sobriety and Recovery” FB Group at the following link: https://www.facebook.com/groups/120450976662519 We’d love to stay in touch in between meetings.   We appreciate feedback! Contact Patrick, our producer, at pndirective4@gmail.com for any questions or comments. Chapters (00:00:07) - Alan Berger on Getting Back to the Future(00:04:06) - The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous(00:08:27) - Don't Say AA '(00:11:41) - Thomas Had Enough of the False Self(00:16:00) - Living With Your Value System(00:21:52) - In the Simpsons Episode 8,(00:24:57) - Happy Hour: Positive Opportunism and Emotional Sobriety(00:26:24) - How to Control Your Thoughts(00:30:34) - Positive Opportunism in Life(00:34:09) - Alan on Bad Mouth and AA

    Positive Opportunism & Benevolent Manipulation
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About

Bill Wilson, co-founder of Alcoholic's Anonymous, wrote in 1952, "If we examine every disturbance we have, great or small, we will find at the root some unhealthy dependence and its consequent demand." Wilson suggested that if we could identify and continually surrender these unrealistic and unrecognizable demands, that we may then be able to accomplish what he imagined to be recovery's next frontier - something he called emotional sobriety.   Flash forward 70 years, and join psychotherapists and best-selling authors Thom Rutledge and Dr. Allen Berger, who have taken up the mantle of exploring Bill Wilson's new frontier. Welcome to Emotional Sobriety.

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