Been There Got Out Podcast

Chris & Lisa
  • 4.5 (26)
  • SELF-IMPROVEMENT
  • UPDATED SEMIWEEKLY

Chris and Lisa of BeenThereGotOut.com both survived toxic marriages with narcissistic partners and the legal and co-parenting nightmares that go hand-in-hand with all of that.If you are struggling in a high-conflict relationship, divorce, custody battle, or co-parenting hell which requires PERSONALIZED attention, let us HOLD YOUR HAND along the way, while providing EXPERT, STRATEGIC guidance based on one's years of success (representing myself in court!), coupled with the other's High Conflict Divorce Coach certification.Our podcast features interviews with lawyers, therapists, co-parenting coordinators, guardians ad litem, and other subject matter experts, as well as other content, all with one goal in mind: Let us teach you how to HELP YOURSELF!

  1. MAY 7

    4 Expert Techniques That Keep You Calm in Family Court

    If you have a court date coming up, a difficult phone call with your ex on the calendar, or you're just sick and tired of going blank exactly when you need to be sharp, this conversation is for you. Lisa sits down with Annie Brook, a body-centered somatic psychologist who has trained therapists for decades and spent time in courtrooms testifying for children. Annie brings something genuinely different to this conversation: not just the why behind the freeze, the anger, and the exhaustion you've been feeling, but practical, body-based tools you can use covertly, right now, even with a judge watching. In this episode, Annie explains: - Why hopelessness after a toxic relationship is neurological, not a character flaw - How your birth experience and earliest attachment moments may have shaped the "blind spots" your ex exploited - The science behind why you freeze when you're attacked in conversation or in court, and how to break it - Four covert grounding techniques you can use during a custody hearing without anyone knowing - The "hula hoop" exercise that rebuilds your sense of personal space and power - What "middle tone" is and why it's the secret to staying credible and relational under pressure - How self-attack thinking is not just emotionally exhausting — it may be affecting your physical health Annie Brook's website: https://www.anniebrook.com #NarcissisticAbuse #NervousSystemHealing #SomaticTherapy #FamilyCourt #HighConflictDivorce #ParentalAlienation #TraumaHealing #CoParenting #CustodyBattle #AnnieBrook #BeenThereGotOut

    43 min

  2. MAY 4

    Your Child Refuses Therapy: What an Art Therapist Says Do Instead

    Finding the right therapist for your child during a high-conflict divorce is one of the most important and misunderstood decisions you'll make. Most parents want immediate results. They want their child to sit down in session one and start processing everything that's been happening at home. But experienced art therapist Ahimsa Luciano has seen this expectation backfire again and again, and she has a more effective approach to share. In this conversation, Ahimsa breaks down what effective therapy for children in high-conflict situations actually looks like, why it takes longer than parents expect, and why that's not a bad thing. She explains how to match your child's personality to a therapeutic style, what to say when the other parent has told your child therapy means something is wrong with them, and exactly why the therapist can't be your source of custody intel, even when you desperately want updates. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE: - Why AI will never replace a human therapist, and what the 7-38-55 communication rule reveals about what's really missing - What makes an experienced intake truly different and why this first step is the most important one - How to give a resistant child space to open up, even when their world feels like it's in chaos - Why it can take months (or longer) before a child talks, and why that's not failure - How to handle a child who's been told therapy means they're damaged - a trauma-informed response that actually works - The truth about "parentification" in high-conflict families and its long-term impact on relationships and boundaries - Why children tell each parent something different and why that doesn't mean anyone is lying - What 'your child is fine with both parents' in an evaluation actually means, and why it's not the betrayal it feels like - Why custody exchanges are a major anxiety trigger for children and the specific harm of using kids as tools at handoffs - Questions to ask when choosing a therapist for your child including how to match personality type to therapeutic style - Why your child's therapy space must be private and what the therapist will and won't share with you ABOUT AHIMSA LUCIANO: Ahimsa Luciano is an art therapist licensed in New York State and the co-founder and co-owner of Pleasantville Wellness Group, a multidisciplinary therapy practice in Pleasantville, NY serving children through adults, couples, and families. She began her career at a domestic violence and sexual assault agency as the children's therapist — an experience that gave her deep roots in working with kids navigating high-conflict separations, divorce, and trauma. Pleasantville Wellness Group offers a broad range of therapeutic modalities including art therapy, play therapy, and individual and group services, and is currently in-network with NYSHIP, United Healthcare, and Oxford for New York State clients. Some therapists in the practice are also licensed in additional states.    https://www.pleasantvillewellnessgroup.com/home #highconflictdivorce #childtherapy #parentalalienation #coparenting #arttherapy #custodybattle #parentification #divorceandkids #traumainformedparenting #beentheregotout #kidsanddivorce #therapyforchildren

