On today’s show: Paper Straws Can Choke on It Tim rants about the war on plastic straws: paper straws feel like licking envelopes, reusable metal/silicone straws are mold tubes for lazy freaks, and we still haven’t invented a non-soggy, non-homicidal eco-straw that works. Glass Straw Girl vs. Internal Shrapnel A TikTok mom/influencer swallows a chunk of her glass straw, tastes blood, and ends up in the ER. Doctors spot a shard in her stomach, knock her out to retrieve it, and by the time they’re ready, it’s already wandering her intestines. She’s now waiting to poop out a razor blade—and still has to contact TikTok Shop to stop promoting the product she nearly died selling. Grave-Hugging at Six Feet Under At a burial, a grieving woman climbs down into the grave, wraps herself around the casket, and refuses to let go. The crowd yells, drags her out, and a full-on fight breaks out graveside. Tim marvels at the chaos of overly “lively” funerals, corpse parties with sunglasses and cigarettes, and the etiquette of not making someone else’s funeral all about you. “Is There Medicine in Glasses?” (No, You Idiot) A TikTok “adult learner” proudly announces she’s just discovered there’s no “medicine” inside eyeglasses. Tim loses it as she explains prescriptions like they’re magical lens potions, rambles about “shavings” and light science, and accidentally makes a strong case for global thermonuclear reset. Sagittarius Shouty’s Chunky C**t Chronicles Our favorite surly sex worker is back with a “work vlog”: A sweet Indian client compliments her “very chubby” c**t, turning her chunky clitoris into a niche selling point. Another guy leaves fingerprint-shaped bruises on her “chesticles” from rough handling. Sagittarius lists her hard limits (no 69, no BBBJ, no kissing, no cuddling, definitely no BBFS) and flips out when a regular asks if she’ll go bareback. The dreaded “balcony guy” returns: he’s late, needs directions, wants to smoke, washes his hands too much, spits off her balcony, and gets the full dead-eyed, pre-mean Sagittarius treatment while the meter is running. ShamWow Guy for Congress Vince Offer, a.k.a. the ShamWow / Slap Chop infomercial weirdo and “Woke Busters” cringe musician, files to run in Texas’s 31st congressional district. Tim recaps: His pitch to “destroy wokeism” and honor “the original Wokebuster” Charlie Kirk. His history of being arrested after a fight with a sex worker and other harassment allegations. The reality check: he’s running in a safe GOP district with a long-time incumbent and big culture-war energy, but it’s unlikely America is clamoring for a ShamWow congressman. Panama Playlists & J.D. Vance’s Gay-Ass Mixes A mysterious site, PanamaPlaylist.com, scrapes Spotify accounts to expose playlists allegedly belonging to politicians and public figures. Supposedly: Vice President J.D. Vance’s account features boy band favorites, queer club anthems, and Whitney-level diva bangers alongside standard dad rock. Other Republicans and officials get outed for Beyoncé baby shower mixes, Elton John–laced lists, and Peak Dad Rock compilations. Tech bros like Sam Altman are also exposed for their secretly trashy bops. Tim scrolls through Vance’s alleged tracks, realizes they share some 90s alt/indie overlap, and reluctantly admits they could probably talk Gin Blossoms if they ever met. Voicemails: Ungodly.com & Convenience Store Degeneracy A listener reacts in horror to Tim’s resurrected domain Ungod.ly, where he’s reposted a cursed “man s***s out a baby” video and teases an even worse Hershey’s factory monstrosity edit coming soon. Another caller explains why 7-Eleven delivery subscriptions are a thing, prompting Tim to reflect on alcohol delivery, chili dogs by app, and how far people will go to have garbage brought directly to their door.
