My Inner Torch

DS
  • 4.2 (12)
  • SELF-IMPROVEMENT
  • UPDATED WEEKLY

My Inner Torch offers direct and personal insight with help for those of us in a relationship with someone who is undiagnosed/diagnosed with a Cluster B Personality Disorder. This is a safe place to come for words of inspiration that draw from my personal experiences and is produced to gain understanding and to find direction as we navigate through the often difficult relationships with those we love who suffer with a Cluster B personality disorder that includes BPD and NPD. PLEASE NOTE: This podcast is NOT for those who suffer with these disorders. This podcast is for survivors of these challenging and difficult relationships.

  1. 6D AGO

    Staying/Healing!

    Send us a text 🎯 Key Takeaways Core Points: I accept the reality of a cluster B individual’s behavior without approval; they will not change. This stops my fruitless struggle.I adjust my expectations within the relationship, no longer seeking genuine apologies or emotional fulfillment from the other person.I practice emotional detachment by focusing on my personal boundaries, responses, and self-care, stopping their emotional storms from affecting me.I avoid reactive responses to provocations; I choose calm over chaos to regain my personal power.I rebuild my personal identity through hobbies, social connections, journaling, and specialized support to restore my sense of self.I plan for my future safety and stability, whether I stay or leave, by developing options and regaining personal control.🔍 Summary Healing While Remaining in a Relationship My healing can begin even while I remain in a relationship with a cluster B individual, even when leaving is not an immediate choice due to various life factors. I understand that postponing personal progress is not necessary; I can take conscious steps today. My path to healing within such a relationship involves a six-step process that shifts focus to my personal growth and self-preservation. Radical Acceptance of Reality The initial and most challenging step involves radical acceptance. I acknowledge the reality of the other person’s behavior without approving or excusing it. I recognize that cluster B personalities are not likely to change into empathetic partners. By accepting this reality, without fantasy or romanticized hopes, I end my constant emotional struggle, allowing myself a freeing process from emotional tug-of-war. Redefining Personal Engagement Once acceptance is established, I can redefine my rules of engagement. This includes letting go of expectations for genuine apologies or for the other person to meet my emotional needs. I stop the cycle of constantly justifying, arguing, defending, or explaining my perspective. Instead, I focus on my personal control over boundaries, my individual responses, and my self-care. This approach fosters my emotional detachment, allowing me to remain physically present without being controlled by the other person’s internal storms. Avoiding Reactive Responses A critical step in my healing is to avoid reactive abuse. I recognize that cluster B individuals often provoke, leading to emotional outbursts from me, which then shifts blame. By recognizing these patterns, I choose a calm response instead of reacting emotionally. This choice helps me reclaim my personal power, as the other person thrives on chaos, and choosing calm disrupts our dynamic. Rebuilding Personal Identity Over time, such relationships often erode my sense of self. Rebuilding my personal identity is vital for my healing within the relationship. I can reconnect with past hobbies and passions, renew ties with supportive friends or family, and journal to validate my own perceptions. By seeking therapy or support groups specifically experienced in narcissistic dynamics, I reinforce that I am not alone. My goal is to shift focus back to myself and rediscover my individual identity without waiting for external freedom. Planning for the Future My healing also involves proactively preparing for future stability and safety. I consider my financial, emotional, and physical well-being. I think about what it would take to leave if I chose to, and how to strengthen myself now to avoid making decisions from a position of distress later. This preparation provides me with options and restores Support the show

    14 min

  2. OCT 3

    Why the Cluster B CANNOT Love US!