    40 min

  3. APR 30

    What to Do the Moment Your Child Discloses Abuse

    If your child just told you something terrible — or if you're afraid they're trying to — this conversation is for you. Lisa sits down with Julia Hochstadt, a licensed clinical social worker specializing in trauma, childhood sexual abuse, sexual assault, and domestic violence. Julia works with adolescents (15+) and adults, including many parents navigating high-conflict custody situations where their children may be in danger. She also testifies as an expert witness in DV and intimate partner violence cases. This interview was recorded during Sexual Assault Awareness Month — but Julia's guidance is something every protective parent needs to hear, no matter what month it is. In this conversation, you'll hear: → The #1 thing Julia urges parents to do immediately when a child discloses abuse — and the exact words to say → Why disclosures can sound unbelievable — and why that doesn't mean they're not true → How years of gaslighting from an abusive partner erode your ability to trust your own instincts (and what to do about it) → The behavioral signs that should prompt a protective parent to lean in — not wait and watch → A practical, age-appropriate framework for building a child's safety plan — including how to plan for different times of day, different scenarios, and changing circumstances → Why Julia compares child safety planning to how the fire department talks about home fire safety — and why you should revisit it every time life transitions happen → What research says about the #1 protective factor for a child whose abuse was not properly addressed by the legal system → How to comfort a terrified child when you have to send them on a court-ordered exchange you know is unsafe Lisa also shares a real situation she encountered that same morning: a mother whose child disclosed the worst kind of abuse, survived two investigations that were not acted upon, and is now being forced into a form of reunification therapy that's making things dramatically worse. Julia's guidance for this mother, and for the many parents in this community who are living this nightmare, is both clinically grounded and deeply human. ABOUT JULIA HOCHSTADT, LCSW Julia is a licensed clinical social worker licensed to practice in New York and New Jersey. She specializes in primary and secondary survivors of childhood sexual abuse, sexual assault, and domestic violence. She does training, education, and outreach nationally, and testifies as an expert witness in DV and IPV cases. She is also available for consultation to individuals and clinicians nationwide. Website: https://therapywithjulia.com #ChildAbuse #ChildSafety #ParentalAlienation #HighConflictDivorce #ProtectiveParent #DomesticViolence #SafetyPlanning #ChildDisclosure #SexualAssaultAwarenessMonth #CustodyBattle #CoParenting #TraumaTherapist #BeenThereGotOut

    43 min

  4. APR 27

    My Ex Is Using the Court System as a Weapon. What Can I Do?

