Surfing the Quicksand

Kathy Vines
  • 5.0 (14)
  • Self-Improvement
  • Weekly

Helping midlife women get unstuck – at home, at work, in our relationships, from ourselves – one chat at a time. Host Kathy Vines explores all sorts of ways we can get stuck and brings us together to see the possibility and strike a path forward and get UNstuck. Come for education, inspiration, entertainment, and action! Podcast Engineer: Nate Winchell Music: "Take Off," Luke Bergs & Waesto (licensed material) Presented by Clever Girl Organizing, Inc.

  1. 17h ago

    What If I Can? Choosing Courage and Finding Joy Through Life’s Challenges (Ep 211)

    Could you even imagine what your life could like if, instead of assuming you can’t, you asked yourself, “What if I can?”  Motivational speaker, swim coach, and open-water swimmer Jeannie Zappe joins Kathy to explore choosing courage and finding joy through life’s challenges. After a 20-year career in higher education IT, Jeannie reconnected with her love of coaching and began discovering possibilities she had once ruled out. One small “yes” after another eventually led to something she never imagined: swimming the English Channel solo at 55, and again at 60.  When her husband was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s between those two swims, caregiving changed her daily life and made preparing for that second crossing much harder. With practical support, encouragement from close friends, and an adapted approach to training, Jeannie reclaimed the pool as her “joy place.” She also turned her swim into a fundraiser, raising more than $40,000 for dementia treatment research through Clear Thoughts Foundation.  With humor and honesty, Jeannie shares stories of self-doubt, reinvention, cold water, jellyfish, and the people who helped her keep going. Her experiences offer an invitation to consider what makes you feel alive and how you might make room for it, even when life is difficult.  Resources and Mentions  To explore bringing Jeannie’s message of courage, resilience, reinvention, and optimism to your organization, conference, or team, visit her speaking website: https://eternaloptimist.me/motivationalspeaker   To learn more about Jeannie’s swim coaching: https://eternaloptimist.me/   Find Jeannie on Social Media:   LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/jeanniezappe/  Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/theeternaloptimistchannel   Facebook Groups Eternal Optimists: https://www.facebook.com/groups/405086924278527     To learn more or donate to Clear Thoughts Foundation, supporting the discovery of dementia treatments :   https://www.facebook.com/ClearThoughtsFoundation   https://clearthoughtsfoundation.org/     About Jeannie Zappe  Jeannie Zappe, a transformative speaker and coach, excelled in leadership roles in higher education IT before pursuing her true calling as a swim coach in 2010. Harnessing her lifelong passion, she's coached a diverse spectrum, from young talents to elite national athletes and Ironmen/women.  Jeannie's personal feats include swimming around Manhattan, solo crossing the English Channel twice, and joining the elite ranks of the Triple Crown of Open Water Swimming at 56 by swimming from Catalina Island to Long Beach, California. In July 2026, at age 60, Jeannie crossed the raised over $40,000 for Alzheimer’s awareness in support of Clear Thoughts Foundation with her 2nd Channel crossing.  Her life-altering question to herself, "What if I can?”, transformed Jeannie’s perspective, and she loves to share its power. With a captivating and lively presentation style, she embarks on an emotional journey that dives into the depths of setting daring goals, braving intimidating opportunities, and upholding an unwavering optimism.    She holds a BS in Quantitative Business Analysis from Penn State and an MS in Business Administration from Bucknell University.

    What If I Can? Choosing Courage and Finding Joy Through Life’s Challenges (Ep 211)