    Send us a text 🎯 Key Takeaways Core Points: I now recognize the intense initial affection from Cluster B individuals as idealization, reflecting their desires rather than genuine love for who I truly am.I understand that Cluster B personalities often have an emotional void, making them unable to offer consistent, reciprocal, or lasting love.I observe that their “love” is conditional, serving their needs for validation and control; it disappears when my personal boundaries are set or expectations are unmet.I have ceased efforts to resurrect the early, idealized phase of the relationship, as it was an illusion and not a foundation for sustainable, authentic love.I accept that Cluster B individuals like my wife cannot love in the way I deserve, recognizing this as their incapacity, not a reflection of my worth.I prioritize self-love, forgiveness, and respect to heal and open myself to healthy relationships, starting with my own well-being.🔍 Summary The Illusion of Love in Cluster B Relationships My relationship involving a Cluster B personality began with an intense display of affection, admiration, and attention that I initially perceived as profound love. This powerful initial stage represented idealization, where my partner projected a fantasy onto me, seeing me as embodying desired qualities like admiration, validation, or stability. I mistook her initial intense interest and mirroring of my pursuits for genuine love. This perceived affection lacked a basis in reality and collapsed when my actual flaws, boundaries, or personal needs inevitably emerged, causing the illusion to break apart. The Incapacity for Genuine, Lasting Love I learned that Cluster B personalities are typically unable to offer genuine and lasting love because of an inherent emotional emptiness. This void prevents them from truly containing or reciprocating love, like a bottomless well that simply absorbs any affection poured into it. Their actions are primarily driven by a pursuit of validation, supply, and control, rather than authentic connection. True love necessitates a stable sense of self, empathy, and the capacity for equal, reciprocal connection—attributes often lacking in individuals with Cluster B traits. Consequently, the affection they extend is conditional, dependent on continually serving their needs and reflecting their moods. Conditional Love and Its Consequences The “love” offered by my Cluster B partner was fundamentally conditional; it persisted only as long as I satisfied their demands and provided a consistent source of validation. When I established boundaries, expressed my own needs, or caused disappointment, this conditional affection vanished instantly, often leading to dismissal or contempt. I experienced how her “love” transitioned into criticism or withdrawal when I failed to fulfill her emotional void or demonstrated my humanity. In contrast, true love endures imperfections, adapts, compromises, and forgives, while conditional love typically punishes, withdraws, and manipulates. I once clung to the memory of the initial idealization, mistakenly believing that increased effort would restore that version of love, even though it was never genuine love to begin with. Accepting Truth and Prioritizing Self-Love Accepting the difficult truth that my Cluster B partner cannot love me in the manner I desire or deserve was a vital step toward my personal healing. This acceptance signifies clarity rather than bitterness, acknowledging that the inability to love stems from their limitations, not from any unworthiness in me. I have shifted my focus from anticipating love from an i Support the show

    13 min

  3. SEP 26

    Are you GUILTY of Reactive Abuse?

