Nope! We're Not Monogamous

Ellecia Paine
  • 4.8 (44)
  • SEXUALITY
  • UPDATED BIWEEKLY

Ellecia Paine is a non-monogamy relationship coach who helps people navigate ENM (Enthusiastic non-monogamy), polyamory, open relating, swinging, kink, tantra and life in general. Listen in to the candid conversations that give you a peek into the inner lives of other non-monogamous folks. Hear how they've overcome challenges like jealousy, insecurity, and social scrutiny. And celebrate with them as they share all the reasons it's worth it to have relationships that don't fit in the box. 

  1. Needs vs Wants in Non-Monogamy: There’s No Prize for Needing Less EP.145

    5D AGO

    Needs vs Wants in Non-Monogamy: There’s No Prize for Needing Less EP.145

    Struggling to tell the difference between needs vs wants in non-monogamy? If you’ve learned to be “low maintenance” and tolerate a lot, you might be minimizing your emotional needs without realizing it. In this episode, we explore how trauma, people-pleasing, and polyamory culture can teach us to need less, and why you’re allowed to want more. There’s no prize for needing less. You’re not needy. You’re human.  What You’ll Learn • Why “needs vs wants” is the wrong question to ask • How childhood conditioning and trauma affect your ability to ask for more • The hidden cost of calling yourself “low maintenance” • How this shows up specifically in non-monogamy and polyamory • Better questions to ask your nervous system instead • How to stop disappearing in your relationships • Why your desires deserve space too Send a text Support the show 📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online 🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com 📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/ Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein STIM IPI: 572 393 237

    20 min
  2. The Real Glow-Up: Self-Love, Desire, and Ethical Non-Monogamy with Dr. Joy Berkheimer, EP. 144

    FEB 5

    The Real Glow-Up: Self-Love, Desire, and Ethical Non-Monogamy with Dr. Joy Berkheimer, EP. 144

    Opening a relationship can feel empowering… and activating. A lot of people expect ethical non-monogamy or polyamory to feel freeing right away. Instead, it often brings up jealousy, comparison, attachment wounds, and questions about self-worth. If you’ve ever thought:  “Why am I confident everywhere else but spiraling in my relationship?”  “Why does non-monogamy trigger my insecurities?”  “How do I feel secure and desirable while practicing ENM?” This episode is for you. Relationship coach Ellecia Paine talks with clinical sexologist and therapist Dr. Joy Berkheimer about confidence, desire, body image, attachment, and emotional regulation in ethical non-monogamy. Together they explore how ENM can become a path toward deeper self-trust, sexual empowerment, and real self-love. This conversation blends therapy, lived experience, and practical wisdom for women navigating open relationships, polyamory, and personal growth. 🔥 In this episode, you’ll learn: • How Dr. Joy discovered non-monogamy through swinging and polyamory  • Why swingers spaces can be surprisingly consent-focused and body-positive  • How jealousy and comparison show up in ENM (and what they’re actually pointing to)  • The role of attachment styles and early relationship experiences  • How to explore desire without shame  • Why community and support groups matter in non-monogamy  • What triads/throuples teach us about boundaries and emotional needs  • How self-love and sexual confidence impact relationship security  • What a “glow-up” really means in relationships and personal growth  • Practical ways to build confidence while practicing ethical non-monogamy 👤 About Dr. Joy Berkheimer Dr. Joy Berkheimer is a clinical sexologist, licensed therapist, and relationship coach who helps women reconnect with desire, confidence, and embodied self-trust. Instagram: @glowyourgoddess YouTube: Dear Dr. Joy Website: joyberkheimer.com Send a text FLOW Nitric Oxide BoosterFLOW brings blood where you want it to go — your brain, your heart, and your pleasure zones. Try your first bottle of FLOW FREE — just pay shipping. Experience the results yourself and cancel anytime. We’re confident FLOW will reignite your spark!  Support the show 📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online 🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com 📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/ Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein STIM IPI: 572 393 237