  2. Nov 5

    Stay, Go, or Reno? Creating a Home That Supports Your Next Chapter

    For many of us, our home reflects the life we were living when we chose it: starting a family, raising children, commuting to a particular job, or entertaining in a particular way. But as life changes, the home that once fit perfectly may no longer support who we are or who we want to become.  In this episode of Surfing the Quicksand, Kathy talks with Kim Costa, REALTOR®, author, speaker, podcast host, and creator of Lifestyle Foundations and the Wheel House Assessment. Drawing on more than 30 years of experience in residential construction, design, real estate, and human resources, Kim helps people look beyond aesthetics and resale value to consider a deeper question: Does your home support the life you want to live now?  Kim introduces her “stay, go, or reno” framework and explains how health, finances, relationships, career, family, community, and leisure can all influence where (and how) we live. She and Kathy explore why a temporary home can sometimes be the right answer during a major transition, how couples can navigate different visions for their future, and why familiar spaces such as dining rooms, basements, and spare bedrooms may need to take on entirely new purposes.  They also discuss the emotional cost of remaining in a home that doesn’t fit, the identities we attach to unused rooms and abandoned hobbies, and the importance of distinguishing between the life we once imagined and the life we’re actually living.  Sometimes the answer is moving. Sometimes it’s renovating or repurposing a room. And sometimes the house isn’t the problem at all. The first step is pausing long enough to ask what’s working, what isn’t, and what you want your one and only life to look like next.  Key Takeaways  A beautiful home can still be the wrong home. Most people choose homes based largely on aesthetics, location, and budget, but those factors don’t necessarily reflect their personalities, priorities, relationships, or daily needs.   Start with the life you want—not the features you think a home should have. Health, finances, career, family, relationships, community, environment, and leisure can help clarify what a home needs to provide.   Couples can have different and equally valid visions. Compromise might mean choosing a mutually acceptable location, dividing time between two places, renting seasonally, or occasionally living apart without compromising the relationship itself.   Rooms don’t have to retain their original purpose. A dining room can become an office, studio, or first-floor sleeping space. A former child’s bedroom can support a new interest. Function should reflect the life being lived now.   Our homes can preserve outdated versions of our identities. A sewing room, garden, workshop, or oversized entertaining space may represent something we once loved rather than how we currently spend our time and energy.  Resources and Mentions   Website: https://lifestylefoundations.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kim.e.costa Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/kimecostarealtor LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kimecosta Virtual Workshop: https://lifestylefoundations.com/virtual-workshop/   About Kim Costa   Kim Costa is a REALTOR®, author, speaker, podcast host, and creator of Lifestyle Foundations and the Wheel House Assessment. With more than 30 years of experience in residential construction, design, and real estate, she helps people understand the connection between their physical environment and the lives they want to create. She is the author of Live in Your Wheel House: An Empowering Guide to Stay, Go, or Reno, which helps readers navigate change, reinvention, and important decisions about where and how they live.

    Stay, Go, or Reno? Creating a Home That Supports Your Next Chapter

  3. Oct 29

    Better Sleep, Better Partners How Couples Can Navigate Insomnia, Snoring, and Sleepless Nights