    Send us a text 🎯 Key Takeaways Core Points: I understand that reactive abuse happens when I, as a survivor, respond to intense provocation from a Cluster B individual, which leads to my own regret and makes me appear abusive.I recognize that reacting to Cluster B provocation is a trap that fuels their narrative and strengthens their control.I will avoid engaging in unwinnable arguments or using “JADE” (justifying, arguing, defending, explaining) as these tactics are ineffective.I choose to cultivate acceptance by understanding the Cluster B will not change, prioritizing my peace over conflict, and focusing on my personal well-being.I will practice emotional detachment by pausing before responding, ensuring any engagement is truly worth my peace.I am committed to reclaiming my freedom by refusing to play their manipulative game, shifting my attention to my self-relationship and healing.🔍 Summary Understanding Reactive Abuse I define reactive abuse as the intense emotional response I exhibit when relentlessly provoked by a Cluster B individual. This reaction often leaves me feeling regretful and allows them to label me as the abuser, effectively flipping the narrative. I now understand that reactive abuse is a trap because any emotional response I give fuels their story, reinforcing their sense of power and control, ultimately ensuring I “lose” the interaction. The Philosophy of Acceptance To stop feeding this cycle, I am adopting a philosophy of acceptance. This does not mean defeat or condoning abusive behaviors. Instead, it means understanding the Cluster B’s unchanging nature and choosing not to engage in their manipulative “game.” I now realize that no amount of arguing, emotional outbursts, or reasoned debate will alter their behavior. I specifically avoid “JADE” mode—justifying, arguing, defending, and explaining myself—as it is unproductive. My choice is now clear: persist in unwinnable battles or choose a path of peace by observing their behavior without reacting. Emotional Detachment for Peace Reactive abuse thrives on emotional reactivity, and I’ve learned that emotional detachment is its antidote. This doesn’t mean becoming numb but developing the capacity to pause and breathe before responding. I now ask myself if a given battle is worth my peace, and often find the answer is no. Instead of taking the bait, I can walk away, refuse to escalate, or respond calmly, or not at all. This approach signifies my strength, as it denies the Cluster B the emotional reaction they desire for validation. Reclaiming Personal Well-being A significant aspect of my healing involves choosing to enjoy life beyond constant conflict. I am finding room to breathe and heal by ceasing to fight and react. This allows me to focus on simple pleasures, like watching television or taking a walk, signifying my shift from a state of constant war to one of intentional peace. This change helps me rebuild myself and discover quiet moments of healing amidst challenging relationships. Achieving Freedom by Refusal I now understand that I cannot win the game a Cluster B individual plays, but I can win my freedom by refusing to play. This involves not feeding the abuse, not engaging in battles, and choosing civility. By accepting the Cluster B for who they are—not as a sign of surrender but of strength—I reclaim my personal energy, sanity, and peace. Redirecting my attention away from them and back to myself is a vital step toward my personal healing and investing in the most important relationship: the one with myself. Support the show

    12 min

  4. SEP 19

    The Cluster B Ponzi Scheme

    Send us a text 🎯 Key Takeaways Core Points: I now recognize Cluster B relationships as “Ponzi schemes.” They start with intense love bombing, mirroring, and promises that feel tailor-made to me.I understand that early “returns” in these relationships are illusions. These are funded by my own emotional investment, not a genuine connection.I’m aware of intermittent reinforcement used to keep me invested. This involves alternating cruelty with small acts of kindness that manipulate my emotions.I accept that Cluster B relationships lack real equity, respect, and reciprocity. This leads to my inevitable emotional collapse.I acknowledge that I was targeted in these relationships and am not foolish. Cluster B personalities expertly exploit my hope, trust, and vulnerability.I’m focusing on my recovery by grieving the lost dream. I’m learning to forgive myself and rebuild with self-love, healthy boundaries, and authentic connections.🔍 Summary The Cluster B Ponzi Scheme I’ve come to draw an analogy between Cluster B relationships and Ponzi schemes. I describe how these relationships begin with “love bombing,” promising incredible connection. Like a Ponzi scheme, the initial investment feels rewarding, but is unsustainable. I reflect on my own 23-year marriage as a personal example. Initial Investment: Love Bombing and Mirroring Cluster Bs swept me off my feet, mirroring my values and making me feel like I’d found “the one.” This felt custom-made, but I now see it was a calculated strategy to get me to invest emotionally. Instead of money, I invested my heart, soul, time, and identity. The early returns seemed incredible, making me feel cherished and seen. Intermittent Reinforcement: Keeping Me Invested The initial “returns” weren’t real and were fueled by my willingness to invest further. As the relationship progressed, the love bombing decreased, and the mask slipped. I started working harder to regain the initial affection, leading to intermittent reinforcement. This involved alternating cruelty with breadcrumbs of kindness, hooking me deeper by creating hope for a return to the initial idealization. The Inevitable Collapse and Its Aftermath Like all Ponzi schemes, my Cluster B relationship eventually collapsed due to the lack of real equity, authentic love, respect, or reciprocity. The returns were just illusions. The collapse left me emotionally bankrupt, questioning everything I believed. I was reluctant to accept the collapse of my marriage, yet I now recognize its inauthenticity. Understanding Why I Fell For It and My Recovery I fell for this scheme because I craved love and connection. Cluster B personalities are experts at exploiting my hope and vulnerability, especially given my background of conditional love. My recovery involves accepting that what I thought was real wasn’t, grieving the lost dream, and forgiving myself for buying into the illusion. I’m rebuilding my life with self-love, healthy boundaries, and authentic connections, prioritizing investing in myself and relationships based on honesty and kindness. Support the show

    14 min

  5. SEP 12

    Why do WE love our Cluster B?