    41 min
  3. Saying Yes to Non-Monogamy with Natalie Davis, EP. 143

    JAN 29

    Saying Yes to Non-Monogamy with Natalie Davis, EP. 143

    What if non-monogamy wasn’t something you planned… but something you found your way into? In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, I’m joined by Natalie Davis, editor of Polyamory Today and author of the memoir Saying Yes: My Adventures in Non-monogamy. Natalie shares her deeply human journey from a traditional, long-term monogamous marriage through infidelity, swinging, and polyamory, and how that path eventually led to building a chosen family that includes her partner and her metamour, all living together under one roof. This conversation is honest, nuanced, and especially validating if you didn’t start non-monogamy feeling confident, enlightened, or “built for this.” We talk about how safety is created over time, why early rules aren’t a failure, and what actually helps relationships evolve without burning everything down. In This Episode, We Explore: How Natalie moved from monogamy to swinging to polyamoryWhy boundaries and rules at the beginning of non-monogamy are about nervous system safetyLetting go of control as trust and security growWhat it really takes to live with a metamour (and why compatibility matters beyond love)Navigating age-gap relationships with intention and consentHow infidelity can become a turning point rather than the end of a relationshipWhy non-monogamy isn’t about having less commitment, but more honestyHow chosen family can expand your life in unexpected waysWhere to Find Natalie Website: https://nataliedavisadventures.com/Threads: https://www.threads.com/@nataliedavisadventuresBook: Saying Yes: My Adventures in Non-monogamy (available wherever books are sold)Send a text FLOW Nitric Oxide BoosterFLOW brings blood where you want it to go — your brain, your heart, and your pleasure zones. Try your first bottle of FLOW FREE — just pay shipping. Experience the results yourself and cancel anytime. We’re confident FLOW will reignite your spark!  Support the show 📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online 🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com 📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/ Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein STIM IPI: 572 393 237

    48 min
  4. Jealousy Is Shame in Disguise (And That Changes Everything) Ep. 142

    JAN 22

    Jealousy Is Shame in Disguise (And That Changes Everything) Ep. 142

    Jealousy isn’t a flaw. It’s not a failure. And it’s almost never about your partner. In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, Ellecia unpacks a powerful realization sparked by reading Financial Feminist: the way we experience jealousy is strikingly similar to the way we experience money shame. Both are rooted in scarcity. Both are tied to safety, worth, and fear of loss. And both get way more painful when we shame ourselves for feeling them. In this episode, you’ll learn: Why jealousy is often rooted in shame, not insecurity or immaturityHow scarcity brain shows up in relationships, especially non-monogamous onesWhy non-monogamy doesn’t create jealousy, it reveals where safety was never taughtThe difference between trying to “fix” jealousy and actually listening to itHow to stop abandoning yourself when jealousy hitsA gentle somatic practice to bring your nervous system back online in the momentEllecia also shares why she’s been diving deeper into financial education, and how living outside the box, in relationships, careers, and family structures, requires us to build security intentionally instead of relying on default scripts. If you’ve ever thought, “Why am I like this?” when jealousy shows up, this episode offers a compassionate reframe that might change everything. Send us a text Support the show 📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online 🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com 📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/ Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein STIM IPI: 572 393 237

    12 min
  5. When Honesty Isn’t Enough: The Missing Piece of Emotional Safety in Open Relationships, EP. 141

    JAN 15

    When Honesty Isn’t Enough: The Missing Piece of Emotional Safety in Open Relationships, EP. 141

    We talk a lot about honesty in open relationships and non-monogamy. Tell the truth. Name the jealousy. Share your feelings. But what happens when you open up and your partner tries to fix it, explain it away, or tells you you shouldn’t feel that way? In this episode, Ellecia Paine breaks down why honesty alone doesn’t create emotional safety, how emotional invalidation quietly shuts people down in non-monogamous relationships, and what real validation actually looks like. We explore jealousy, insecurity, nervous system safety, and why being corrected instead of received makes it harder to open up over time. If you’ve ever felt shut down after sharing your feelings, or noticed yourself fixing instead of listening, this episode is for you. 💜 Want support navigating non-monogamy with more safety and clarity?  Book a Clarity Chat using the link below. Send us a text Support the show 📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online 🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com 📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/ Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein STIM IPI: 572 393 237

    12 min
  6. Before You Open: The 5 Signs Your Relationship Isn’t Ready Yet, EP. 140

