Better Than Perfect | A Relationship Podcast

Nicole and John Sonmez
  • 4.4 (24)
  • Relationships
  • Updated Weekly

Each week, we show how two imperfect people helping each other grow equals one better than perfect relationship.

  1. 1d ago

    Relationship Compatibility Test: Are You Actually Compatible? [Ep 133]

    Relationship Compatibility Test: Are You Actually Compatible? Relationship compatibility is the topic of the day as John and Echo take a 40-question compatibility quiz live on the show to find out if they should "get a divorce" — or keep going. They break down everything from shared hobbies and core values to conflict resolution, household chores, and sexual satisfaction, scoring each answer one to ten and debating the results in real time. Along the way, the conversation turns into a deep dive on boundaries (and what actually makes a boundary valid vs. a manipulation tactic), why traditional masculine and feminine roles eliminate so many common relationship conflicts, and whether compatibility is something you're born with or something you can build. Plus: a debate about co-ed run clubs, separate social circles, and a go-with-the-flow t-shirt idea that may or may not make millions. In This EpisodeCompatibility isn't fixed — you can grow and improve it over timeA valid boundary must be objective and clear to both people, not based on your opinion or a moving targetBoundaries should be a last resort — overusing them creates distance and battlegrounds in your relationshipHousehold chores cause major conflict, but a traditional setup (or being willing to do ANY chore) eliminates itIf you won't help with chores, then provide so your partner doesn't have to work — pick a laneCompeting careers and separate social circles fuel conflict; one primary provider clears that upMasculine/feminine roles "freebie" your way through most compatibility questionsCompletely separate co-ed social circles your partner is never part of are a red flag Timestamps0:00 — Intro: Are We Compatible? 2:08 — Shared Values and Moral Compass 6:08 — Sexual Intimacy and Communication 9:39 — Handling Obstacles and Social Circles 12:00 — Decoding the Confusing Quiz Scoring 14:48 — The Boundaries Debate 20:25 — When Boundaries Hurt a Relationship 27:05 — What Compatibility Really Means 29:54 — Traditional Roles Solve Conflict 33:50 — Co-Ed Hobbies and Separate Social Lives 37:01 — Masculine and Feminine Energy 40:30 — The T-Shirt Challenge and Wrap-Up Connect🎙 Full show notes & resources 📺 YouTube 📷 Instagram: @betterthanperfectpodcast 📧 Subscribe for weekly relationship advice About the ShowBetter Than Perfect is a relationship podcast that helps you navigate modern dating, marriage, and everything in between — with real talk and practical advice that actually works. New episodes every Friday.

    44 min

  2. Jun 5

    How To Know You Found The One: Why You Just Know [Ep 132]

    How to Know You Found the One: Why You Just Know How to know you found the one is the question everyone asks before getting married, and John and Echo break down what that feeling actually means. They tackle why clichés like "when you know, you know" and "it happens when you least expect it" are annoyingly true, and how full acceptance, comfort, and contrast help you recognize your person. From meeting on a dating app 2,000 miles apart with zero expectations to moving in together fast, John and Echo share their messy, real love story. They dig into why you need options to make a real choice, why finding the one is only 10% (the other 90% is building the relationship), how to tell toxicity from chemistry, and why your subconscious "tells" reveal what you actually feel about someone. In This EpisodeThe clichés are true — "when you know, you know" is frustrating but real, and you'll feel it differently than anything beforeYou need options and contrast to make a real choice; one-itis means you never actually choseHave zero expectations on dates — pressure makes you twist someone into being "the one" when they're notFinding the one is only 10% — the other 90% is the relationship you build, and you can absolutely screw up the right personWatch your subconscious tells — if small habits (like contacts left everywhere) actively turn you off, that's misalignment, not nitpickingDon't confuse toxicity for chemistry — anxious-avoidant patterns can feel like a pull, but that's the dysfunction drawing you inYou can't find the one if you're not living up to what you're looking for — work on yourself firstHonesty, full acceptance, and feeling like "one unit" through life's chaos are how you know Timestamps0:00 — The Subconscious Tells That Reveal the Truth 2:46 — Comfort, Familiarity, and the Signs You See in Hindsight 5:00 — John's Perspective: Choosing Against All Odds 8:36 — Dating With No Expectations 12:13 — Full Acceptance and Moving in Together 14:30 — Why You Need Options to Make a Real Choice 17:55 — If You're Married, Make Them the One 22:58 — You Can't Find the One Until You Work on Yourself 27:44 — Being Open, Honest, and Becoming One Unit 33:38 — Detecting When It's Not the One: Toxicity and Attraction 38:37 — Synchronicities and Guideposts on the Right Path 41:39 — You Can't Mess It Up: The Spiritual Side of Finding the One 46:43 — Unconditional Love and Matching Weirdnesses Connect🎙 Full show notes & resources 📺 YouTube 📷 Instagram: @betterthanperfectpodcast 📧 Subscribe for weekly relationship advice About the ShowBetter Than Perfect is a relationship podcast that helps you navigate modern dating, marriage, and everything in between — with real talk and practical advice that actually works. New episodes every Friday.