    Send us a text 🎯 Key Takeaways Core Points: I now understand that Cluster B relationships start with idealization, making me feel deeply understood, but it’s a false persona, not real love.I recognize that trauma bonding keeps me in the cycle, confusing intense highs and lows with love, similar to addiction.I’ve learned that the hope that the idealized person will return fuels the cycle, despite that person never existing in reality.I now see how my familiarity with chaotic dynamics from childhood can make Cluster B relationships feel like “home,” reenacting old wounds.I realize my attempts to “fix” or “rescue” a Cluster B partner fail because their emotional barriers prevent vulnerability and genuine connection.I am committed to healing by recognizing that I love the illusion, breaking the trauma bond, and choosing steady, reciprocal, and safe love for myself instead.🔍 Summary The Illusion of Love and Idealization My Cluster B relationship often began with intense idealization and love bombing, creating a false sense of connection. I experienced how they mirrored me, making me feel seen and cherished. This initial phase felt like destiny, but I now understand it was based on a constructed persona rather than a genuine connection. This “false self” was carefully projected, creating an intoxicating illusion that was difficult for me to resist. The Cycle of Trauma Bonding I now understand how trauma bonding played a significant role in why I remained in this relationship, creating an addictive cycle of idealization, devaluation, and discard. The highs of love bombing were followed by inevitable rejection, leading me to crave the return of the idealized person. This pattern created a biological addiction, driving me to cling to breadcrumbs of affection and hope for change. The False Hope for Change Hope was a major factor in my staying, as I believed my love and patience would bring back the person I thought existed. However, I now realize the idealized person never existed - it was merely a performance. The real person was self-centered and incapable of providing healthy, reciprocal love. Recognizing this reality has been essential for my breaking free from the cycle. Re-enactment of Old Wounds I’ve come to understand that I often grew up in an environment where love was conditional or unsafe, leading me to unconsciously seek out similar chaotic dynamics. My nervous system confused this familiarity with “home,” causing me to re-enact old wounds in the hope of finally receiving the love I lacked in childhood. I now see that this pattern never leads to healing or fulfillment. Breaking the Cycle and Choosing Self-Love The key to my healing lies in recognizing that I was in love with an illusion and choosing self-love instead. This involves grieving the dysfunctional relationship and the versions of myself that accepted crumbs. True healing means breaking the cycle, understanding that real love is steady, reciprocal, and safe, and investing in myself rather than trying to “win” a war with the Cluster B partner. I now see that seeking healing is a sign of strength and that choosing self-love is my path to positive energy and well-being. Support the show

    13 min

  6. SEP 5

    Did THEY ever love us?