    We spend roughly one-third of our lives asleep, but how often do we think about sleep as something that is an integral part of our relationships?  Sharing a bed can bring comfort, closeness, and a sense of safety. It can also bring snoring, stolen covers, mismatched schedules, different temperature preferences, late-night screens, restless pets, and plenty of frustration. And in midlife, hormonal changes, caregiving responsibilities, stress, and an active mind can make restful sleep even harder to find.  In this episode of Surfing the Quicksand, Kathy talks with Dr. Wendy Troxel, a licensed clinical psychologist, behavioral sleep medicine specialist, senior scientist at RAND, and author of Sharing the Covers: Every Couple’s Guide to Better Sleep.  Wendy explains why sleep isn’t simply an individual behavior and why couples may be better served by becoming “sleep teammates” rather than blaming one another for what happens in the bedroom. She shares how relationship quality affects sleep and how sleep affects our ability to be good partners.  Plus, Wendy offers a more nuanced view of “sleep divorce,” (a term both she and Kathy hate), discusses practical ways couples can accommodate different sleep needs, and explains why sleep scientists oppose permanent daylight saving time even if they agree that changing the clocks twice a year should end.  Key takeaways  Sleep is a shared experience, even when the problem appears individual. Our sleep is shaped by our partners, children, pets, caregiving responsibilities, work demands, home environment, and sense of safety, not only by personal biology or discipline.   The behaviors used to compensate for insomnia can perpetuate it. Sleeping late, going to bed unusually early, or constantly monitoring sleep may seem helpful, but they can interfere with sleep pressure and make sleep feel like an effortful, high-stakes task.   Midlife women don’t need to achieve a perfectly quiet mind before bed. Hormonal changes, caregiving, and competing responsibilities make that expectation unrealistic. A brief buffer that allows the brain to transition gradually toward sleep is a more attainable goal.   Sleeping separately isn’t automatically bad for a relationship. What matters is how the decision is made. A mutually agreed-upon arrangement designed to help both partners sleep is very different from one partner leaving the bedroom in anger or resentment.   Resources and Mentions  Wendy’s website: https://drwendytroxel.com/  To sign up for Wendy’s newsletter, head to her website and scroll down to find “Receive the Rhythm” Insights on sleep science, upcoming events, and evidence-based strategies for living well.   Wendy’s book, Sharing the Covers: Every Couple's Guide to Better Sleep: https://amzn.to/4gXBKei (ad link)    Her two TEDx Talks:   How to sleep like your relationship depends on it (2016): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U7ntoFtZK6A   Why school should start later for teens (2017): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G0Zj_InJ4BQ   Follow her on LinkedIn and Instagram at @DrWendyTroxel  About Dr. Wendy Troxel  Wendy Troxel, Ph.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist, behavioral sleep medicine specialist, and Senior Behavioral Scientist at the nonprofit, nonpartisan RAND Corporation and an adjunct professor at the University of Utah and the University of Pittsburgh. Internationally recognized for her research, she examines how sleep is affects and is affected by our relationships, families, communities, and public policies. She is the author of “Sharing the Covers: Every Couple’s Guide to Better Sleep.”  Dr. Troxel’s work explores how sleep is shaped by our closest relationships and how sleeping well can help us become healthier, happier, and better partners. Her research has been published in leading medical journals, and her insights have been featured by The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, NPR, The Today Show, CBS Sunday Morning, and the BBC.

    Better Sleep, Better Partners How Couples Can Navigate Insomnia, Snoring, and Sleepless Nights

  4. Oct 22

    Less Friction, More Energy: Making Your Home Work Better in Midlife (Ep 208)

    What if the reason your home feels harder to manage isn’t that you need to try harder but that your home hasn’t adapted to the life and energy you have now?  Cindy Hendler has spent more than 34 years helping people care for their homes. Known as Clean Snob to more than a million followers across social media, Cindy brings together cleaning, habits, systems, and clutter to help people create homes that work with them instead of against them. She’s also the author of the upcoming The Silent Shift: The Hidden Connection Between Midlife, Energy, and Your Home.   In this conversation, Cindy and Kathy explore how the demands of midlife (caregiving, changing bodies, busy careers, shifting family responsibilities, and plain old exhaustion) can make household tasks that once felt manageable suddenly feel much harder.  Cindy introduces the idea of thinking about our daily capacity in terms of “energy bars.” Every task costs something, and when we’re already depleted, something that normally takes four energy bars might suddenly take twenty. The solution isn’t always more discipline. Sometimes it’s finding and eliminating the small points of friction that make everyday tasks harder than they need to be.   They also talk about recognizing the clues our homes give us: the pile that keeps reappearing, the coat that never makes it to the closet, or the cleaning job we keep avoiding. Instead, we should be designing systems around how people actually behave rather than how we think they should behave.   And as we move through midlife, Cindy encourages us to reconsider not only our systems, but also our tools and household roles. The mop that worked ten years ago may not be the best tool today, and the division of labor that worked for a couple for decades may leave either partner vulnerable if circumstances change.   Ultimately, the goal isn’t a Pinterest-perfect home. It’s a home that requires less from us and gives something back, a place that helps us recharge for everything happening outside its walls.   In This Episode, We Discuss  Why cleaning is only one piece of maintaining a functional home and how cleaning, clutter, habits, and systems work together.   How small points of friction quietly consume our limited time and energy.   Cindy’s “energy bars” concept for understanding why the same task can feel easy one day and overwhelming the next.   Why recurring piles and problem spots are clues, not failures.   How to adapt cleaning tools and routines as our physical abilities and energy change.   Why couples should understand each other’s household roles before illness, caregiving, or other changes force them to.   Simple ways to make cleaning easier   How Cindy turned a pandemic shutdown into the beginning of Clean Snob and a social media audience of more than a million people.     Resources and Mentions:  Find Cindy as Clean Snob across TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube. Get her great tips and stay tuned for her upcoming book: The Silent Shift: The Hidden Connection Between Midlife, Energy, and Your Home.   Website: https://www.cleansnobpro.com/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@cleansnob  Instagram: https://instagram.com/cleansnob Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Cleansnob YouTube: https://youtube.com/@cleansnob  About Cindy Hendler  Cindy Hendler, aka CleanSnob, has spent 34 years as a professional housekeeper, working in thousands of homes and discovering how clutter, habits, and home systems impact stress, time, and energy. Today, she helps busy women create homes that reduce mental load and support them through midlife with simple, practical systems. She’s also the author of the upcoming book The Silent Shift: The Hidden Connection Between Midlife, Energy & Your Home.