    48 min
  3. Anxious Attachment: Why You're Pushing Love Away [Ep 131]

    May 29

    Anxious Attachment: Why You're Pushing Love Away [Ep 131]

    Anxious Attachment: Why You're Pushing Love Away Anxious attachment keeps you stuck in a cycle of fear, control, and self-sabotage — and most people don't even realize they're doing it. John and Echo break down exactly how anxious attachment shows up in real relationships, why it develops in the first place, and what it actually costs you to keep living this way. If you've ever needed constant reassurance, spiraled over unanswered texts, or exploded after holding everything in — this episode is for you. They dig into the real mechanics of anxious attachment: how childhood wounds and past relationship trauma wire you to see love as something that can be taken away, why anxious people are weirdly good at reading emotions but terrible at reading situations, and the uncomfortable truth about how chasing control pushes people toward the exact outcome you're terrified of. John and Echo also flip the script — talking about how to *actually* influence your relationship in the right direction, how to handle a partner who's anxiously attached without making things worse, and why giving reassurance without boundaries is just feeding the cycle. In This EpisodeAnxious attachment usually forms from unpredictable parenting or past relationship trauma — not a personal flawAnxious people detect emotions quickly but jump to wrong conclusions, which accelerates the spiralTrying to control outcomes is the *formula* for anxiety — letting go of control is the cureCalling 15 times or asking "do you still love me?" soothes you for five minutes and makes the problem worse long-termInstead of nagging from fear, reinforce the positive traits you want — it pulls people toward being that personIf you don't address issues as they come up, you *will* become anxiously attached — avoidance creates itReassurance without boundaries teaches your partner that their anxiety controls you — set the limit kindly but clearlyAnxious attachment looks different in men vs. women: men tend to control overtly, women tend to control covertly Timestamps0:00 — What Makes Someone Anxiously Attached? 3:15 — How Past Relationships Shape Your Attachment Style 5:35 — Anxious People Read Emotions But Jump to Conclusions 9:39 — Why Anxious People Try to Control Outcomes 15:13 — Can Worrying About Cheating Actually Cause It? 22:28 — Letting Go of Control Is the Formula for Less Anxiety 31:40 — Why Women Are Naturally More Anxious in Relationships 38:14 — How Anxious Attachment Shows Up in Men 47:04 — Positive Influence vs. Negative Spiraling 59:06 — How to Handle an Anxiously Attached Partner Connect🎙 Full show notes & resources 📺 YouTube 📷 Instagram: @betterthanperfectpodcast 📧 Subscribe for weekly relationship advice About the ShowBetter Than Perfect is a relationship podcast that helps you navigate modern dating, marriage, and everything in between — with real talk and practical advice that actually works. New episodes every Friday.

    1h 7m

  4. May 22

    Women Approaching Men: Why It Usually Backfires [Ep 130]

    Women Approaching Men: Why It Usually Backfires Should women approach men? John and Nicole break down why women making the first move almost always kills attraction — even when the guy would have pursued her anyway. This is the raw, unfiltered truth about pursuing, chasing, and why men are wired the way they are whether they admit it or not. From nightclub stories to dorm room disasters, John gets uncomfortably honest about women who pursued him hard — and how it instantly killed his attraction. Nicole shares her own experiences shooting her shot, what actually worked, and the subtle moves women can make instead that signal interest without scaring a guy off or handing over all the power. In This EpisodeMen are natural pursuers — even if they complain about it, taking away the chase kills attractionWomen approaching men can work, but it's the exception, not the ruleSubtle signals like eye contact, proximity, and positioning are far more effective than direct approachesWhat makes something creepy isn't your looks — it's insulating yourself from rejectionBold action is always hotter than covert, low-risk moves, especially for menIf women approach too aggressively, they risk setting a masculine-feminine dynamic they don't actually wantWomen should make themselves approachable, not do the approachingMen need to stop letting fear of rejection paralyze them — just go talk to her Timestamps0:00 — Kissing Strangers in Nightclubs Cold Open 4:19 — Nicole's Experience Approaching Guys 8:03 — What Women Should Do Instead of Approaching 10:05 — The Difference Between Creepy and Bold 14:01 — Navigating Groups and Breaking Away From Friends 17:05 — What Makes an Approach Creepy vs. Confident 20:03 — The Art of the Bold Move 25:43 — Masculine vs. Feminine Energy in Dating Dynamics 31:03 — Why Men Need to Be Pushed to Step Up 36:46 — Don't Go On Dates You're Not Ready For 39:41 — The Becky Story: When Women Come On Too Strong 43:13 — Final Advice and Wrap-Up Connect🎙 Full show notes & resources 📺 YouTube 📷 Instagram: @betterthanperfectpodcast

