After the Affair

Luke Shillings
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The ‘After the affair’ podcast with Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide, and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Let’s explore what’s required to rebuild trust not only in yourself, but also with others. Whether you stay or leave, I can help! and no matter what your story, there will be something here for you.

  1. 6D AGO

    177. Intrusive Thoughts During Sex After Betrayal

    Many betrayed partners experience intrusive thoughts or images when trying to be sexually intimate during reconciliation, often images of their partner with the affair partner. These thoughts can feel shocking, disturbing, and deeply confusing, especially when you’ve consciously chosen to stay and work on the relationship. In this episode, affair recovery expert Luke Shillings speaks directly to this experience. He explains why intrusive thoughts often show up specifically during sex, why this isn’t about jealousy or sexual failure, and how the nervous system responds to betrayal in moments of vulnerability. You’ll learn why “pushing through” intimacy can make things worse, what actually helps safety return, and how to relate to these thoughts without shame or self-blame. This episode isn’t about fixing or forcing intimacy, it’s about understanding what your body and mind are communicating, so healing doesn’t become another place you abandon yourself. Key Takeaways Intrusive thoughts during sex are common after betrayal, especially during reconciliation These thoughts are not a sign of failure, incompatibility, or lack of commitment Sex often becomes the most triggering space because it’s where vulnerability and exclusivity once lived Intrusive imagery is usually a nervous system response, not a sexual desire Pushing through intimacy before safety returns can reinforce the problem Healing intimacy requires agency, permission, and pacing — not pressure Progress is measured by felt safety, not arousal or frequency You are allowed to stop sex the moment it stops feeling safe Who This Episode Is For Betrayed partners attempting reconciliation Anyone struggling with intrusive images or thoughts during intimacy after infidelity Listeners feeling ashamed or confused by their internal reactions during sex Couples trying to rebuild closeness without forcing it A Grounding Reminder Intrusive thoughts are not evidence that something is wrong with you. They are evidence that your nervous system is still learning what safety feels like after a profound rupture. Support & Next Steps If you’re navigating reconciliation and struggling with intrusive thoughts during intimacy, support can help you understand what your body is communicating, without pushing yourself beyond your capacity. Through one-to-one coaching and The After the Affair Collective, Luke helps betrayed partners rebuild safety, agency, and self-trust at a pace that actually holds. Learn more at lifecoachluke.com or reach out directly. You don’t need to force intimacy. You need safety to return. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

    11 min

  2. FEB 4

    176. Pacing: Why Rushing Your Healing Slows It Down

    After betrayal, many people feel an intense pressure to move quickly, to decide, to understand, to feel better. That urgency often sounds logical and responsible. But more often than not, it’s fear wearing a sensible disguise. In this episode, Luke Shillings explores the concept of pacing, not as avoidance or indecision, but as a skilful, intentional way of healing. You’ll learn why betrayal disrupts our sense of time and safety, how urgency can masquerade as intuition, and why moving faster than you can integrate often leads to burnout, doubt, and repeated reversals. This episode is about learning how to slow down without getting stuck, and why healing happens at the speed of safety, not pressure. Key Takeaways Betrayal collapses predictability, which creates urgency Urgency often feels like clarity, but it usually comes from fear Pacing is not avoidance, it’s active, intentional restraint Healing fails more often from being rushed than from being slow Decisions made under pressure rarely hold emotionally Intuition is calm; urgency is demanding Slowing down builds self-trust and emotional stability You don’t need certainty to heal, you need safety Who This Episode Is For Listeners feeling pressured to “know” what to do next People who appear functional on the outside but feel internally flooded Anyone worried they’re taking “too long” to heal Those who want to move forward without forcing clarity A Grounding Reminder You’re not behind. You’re not failing. You’re responding to a loss of safety, and pacing is how that safety returns. Support & Next Steps If you’re feeling rushed to make decisions or be “better by now,” support can help you slow the process without stalling it. Through one-to-one coaching and The After the Affair Collective, Luke helps people stabilise, rebuild self-trust, and make decisions from a grounded place rather than fear. Learn more at lifecoachluke.com or reach out directly. You don’t need more urgency. You need a steadier rhythm. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