    If you've ever sat in a courtroom waiting for a judge to address what your ex is doing... and walked out with nothing... AGAIN, you already know this truth in your bones: justice delayed is justice denied. Criminal defense attorney, legal analyst, and law professor James Porfido has spent more than 35 years watching the American legal system from every angle: as a prosecutor in the Morris County Prosecutor's Office, as a certified criminal trial attorney, and as a defense attorney for people caught in a system that often seemed designed to work against them. His book, Unequal Justice, is a frank accounting of what he witnessed. In this conversation with Lisa, James brings that rare "both sides of the courtroom" perspective to the world of high-conflict divorce and custody — and what he sees mirrors exactly what our community lives every day. In this episode, you'll learn: - Why family court cases drag on for months and years, and why judges often feel they have no choice - How a toxic ex uses court delays strategically to wear you down, separate you from your children, and drain your finances - What "parental alienation" looks like through the eyes of a criminal attorney who has represented falsely accused parents - How coached child testimony works and what it means for your case - The single most important thing to look for when hiring an attorney (hint: it's not their fees) - Why knowing the "lay of the land" in your local court system is as important as knowing the law - How court staff relationships can quietly determine whether your case moves forward... or stalls - James's framework for what questions to ask when interviewing a potential attorney About James Porfido   James Porfido is a New Jersey-based attorney with over 35 years of experience as both a prosecutor and criminal defense attorney. He is a Certified Criminal Trial Attorney, certified by the Supreme Court of New Jersey. He is currently of counsel at a 65-attorney New Jersey firm, an adjunct law professor teaching advocacy and persuasion at Seattle Law School, and a legal analyst who has provided commentary on high-profile cases including OJ Simpson, the Menendez brothers, and Scott Peterson. His book, Unequal Justice, is available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble. #HighConflictDivorce #FamilyCourt #ParentalAlienation #JusticeDelayed #CustodyBattle #FalseAllegations #DomesticViolence #CoerciveControl #BeenThereGotOut #UnequalJustice

    39 min

  5. APR 20

    My Kid Returns from My Ex's Furious - Here's Why & What To Do

    You pick your child up from their other parent's, and within minutes, the screaming starts. Maybe they're throwing things. Maybe they're kicking you. Maybe they're saying things you never imagined hearing from your own kid's mouth - things that sound frighteningly like your ex. You're doing everything you can think of. Talking. Reasoning. Setting consequences. Nothing works. And you're starting to wonder if your child is broken... or if you are. You're not. And neither is your child. In this episode, we welcome back Tosha Schore, founder of Parenting Boys Peacefully and co-author of the book "Listen: 5 Simple Tools to Meet Your Everyday Parenting Challenges." Tosha has been a trusted voice in the BTGO community for years, and this conversation may be the most important thing she's shared with us. Here's what she wants you to understand: when your child comes home from the other household and erupts, that behavior is almost never about you. Their limbic system, the emotional brain, has been flooded by stress, fear, and unpredictability. Their prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for reasoning, self-regulation, and respect, is offline. You can't talk them out of it. You can't punish them out of it. And time-outs make it worse. What you can do - what actually works - is exactly what Tosha walks us through in this conversation. In this episode, you'll learn: → Why children in high-conflict divorce situations are wired for aggression, and why it's a fear response, not a character flaw → The one thing you should do first when your child is escalating (hint: it's not talking) → Why consequences and time-outs create the exact opposite of what you need in these moments → The stay-listening technique and why staying quiet and present is the most powerful tool you have → What to say (and what NOT to say) when your child is in a rage spiral → The note-under-the-door strategy that has helped hundreds of parents reconnect with an escalating child → The surprising reason why your child's laughter after hurting you doesn't mean they don't care → How to use "special time" to rebuild connection — and why it creates a window into your child's inner world when nothing else will → The difference between a stress-driven outburst and a chronic pattern that needs more support → Why the fastest way to earn respect from your dysregulated child is to stop demanding it in that moment Tosha also shares what she calls "good enough parenting shape," and why what you need most before your child gets home is to take care of yourself first, so you can show up fully for them. If your child seems to become a different person after exchanges - angrier, crueler, more out of control - you need to hear this conversation. And if you've ever felt your ex's voice coming out of your child's mouth while they're screaming at you, that's not your imagination. Tosha has words for that too.