    44 min

  5. May 15

    Green Flags, No Spark: Why "Perfect" Feels So Wrong [Ep 129]

    Green flags in dating don’t always mean a green light — and this episode gets into exactly why someone can check every box and still leave you cold. John and Nicole break down the viral Reddit question: should you stay with someone who’s a walking green flag even when the spark just isn’t there? In This EpisodeA green flag person who feels boring usually isn’t — if you’re calling them boring, you’re addicted to toxic highs and lowsMen are responsible for creating the spark — confidence, game, and leading with intentionThe no-spark problem often comes down to caring too much what people thinkChasing red flag partners traces back to childhood chaos feeling like homeConfidence is the real game-changer — scarcity mindset turns green flag guys into people-pleasers nobody wants to marry Timestamps0:00 — Men Want Peace, Women Want Emotion 2:06 — Should You Stay With Perfect On Paper? 5:05 — Trusting Intuition vs. Settling Down 9:44 — What The Spark Really Means 14:19 — Red Flags vs. Green Flags Over Time 17:04 — The Soulmate Debate 22:27 — Why Women Crave Emotional Range 27:01 — Chasing Red Flags From Childhood Wounds 33:58 — The Four Types Of Men Matrix 43:48 — Biology and Parental Investment 50:59 — Creating The Spark

    56 min

  6. May 8

    Secure Attachment: Why Love Is a Gift, Not a Reward [Ep 128]

    Secure Attachment: Why Love Is a Gift, Not a Reward Secure attachment starts with one radical idea — love is not something you earn. John and Echo break down all five attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, anxious-avoidant, disorganized, and secure) and explain why the path to secure attachment means completely rewiring how you think about love, worth, and relationships. They dig into why telling yourself "I deserve love" is actually a trap, how conditional love drives both anxious clinging and avoidant distancing, and why real security comes from treating love like grace — a gift you neither earned nor can lose by messing up. Plus, they get real about a fight they had over a dress that turned out to be about something much deeper: old wounds, trust, and what it actually looks like when a partner handles your emotions right (and wrong). In This EpisodeSecure attachment means understanding love is a gift — not something earned, lost, or deserved based on behaviorBelieving you "deserve" love is a subtle trap that keeps love feeling transactional and conditionalBoth anxious and avoidant styles are rooted in the fear that love can be taken away — secure people don't live in that scarcityThe anxious-avoidant dynamic is especially volatile because each person's behavior triggers the other's deepest fearJudging others harshly is a sign you're judging yourself the same way — grace for others starts with grace for yourselfYou can love someone and still leave — tolerating bad behavior is not proof of loveIn conflict, validating your partner's emotions is not an admission of guilt — it's just the human thing to doYour childhood attachment wounds weren't your fault, and they weren't even really your parents' fault — but healing them is your responsibility now Timestamps0:00 — Introduction & Episode Preview 4:46 — How Attachment Styles Form in Childhood 9:56 — Why Attachment Styles Matter in Relationships 13:25 — What Secure Attachment Really Means 17:40 — Love Is a Gift, Not Something You Earn 25:56 — The Grace Concept: Christian Theology Meets Psychology 35:36 — The Trap of Thinking You "Deserve" Love 43:00 — Why Judging Others Means Judging Yourself 51:04 — Real Life Conflict: The Dress Incident 59:40 — Responding to Emotions Without Needing to Understand Why 1:02:26 — Wrap-Up & Where to Find Us Connect🎙 Full show notes & resources 📺 YouTube 📷 Instagram: @betterthanperfectpodcast 📧 Subscribe for weekly relationship advice About the ShowBetter Than Perfect is a relationship podcast that helps you navigate modern dating, marriage, and everything in between — with real talk and practical advice that actually works. New episodes every Friday.