    14 min

  3. JAN 28

    175. What’s Actually Essential After Betrayal

    After betrayal, many people believe healing means doing more: more processing, more understanding, more effort, more tolerance. But what if that belief is what’s keeping you stuck? In this episode, Luke Shillings introduces essentialism as a recovery lens, not as a productivity tool, but as a way to stabilise, simplify, and heal without burning yourself out. You’ll learn why betrayal creates mental and emotional overload, how “trying harder” often backfires, and what actually must be in place for healing to be possible at all. This episode helps you separate what’s essential from what’s just noise, and why subtraction, not addition, is often the real work. Key Takeaways Healing after betrayal breaks down from overload, not lack of effort The nervous system heals through safety and containment, not information Essentialism means identifying what must be present, and letting go of the rest Subtraction is often more stabilising than adding more tools Safety, reality, emotional permission, and choice are non-negotiables You don’t need to understand everything to heal Trying to carry everything often leads to burnout and self-erasure Healing is about becoming more selective, not more capable Who This Episode Is For Anyone feeling overwhelmed by advice or expectations after betrayal Listeners exhausted by “doing all the right things” but still feeling stuck People struggling to know where to focus their energy Those wanting a calmer, more sustainable way to heal Support & Next Steps If healing feels overwhelming, it’s often because you’re carrying too much, not because you’re doing it wrong. Through one-to-one coaching and The After the Affair Collective, Luke helps people identify what’s essential, stabilise first, and rebuild with intention rather than urgency. Learn more at lifecoachluke.com or reach out directly. You don’t need to do everything. You need to do what matters. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

    14 min

  4. JAN 21

    174. Are You Being Driven by Fear?

    Fear influences far more of our behaviour than most of us realise. Not obvious fear. Not panic or terror. But the quiet, reasonable-sounding fear that shows up as urgency, overthinking, control, and the need for certainty. In this episode, Luke Shillings explores how fear operates as a hidden driver in everyday life, and why it becomes even more powerful after betrayal, when safety and predictability have been shattered. You’ll learn how fear disguises itself as logic and responsibility, how it fuels the pressure to decide before you’re ready, and why chasing certainty often keeps people stuck. Most importantly, this episode helps you recognise fear without letting it run the show, so you can move forward in a way that aligns with who you want to be, even while uncertainty remains. This episode is for anyone who feels rushed, stuck, or overwhelmed by the need to “know” what to do next. Key Takeaways Fear often looks like logic, urgency, or “being sensible” Humans are more distressed by uncertainty than by bad news Betrayal collapses predictability, activating fear-based behaviour The need for answers is often a need for safety Fear pushes for decisions before clarity is available Self-blame can be a way to regain a sense of control Certainty is not available in situations that matter most You don’t need certainty to heal, you need self-trust Fear doesn’t need to disappear; it just doesn’t get to decide Who This Episode Is For Anyone feeling pressured to decide after betrayal Listeners stuck in rumination, overthinking, or hypervigilance People craving certainty in an inherently uncertain situation Those wanting to slow down without “doing nothing” A Note from Luke Fear isn’t a weakness. It’s a protective response to uncertainty. But healing doesn’t come from eliminating fear, it comes from recognising it and choosing from a steadier place. You don’t need to outrun fear. You just don’t need to obey it. Support & Resources If fear feels like it’s driving your decisions right now, support can help you slow the pace and reconnect with your internal compass. Through one-to-one coaching and The After the Affair Collective, Luke helps people navigate uncertainty without rushing themselves into decisions they’re not ready for. You can learn more at lifecoachluke.com, or reach out directly. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

    14 min

  5. JAN 14

    173. When Your Partner Still Has Feelings for Their Affair Partner

    One of the most painful and confusing stages of betrayal recovery is this: You’re trying to heal the relationship… and your partner is still emotionally letting go of their affair partner. They may be in therapy. They may be doing the “right” things. They may genuinely want to change. And yet, you’re left knowing that they still miss someone else. In this episode, Luke responds to a listener’s message and explores what it’s like to rebuild a marriage while your partner is still emotionally detaching from their affair. He explains why this situation hurts so deeply, why it’s not unreasonable to struggle with it, and how to distinguish between internal processing and relational harm. This episode is for betrayed partners who feel caught between compassion and self-preservation, and need permission to stop carrying pain that isn’t theirs to hold. Key Takeaways Emotional detachment from an affair doesn’t always happen instantly Psychological “processing” can still cause real relational harm Something being understandable doesn’t make it harmless You are not obligated to carry your partner’s grief for someone else No contact is not the same as emotional detachment Boundaries are about protecting your emotional safety, not controlling feelings Reconciliation should not require ongoing retraumatisation Wanting to feel chosen, clearly and fully, is not too much to ask Who This Episode Is For Betrayed partners trying to reconcile Anyone whose partner says they are “processing” feelings for an affair partner Listeners struggling with jealousy, grief, or comparison one year or more after discovery Those questioning whether what they’re being asked to tolerate is reasonable A Note from Luke You are not weak for finding this unbearable. You are not unreasonable for wanting to be the emotional priority. And you are not required to sacrifice your healing for someone else’s process. Reconciliation is not measured by how much pain you can tolerate. It’s measured by whether both people are becoming safer to be with. Support & Resources If this episode reflects your situation and you’re feeling stuck between staying compassionate and protecting yourself, support can help you sort what’s yours to hold, and what isn’t. You can learn more about working with Luke at lifecoachluke.com, or reach out directly. You don’t have to navigate this stage alone. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