    32 min

  6. APR 16

    How to Stop Being Terrified of Family Court with Dr. Ben Garber

    🎯 "I don't know what to expect — and that terrifies me." If that's where you are right now, this conversation was made for you. Dr. Benjamin Garber is a New Hampshire-licensed psychologist, former therapist of 30 years, custody evaluator, and legal consultant who has spent two years building one of the most practical resources available to family court litigants: DiffuseDivorce.com, a free library of advance orientation programs to prepare you for every stage of the family court process. His central insight? The fear, overwhelm, and anxiety that fills your world when you step into family court isn't just painful — it is actively working against you. When your "anxiety balloon" is full, you can't think flexibly, communicate clearly, or show a judge and evaluator who you really are. The research-backed solution is called advance orientation: giving yourself a roadmap before you engage with a process, so you can show up as yourself instead of a terrified version of yourself. This concept, proven in medicine, dentistry, psychiatry, and now being applied to family law, is the foundation of everything Lisa and Chris teach at Been There Got Out. And in this conversation, Ben explains exactly why it works and where to get it for free. 💡 WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE: ✅ What "advance orientation" is and why it's backed by 55+ years of research across medicine, dentistry, and psychiatry ✅ Why your anxiety is actually hurting your custody case — and the science behind why ✅ How judges and evaluators are watching for "ecological validity" — are they seeing the real you? ✅ The single biggest misconception parents have about family court (and why it destroys cases) ✅ Why diagnosis (narcissism, bipolar, etc.) matters far less than dynamic in custody cases ✅ What Ben published that made his colleagues so angry they tried to submit a mass rebuttal ✅ Why family law doesn't belong in our court system — and what Ben thinks should replace it ✅ The 3 C's of successful co-parenting: Communication, Consistency, and Cooperation ✅ Why it's more important to fight for your kids than to fight with them ✅ Where to find free advance orientation programs for every stage of your case 📘 DiffuseDivorce.com — Free advance orientation programs for family court litigants 📘 FamilyLawConsulting.org — Ben's publications, consulting services, and book 📖 Holding Tight, Letting Go — Ben's book on child development and autonomy 📖 Twisted Allies — Ben's novel about family law work #FamilyCourtHelp #HighConflictDivorce #CustodyBattle #AdvanceOrientation #CustodyEvaluation #ParentalAlienation #CoParenting #DivorceSupport #NarcissisticAbuse #BeenThereGotOut

    50 min

  7. APR 13

    How to Stay Calm During Custody Exchanges with Dr. Andrea DePetris

    If seeing your ex, even from across a parking lot, sends your body into overdrive, you're not overreacting. You're experiencing a trauma response. And it has a name. In this episode, Lisa sits down with Dr. Andrea DePetris, a clinical psychologist at Yale School of Medicine and private practice therapist, for a conversation that will genuinely change how you understand yourself in these moments. We start with something that gets thrown around a lot - the word "trigger" - and Dr. DePetris explains precisely what it means in a trauma context: a stimulus that activates your trauma memory network and makes your brain and body feel like the danger is happening right now. Not overreaction. Biology. From there, we dig into the window of tolerance, a concept developed by psychiatrist Dan Siegel that describes the range in which we can think clearly, connect with our kids, and respond (rather than react) to what's in front of us. Trauma narrows that window. Chronic high-conflict divorce narrows it even further. And when something pushes us outside that window, our nervous system responds in one of two ways: it speeds everything up (hyperarousal: fast talking, heat in the body, urgency, needing to win), or it slows everything down (hypoarousal: going quiet, shrinking, emotional flatness, checking out). Both responses make complete sense. Both were designed to protect you. And both can absolutely get in the way of the parent you want to be in that moment.he good news (and Dr. DePetris is practical and clear about this) is that these patterns are learnable and changeable. In this conversation, she walks you through exactly what to do in the moment and how to build the self-regulation muscle when you're not activated, so it's available to you when you are. What you'll take away from this episode: → The clinical definition of a trigger — and why trigger warnings may not work the way we think → How to recognize whether you tend toward hyperarousal or hypoarousal when you encounter your ex → The single best thing to do in any activation moment (spoiler: it's a pause — but Dr. DePetris shows you exactly what that looks like for each response type) → A breathing technique you can practice with your children right now: breathe in like you're smelling flowers, exhale long like you're blowing out birthday candles → The '5 neutral things' grounding exercise and why naming them moves you from feeling to observation → Why stepping away isn't avoiding — it's modeling self-regulation for your kids → How to repair with your children after a hard moment, and why kids don't need perfect parents — they need present ones Dr. Andrea DePetris is a clinical psychologist at Yale School of Medicine and works with adults in private practice. She specializes in helping people understand the internal patterns — shaped by early life and relationship history — that drive how they feel and respond, and supports them in updating those patterns to feel more integrated and at peace. #CoParenting #HighConflictDivorce #WindowOfTolerance #Triggers #EmotionalRegulation #NarcissisticEx #CustodyExchange #TraumaResponse #HighConflictCoParenting #ParentalAlienation #DivorceRecovery #ToxicEx #GroundingTechniques #MentalHealth #BeenThereGotOut