    1h 3m

  7. May 1

    Talking Crap About Your Partner Is Ruining Your Relationship [Ep 127]

    Talking Crap About Your Partner Is Ruining Your Relationship Talking crap about your partner — to friends, on social media, or even in your own head — is one of the most destructive things you can do to a relationship. John and Echo break down why venting to outsiders poisons the well, why you should be proud to show off your partner, and what it really means when you're not. This episode gets raw and real fast. John opens up about a major blowup he had with Echo — yelling in the car, saying things he deeply regrets — and they walk through the whole ugly, honest aftermath together. What started as a fight became a breakthrough: John uncovering a deep-rooted need for external validation tied to childhood wounds he'd never fully processed. Echo shares what it was like to be on the receiving end, how she held her boundary without matching his energy, and why she almost couldn't talk to him at all anymore. Plus — their dog Toto nearly died from a blueberry. Yes, a blueberry. In This Episode If you're shitting on other people's relationships online, it says everything about yoursBeing proud of your partner publicly isn't cringe — not being able to is the red flagWhen you vent to friends or family, you're painting a picture of your partner they won't forgetThe best person to talk to when you're upset with your partner is your partnerExternal validation is a bottomless pit — only self-validation can close it offTaking things personally in your relationship is often about YOU, not your partnerA good partner holds up a mirror — your job is to look, not argue with the reflectionRepairing trust requires actually breaking down your walls, not just saying "I'm sorry"Timestamps 0:00 — Don't Poison the Well: Talk to Your Partner First 2:54 — Reading the Most Toxic Comments 5:03 — It's Projection: Happy People Don't Leave Hateful Comments 7:20 — Devaluing Men (or Women) Destroys Your Own Love Life 12:15 — Keyboard Warriors and the Addiction to Negative Attention 16:16 — Be Proud of Your Partner and Protect Their Name 24:29 — Choosing Your Words Wisely Inside and Outside Your Relationship 33:39 — John's Big Mistake: The Blowup in the Car 43:01 — Uncovering Deep-Rooted Childhood Wounds and Validation Seeking 56:55 — The Breakthrough: Taking Responsibility and Rebuilding Trust 1:14:43 — The $10,000 Blueberry: Toto's Emergency Surgery Saga 1:21:53 — Closing Thoughts and How to Reach Us Connect 🎙 Full show notes & resources 📺 YouTube 📷 Instagram: @betterthanperfectpodcast 📧 Subscribe for weekly relationship advice About the Show Better Than Perfect is a relationship podcast that helps you navigate modern dating, marriage, and everything in between — with real talk and practical advice that actually works. New episodes every Friday.

    1h 23m

  8. Apr 24

    Dating Is Broken: Social Media, Insecurity, and What's Next [Ep 126]

    Dating Is Broken: Social Media, Insecurity, and What's Next The state of dating and relationships has never been more chaotic — and social media is the accelerant. John and Echo break down why influencer culture, looks-obsessed content creators, and chronically online young people are destroying any chance at real connection, and what's actually driving it all: deep, unaddressed insecurity. From the "captain of the ship" talk and why men shouldn't volunteer commitment first, to the Manosphere documentary, to the Clavicular phenomenon — this episode tackles how fake online lives are warping what young men and women think dating even is. John and Echo get into why parents are failing their kids by handing them social media without guardrails, why money multiplies whatever's already broken in you, and why the void that influencers keep chasing can never actually be filled. In This EpisodeWomen are gatekeepers of sex; men are gatekeepers of commitment — you can't lead the "captain of the ship" talk without leverageYou must already BE the captain before she ever asks "what are we?" — it's a clarification, not a surprise announcementInfluencers like Clavicular aren't proof that looks are everything — women respond to fame and environment, not just his faceThe insecurity epidemic is now hitting men the way magazines hit women in the 90s — and it's getting worseMoney is a multiplier: it makes good people better and broken people more brokenSocial media has turned from "be yourself with friends" into spectacle, celebrity, and curated liesParents handing kids unrestricted social media without conversations are setting them up to chase validation foreverThe void never gets filled — self-respect, confidence, and loving yourself is the only real answer Timestamps0:00 — The Crisis of Looks-Obsessed Dating Culture 2:43 — Listener Question: Who Should Initiate the Relationship Talk? 4:58 — Why Men Must Be Gatekeepers of Commitment 8:02 — What Being a Good Captain Actually Looks Like 13:13 — Setting Relationship Rules Before Committing 17:07 — Most Men Aren't Ready to Be Captain 20:35 — How Clavicular Is Blackpilling a Generation 26:27 — Social Media Is Destroying Kids and Dating 31:40 — The Insecurity-to-Plastic Surgery Pipeline for Men 43:14 — AI, the Death of Authenticity & What Comes Next 55:59 — The Void That Fame and Money Can Never Fill Connect🎙 Full show notes & resources 📺 YouTube 📷 Instagram: @betterthanperfectpodcast 📧 Subscribe for weekly relationship advice About the ShowBetter Than Perfect is a relationship podcast that helps you navigate modern dating, marriage, and everything in between — with real talk and practical advice that actually works. New episodes every Friday.

    1h 4m
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4.4
out of 5
24 Ratings

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Each week, we show how two imperfect people helping each other grow equals one better than perfect relationship.

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