    Less Friction, More Energy: Making Your Home Work Better in Midlife (Ep 208)

  5. Oct 15

    Small Acts, Big Impacts: Building Community One “What if?” at a Time (Ep 207)

    What happens when one bottle of water turns into a nonprofit?  When Christina Cheng-Patel's young son noticed a man standing in the Texas heat without water, she didn't know that a simple act of kindness would eventually grow into Under My Umbrella DFW, a grassroots nonprofit serving unhoused neighbors, families facing food insecurity, seniors, and children throughout the Dallas-Fort Worth area.  In this inspiring conversation, Christina shares how raising two sons shaped her philosophy of service, why she believes everyone deserves the dignity of choice, and how ordinary people can make an extraordinary difference without waiting for permission, funding, or perfect circumstances.  From creating holiday traditions for children living in shelters to mentoring teenage leaders and advocating for women through her "She Leads" workshops, Christina reminds us that meaningful change doesn't begin with resources. It begins with action.  Whether you're looking for ways to give back, raise compassionate children, or simply feel less overwhelmed by the world's biggest problems, this conversation offers a refreshing reminder that none of us has to solve everything. We just have to start somewhere.  In this episode, we discuss:  How one small act of kindness grew into a community-wide nonprofit   Why giving people choice is one of the greatest forms of dignity   Raising children who see service as a way of life, not a requirement  How children become leaders, and not just life-long helpers   The surprising statistic about funding for women and girls' programs   Why Christina believes everyone has something valuable to contribute, regardless of age or ability   The importance of taking care of yourself allows to continue taking care of others   Resources & Links  Visit Under My Umbrella DFW to learn more and to donate directly to programs that inspire you: https://www.under-my-umbrella.org/   FB: UnderMyUmbrellaDFW  IG: under_my_umbrella_dfw    Women and Girls’ Organizations receive about 2% of U.S. Philanthropy.    https://philanthropy.indianapolis.iu.edu/news-events/news/_news/2025/women-and-girls-2025.html   About Christina  Christina Cheng-Patel is the founder and Executive Director of Under My Umbrella DFW in Allen, Texas. She’s a single mother to the 2 sons who helped inspire the community service non-profit, daughter of immigrants, a pediatric researcher, and dog mom to a rescue pup.

    Small Acts, Big Impacts: Building Community One “What if?” at a Time (Ep 207)

  6. Oct 8

    Helped, Heard, or Hugged? How to Support a Friend Through Their Child's Gender Transition (Ep 206)