    JAN 8

    Before You Open: The 5 Signs Your Relationship Isn’t Ready Yet, EP. 140

    Opening a relationship can feel exciting and urgent, especially once the idea of non-monogamy is on the table. A lot of couples hear advice like “date separately” and assume that’s the next step they’re supposed to take. In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, I slow that moment way down. Dating separately can be incredibly powerful, but only when your relationship has the foundation to support it. When there’s unresolved hurt, shaky communication, nervous system overwhelm, or fear being managed through control, opening up tends to magnify those issues instead of solving them. I walk you through five signs it might be worth pausing before opening, not because you’re doing anything wrong, but because building capacity first can save a lot of pain later. This episode is about honesty, safety, and learning how to go deep before you go wide. Healthy non-monogamy isn’t built by rushing. It’s built by trust, self-awareness, and emotional skill. 🎧 This episode pairs with Episode 138, Dating Separately: The Secret to Actually Surviving Polyamory as a Couple. If you want support building a solid foundation before opening, you can learn more about my one-on-one coaching program, Breaking Free From Monogamy. And if this episode resonated, please subscribe, rate, or leave a review. It helps more people find the show and tells me this work is landing. Send a text Support the show 📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online 🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com 📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/ Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein STIM IPI: 572 393 237

    15 min
  7. How to Talk to a Partner Who Insists on OPP, Forced Triads, or “We Only Date Together” EP. 139

    12/25/2025

    How to Talk to a Partner Who Insists on OPP, Forced Triads, or “We Only Date Together” EP. 139

    What do you do when your partner says they are open to non monogamy, but only under very specific rules? Only dating women. Only forming a triad. Only dating together as a couple. In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, non monogamous relationship coach Ellecia Paine breaks down what’s really underneath rules like the One Penis Policy and forced triads, and how to talk about them without turning the conversation into a power struggle. This episode is a continuation of Episode 138, where we explored why dating separately is such an important growth tool in polyamory. Episode 139 focuses on the communication skills needed when a partner feels scared of autonomy and uses structure to manage fear. In this episode, you’ll learn: Why OPP and “only triads” are usually rooted in fear and comparisonHow monogamous conditioning shapes control-based relationship rulesHow to talk about autonomy without shaming or self abandoningThe difference between care based boundaries and restrictive rulesHow to stay compassionate while still honoring your own needsThis episode is for anyone navigating ethical non monogamy, polyamory, or opening a relationship and feeling stuck around rules, jealousy, or control. 🎧 Listen now and continue the conversation started in Episode 138. If you want deeper support, learn more about Ellecia’s one-on-one coaching program Breaking Free From Monogamy using the link in the show notes. Send a text Support the show 📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online 🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com 📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/ Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein STIM IPI: 572 393 237

    18 min
  8. Dating Separately: The Secret to Actually Surviving Polyamory as a Couple, EP. 138

    12/18/2025

    Dating Separately: The Secret to Actually Surviving Polyamory as a Couple, EP. 138

    Dating separately is one of the most misunderstood and emotionally charged topics in non-monogamy. For many couples, the idea of a partner dating someone without them involved brings up fear, jealousy, panic, and a deep sense of threat. So it makes sense that a lot of people try to avoid that discomfort by insisting on dating together, only pursuing triads, or creating rules that keep everything tightly controlled. In this episode, I break down why dating separately is about building autonomy, emotional maturity, and real trust rather than abandoning your partner or weakening your relationship,  You’ll hear why dating together often feels safer at first, how monogamous conditioning shapes those instincts, and why avoiding separate dating can actually keep couples stuck in fear-based patterns that undermine connection over time. This episode lays the foundation for understanding why autonomy matters in ethical non-monogamy, and why learning to handle discomfort is a necessary part of building sustainable, healthy relationships. If you’ve ever thought “dating separately feels like too much” or “we’ll just do this together so it’s safer,” this conversation is for you. Send a text FLOW Nitric Oxide BoosterFLOW brings blood where you want it to go — your brain, your heart, and your pleasure zones. Try your first bottle of FLOW FREE — just pay shipping. Experience the results yourself and cancel anytime. We’re confident FLOW will reignite your spark!  Support the show 📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online 🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com 📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/ Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein STIM IPI: 572 393 237

    48 min
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4.8
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About

Ellecia Paine is a non-monogamy relationship coach who helps people navigate ENM (Enthusiastic non-monogamy), polyamory, open relating, swinging, kink, tantra and life in general. Listen in to the candid conversations that give you a peek into the inner lives of other non-monogamous folks. Hear how they've overcome challenges like jealousy, insecurity, and social scrutiny. And celebrate with them as they share all the reasons it's worth it to have relationships that don't fit in the box. 

Information

  • Creator
    Ellecia Paine
  • Years Active
    2021 - 2026
  • Episodes
    145
  • Rating
    Explicit
  • Copyright
    © 2026 Nope! We're Not Monogamous
  • Show Website
    Nope! We're Not Monogamous

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