    9 min

  6. JAN 7

    172. Are You Healing… or Just Protecting Yourself?

    After betrayal, many people notice a change in themselves. They’re calmer. More regulated. Less reactive. But they’re also more distant. Less open. Less connected. In this episode, Luke explores a question that quietly emerges during recovery: “Am I actually healing… or am I just protecting myself better?” This episode breaks down how emotional defences form after betrayal, why they’re not a problem, and how they can sometimes begin to limit connection if left unexamined. With clear, practical language, Luke helps you distinguish between healthy self-protection and growth that keeps you open, without asking you to drop your guard or rush vulnerability. If you’ve felt stronger but less connected, this episode will help you understand why — and what to do next. Key Takeaways Emotional defences after betrayal are normal and protective Calm, regulation, and independence can quietly become shields Healing doesn’t require removing defences — just loosening them You don’t need to be “fully processed” to be authentic Growth can include mess, uncertainty, and unfinished feelings Protection keeps you safe; healing keeps you connected You can honour both, without losing yourself If this episode helped you recognise where protection may be limiting connection, support can help you explore that safely, without forcing vulnerability or rushing decisions. Through one-to-one coaching and The After the Affair Collective, Luke helps people rebuild trust, openness, and self-connection after betrayal, at their own pace. You can learn more at lifecoachluke.com, or reach out directly. You don’t need to tear anything down to heal. You just need room to be human again. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

    13 min

  7. 12/31/2025

    171. The 3 Ingredients Behind Most Betrayals

    As the year comes to a close, many betrayed partners find themselves reviewing everything that happened, and quietly turning that review into self-attack. What did I miss? What should I have done differently? How did this happen to me? In this episode, Luke offers a clear, grounding framework for understanding how most betrayals actually occur, without excusing the behaviour and without placing responsibility where it doesn’t belong. You’ll learn the three ingredients that show up again and again behind infidelity: unmet needs, unhealthy coping, and weak or undefined boundaries — and why none of them are a reflection of your worth, effort, or adequacy as a partner. This episode isn’t about certainty. It’s about probability, perspective, and ending the year without turning yourself into the problem. Key Takeaways Unmet needs are internal experiences, not partner failures Adults are responsible for expressing and managing their own needs Betrayal is often driven by escape, not desire Avoidance, emotional outsourcing, and validation-seeking play a major role in infidelity Boundaries are internal commitments, not rules for others Most betrayals involve a combination of needs, coping, and boundaries Understanding betrayal doesn’t require blaming yourself You can learn from betrayal without turning yourself into the lesson Work With Luke If this episode helped loosen some of the self-blame you’ve been carrying, ongoing support can help you integrate what you’ve been through, without losing yourself in it. Through one-to-one coaching and The After the Affair Collective, Luke helps people move from confusion and self-attack into clarity, dignity, and grounded forward movement. You don’t need to carry responsibility that was never yours. Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

    11 min

  8. 12/25/2025 · BONUS

    170.5 You Didn’t Fail Because They Had Unmet Needs

    After betrayal, many people carry a quiet belief: “If I had been more, they wouldn’t have needed someone else.” This short Christmas Day bonus episode gently dismantles that idea. Luke explores why unmet needs are internal experiences, why adults are responsible for expressing and managing them, and how taking responsibility for someone else’s unmet needs leads to self-erasure. This is not an episode about fixing, analysing, or understanding the past. It’s an invitation to stop punishing yourself, and to rest. If you’re listening today, I’m really glad you’re here. You don’t need to work on yourself today. You don’t need clarity today. You don’t need answers today. You’re allowed to rest. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

    4 min
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About

The ‘After the affair’ podcast with Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide, and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Let’s explore what’s required to rebuild trust not only in yourself, but also with others. Whether you stay or leave, I can help! and no matter what your story, there will be something here for you.

Information

  • Creator
    Luke Shillings
  • Years Active
    2022 - 2026
  • Episodes
    179
  • Rating
    Clean
  • Copyright
    © Copyright 2023 All rights reserved.
  • Show Website
    After the Affair

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