    When your child shares that they’re questioning their gender identity or beginning a gender transition, it can open up an entirely new journey for a parent, too, one that may bring love and support alongside surprise, confusion, fear, grief, and a lot of learning.  And when someone you care about is that parent, you may wonder: How do I show up? What should I say? What shouldn’t I ask? How can I support both my friend and their child?  In this episode of Surfing the Quicksand, Kathy talks with Wendy Williams, owner of Weave Wellbeing, a Mayo-trained and board-certified health and wellness coach who helps people navigate major life transitions. Wendy also facilitates support groups for parents of transgender and gender-diverse children, work informed by her own experience after her adult child came out as nonbinary.  Wendy shares what parents may experience as their child transitions, from adjusting long-held expectations and navigating names and pronouns to managing family dynamics and making space for their own emotions while continuing to support their child.  Kathy and Wendy also explore the role friends and family can play: listening without trying to solve, respecting privacy, avoiding intrusive questions, following the transitioning person’s lead, and sometimes simply asking, “Do you want to be helped, heard, or hugged?”  It’s a compassionate conversation about supporting someone through a transition you may not fully understand, without needing to have all the answers.  KEY TAKEAWAYS  A child’s transition is also a family transition. The transitioning person remains at the center, but parents, siblings and extended family are adapting too.  Complicated feelings can coexist with love and support. Surprise, confusion, fear, grief and a sense of loss can all be part of a parent's experience.  Good friends don't need to be experts; they need to be safe people. Listen, ask what your friend needs, respect privacy and don't rush to solutions. Wendy offers a helpful filter: “Do I need this information to do my job as a good friend?”  Don't get too far ahead of the family. While friends may be thinking about holidays, grandparents, school or legal changes, the family may still be dealing with tomorrow morning. Stay present and take things one step at a time.  RESOURCES AND LINKS  Wendy’s Website: https://www.weavewellbeing.com/  LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/wendy-williams-mm-nbc-hwc-2145671b6/  Wendy’s journal: https://www.weavewellbeing.com/journal  Families in transition: https://www.weavewellbeing.com/gender-transitions  TransFamily Support Services: https://transfamilysos.org  TransFamilies: https://transfamilies.org/  Human Rights Campaign — Supporting Transgender, Non-binary, and Gender-Expansive Children: https://www.hrc.org/resources/supporting-trans-non-binary-gender-expansive-children  Recommended Books  Gender: Your Guide, 2nd Edition, The Gender-Friendly Primer on What to Know, What to Say, and What to Do in the New Gender Culture, Lee Airton, PhD  It's About You Too, Tracy Whitmore  Raising Trans Kids, Rebecca Minor  The Conscious Parent's Guide to Gender Identity, Darlene Tando, LCSW  ABOUT WENDY WILLIAMS  Wendy Williams is a Mayo-trained, board-certified health and wellness coach and owner of Weave Wellbeing. She helps individuals, couples and groups navigate major life transitions, with a special focus on supporting parents of children going through gender transitions. She is also a trained facilitator with Transforming Families MN, helping lead support groups for parents of transgender children of all ages.

    Helped, Heard, or Hugged? How to Support a Friend Through Their Child's Gender Transition (Ep 206)

  7. Oct 1

    Before It Becomes a Family Feud: The Power of Elder Mediation (Ep 205)

    When aging parents need more support, family relationships can become strained quickly. Siblings disagree about caregiving, parents resist difficult conversations, emotions run high, and important decisions become harder to make.  Most people know elder law attorneys exist, but few have heard of elder mediation, a growing field designed to help families navigate conflict before it turns into litigation.  In this episode, Kathy talks with attorney, social worker, and elder mediator Sherri Elder about how mediation helps families move beyond arguments and toward productive conversations. Together they explore the difference between positions and interests, why communication often breaks down during caregiving, and how a neutral third party can help families preserve relationships while making difficult decisions.  Whether you're currently caring for aging parents or simply want to avoid future family conflict, this conversation introduces a resource that could change the way your family approaches some of life's hardest conversations.  Key Takeaways  Elder mediation is one of the best-kept secrets in caregiving.  Many families don't realize there's an option between struggling on their own and hiring litigators. Elder mediation creates a structured conversation that helps families work through conflict before relationships become permanently damaged.  Positions create conflict. Interests create solutions.  One sibling may insist Dad stay home while another believes he belongs in a nursing home. Those are positions. The shared interest, however, is usually much simpler:  "We all want Dad to be safe."  Once families identify shared interests, entirely new solutions often become possible.  Communication usually breaks down long before families ask for help.  By the time many families seek mediation, resentment has been building for years.  Sherri encourages families not to wait for crisis mode. Mediation can strengthen communication before relationships reach a breaking point.  The goal isn't winning. It's preserving relationships.  Unlike litigation, mediation isn't about defeating another family member.  It's about creating decisions everyone can live with while protecting relationships that will continue long after today's conflict has passed.  The older adult deserves a voice whenever possible.  Even when someone is experiencing cognitive decline or dementia, that doesn't automatically mean they should be excluded from important conversations.  Mediation intentionally works to include older adults whenever it's appropriate.    About Sherri Elder  Sherri Elder is an attorney, licensed social worker, and certified elder mediator based in Indianapolis. After more than 30 years practicing elder law, she expanded her work into elder mediation to help families navigate conflict surrounding aging parents, caregiving, estate issues, and family communication.  Unlike legal representation, elder mediation provides a neutral space where families can work together toward solutions while preserving important relationships.  Learn more at: https://elder-legal.com/