    28 min

  8. APR 10

    SB 1192: How California Is Fighting Post-Separation Legal Abuse

    If your ex keeps dragging you back to court - filing motion after motion just to control, harass, and drain you, you already know how the legal system can become the abuser's most powerful weapon. What you might not know is that California is on the verge of changing that. In this episode, Lisa sits down with Monique, one of BTGO's own success stories. After years of navigating the family court system herself, Monique went to law school and founded the Women's Healing Resource Clinic SoCal, a grassroots domestic violence advocacy organization. And she's here to break down a bill that has us genuinely excited: California Senate Bill 1192, known as the RECLAIM Act. This legislation is designed specifically to address post-separation abuse through vexatious litigation — the pattern of filing frivolous court motions not because the filer expects to win, but because being in court means being close to you. It means draining your money, disrupting your work, and reminding you who still holds power over your life. Here's what SB 1192 would actually do, in plain language: - The three-part framework of SB 1192: how to qualify as a victim of litigation abuse, what the affidavit process looks like, and what protections kick in once you do. - Who can write your affidavit: certified domestic violence advocates with 40 hours of DV training under California Evidence Code 1037.1, as well as mental health professionals who know your case. - What "frivolous litigation" actually means under the law, and why the bill's updated language (removing the word "abusive" and leaving just "frivolous") may actually make it easier for survivors to qualify. - The most stunning piece: if approved, all future court filing fees could be waived, and you may be entitled to legal representation at no charge. - How to support the bill right now, including how to contact Senator Rubio's office, how to share your survivor story in a way that makes the most impact, and what Lisa learned from giving live testimony for Connecticut's Jennifer's Law. - What the national coercive control law landscape looks like, from California to Connecticut to Utah to the UK, and how to push for similar legislation in your own state. - The role of domestic violence resource centers in your area (and why so many survivors never think to call them). PLUS: Monique shares her incredible personal journey — from being a client of Lisa and Chris's coaching practice, to representing just 2% of Latina women who go on to become attorneys. Her story is a powerful reminder that people do rebuild, and that sometimes, that rebuilt life becomes a force for change. ADVOCATE FOR SB 1192: - Contact Senator Susan Rubio's office: sd22.senate.ca.gov - Co-sponsor: Family Violence Appellate Project (Oakland, CA)

    32 min
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4.5
out of 5
26 Ratings

About

Chris and Lisa of BeenThereGotOut.com both survived toxic marriages with narcissistic partners and the legal and co-parenting nightmares that go hand-in-hand with all of that.If you are struggling in a high-conflict relationship, divorce, custody battle, or co-parenting hell which requires PERSONALIZED attention, let us HOLD YOUR HAND along the way, while providing EXPERT, STRATEGIC guidance based on one's years of success (representing myself in court!), coupled with the other's High Conflict Divorce Coach certification.Our podcast features interviews with lawyers, therapists, co-parenting coordinators, guardians ad litem, and other subject matter experts, as well as other content, all with one goal in mind: Let us teach you how to HELP YOURSELF!

Information

  • Creator
    Chris & Lisa
  • Years Active
    2022 - 2026
  • Episodes
    355
  • Rating
    Clean
  • Copyright
    © 2026 BTGO, LLC
  • Show Website
    Been There Got Out Podcast

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