    Before It Becomes a Family Feud: The Power of Elder Mediation (Ep 205)

  8. Sep 24

    The Onion Years: Peeling Back the Layers of Caregiving

    What happens when life piles multiple challenges on top of each other before you've had time to process the first one?  In this deeply personal conversation, Kathy sits down with digital productivity coach and entrepreneur Deb Lee to talk about navigating a season filled with grief, caregiving, unexpected trauma, and personal growth.  Deb shares what it's like to live in a multicultural, multigenerational household while caring for her widowed mother, raising a teenager, supporting her husband's business, and running her own company. She reflects on the loss of her father, the complexities of supporting a grieving parent while managing her own grief, and the lessons she's learned about communication, control, and asking for help.  She also courageously shares, for the first time publicly, the story of surviving a violent carjacking and how that experience transformed her understanding of resilience, strength, and the kindness of strangers.  Throughout the conversation, Deb offers powerful insights about navigating uncertainty, leaning on your village, and discovering what you're truly capable of when life pushes you beyond your comfort zone.  If you've ever found yourself carrying multiple responsibilities while facing your own challenges, this episode is a reminder that strength isn't about avoiding hardship but finding your way through it.  In This Episode, We Discuss:  Living in a multicultural, multigenerational household   Supporting an aging parent through grief and transition   Navigating the loss of a parent while caregiving for another   Learning when and how to ask for help   Finding unexpected kindness from strangers   Managing a business during personal crises   Why communication matters in every relationship   Discovering resilience through life's hardest moments   Resources and Links:  Deb Lee’s Digital Productivity Consulting business: https://www.dallisonlee.com  Deb Lee’s Thrive Hive, her co-working and productivity community for solopreneurs  https://dallisonlee.com/thrive-hive-membership/   Instagram.com/dallisonlee  Facebook.com/dallisonlee  LinkedIn.com/in/dallisonlee  About Deb Lee:  Deb Lee is a digital productivity coach and founder of D. Allison Lee. She helps entrepreneurs and business leaders create systems, workflows, and habits that reduce overwhelm, prevent burnout, and make work feel more manageable and sustainable.  She is also the creator of Thrive Hive, a coworking and community space designed to help solo business owners stay focused, connected, and supported.

    The Onion Years: Peeling Back the Layers of Caregiving
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Trailer

5
out of 5
14 Ratings

About

Helping midlife women get unstuck – at home, at work, in our relationships, from ourselves – one chat at a time. Host Kathy Vines explores all sorts of ways we can get stuck and brings us together to see the possibility and strike a path forward and get UNstuck. Come for education, inspiration, entertainment, and action! Podcast Engineer: Nate Winchell Music: "Take Off," Luke Bergs & Waesto (licensed material) Presented by Clever Girl Organizing, Inc.

Information

  • Creator
    Kathy Vines
  • Years Active
    2025 - 2026
  • Episodes
    53
  • Rating
    Clean
  • Copyright
    © Kathy Vines
  • Show Website
    Surfing the Quicksand

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