    Send us a text 🎯 Key Takeaways Core Points: I’ve questioned my Clustered B partner’s love because of the deep pain I’ve experienced and my desperate desire to understand if their behaviors could coexist with genuine affection.What I once believed was love was actually an allure - a manipulative tool used for control, supply, and validation, not a genuine connection of mutual care.Their version of “love” was always conditional and transactional, entirely dependent on my ability to fulfill their needs and feed their ego.The moment I set boundaries or stopped providing constant supply, they became indifferent and contemptuous, which painfully revealed the absence of true love.I’ve realized I must shift my focus from seeking their validation to cultivating my own self-love and recognizing my inherent worth.I now understand that my Clustered B partner has an extremely limited capacity for love, and my priority must be my own healing and well-being.🔍 Summary Love vs. Allure The central question I’ve grappled with is whether my Clustered B partner was capable of genuine love. My yearning to understand if I was ever truly loved comes from a place of deep, personal pain and a heartfelt desire to reconcile their abusive behaviors with a hopeful belief in underlying affection. The initial phase of our relationship, which felt like an intense honeymoon period, seemed so passionate and promising. However, I now recognize this was merely an “allure” - a carefully constructed facade designed to draw me in. Transactional Affection The affection my partner displayed was always tied to control and their need for supply. Their “love bombing” was fundamentally conditional, linked exclusively to what I could provide - whether that was admiration, attention, emotional support, or material resources. This was starkly different from my understanding of love, which involves mutual care, trust, and personal growth. For them, love was purely about fulfilling their own needs. The Shift to Self-Love When I began setting boundaries or my supply of validation and admiration diminished, their entire demeanor shifted to cold indifference and contempt. This painful reaction definitively proved that their affection was purely transactional. I’ve since transformed my central question from "Did they ever love me?’ to “Am I ready to love myself?”. This journey involves reclaiming my self-worth and stopping my futile search for validation from someone fundamentally incapable of providing it. Limited Capacity for Love I’ve accepted that my Clustered B partner has an extremely limited capacity for love. Their ability to care quickly evaporates when it no longer serves their immediate needs. I now understand that I must devote my energy to self-healing rather than seeking validation from those who cannot genuinely provide it. Most importantly, I’ve discovered that I am capable of deep, honest, and lasting love - especially the love I can give myself. Support the show

    13 min

  7. AUG 29

    Letting Go.....

    Send us a text 🎯 Key Takeaways Core Points: I recognize the cycle of abuse: love bombing, devaluation, discard, and potential hoovering. I am aware that these patterns can still affect me even if hoovering is not present.I understand that letting go is a process. It requires my mental, emotional, and physical preparation.I acknowledge my trauma bonds and lingering hope. I understand that these can tie me to the abuser. Leaving means breaking free from the belief that I deserve the abuse.I prepare for resistance and potential hoovering attempts. I know the abuser may try to reel me back in once they sense me pulling away.I rehearse no contact. I mentally prepare for the emotional warfare of cutting ties and resisting the urge to respond.I focus on rediscovering myself. I imagine and dare to believe in a life free from manipulation and walking on eggshells.🔍 Summary Cycle of Abuse and Its Impact I discuss the familiar cycle of abuse perpetuated by individuals with Cluster B personality traits. This cycle typically begins with love bombing, progresses to devaluation, involves a discard phase, and potentially includes hoovering. Even without direct hoovering, I acknowledge the persistent impact of these patterns. The devaluation and discard phases have led to my self-doubt. This has made it difficult for me to break free from the relationship. The Process of Letting Go Letting go is not a single act but a process. I emphasize the need for thorough preparation on multiple levels: physical, emotional, and mental. This preparation is vital because leaving an abusive relationship is challenging, regardless of its duration. My initial step is acknowledging the need to leave and beginning to build the resources and resolve necessary issues for that step. Trauma Bonds and the Illusion of Hope Trauma bonds and lingering hope are significant obstacles to letting go. These emotional ties make it difficult for me to leave. I admit to still harboring hope that things might change, despite recognizing the unlikelihood of such a transformation. This hope is tied to the abuser holding onto my identity. Therefore, breaking free requires challenging the belief that I deserve the abuse and recognizing the possibility of a better life. Preparing for Resistance and Hoovering Preparing for resistance and potential hoovering is crucial for me. I anticipate facing resistance, including anger, upon deciding to leave. I need to anticipate potential attempts by the abuser to win me back. They may try to prevent the end of the relationship. Remaining resolute and resisting the temptation to believe that things will be different this time is critical for my success in leaving the relationship. Rehearsing No Contact I underscore the importance of rehearsing no contact. It involves mentally preparing for the emotional challenges of cutting ties and resisting the urge to respond to the abuser’s attempts to re-engage. This rehearsal helps me build the strength needed to maintain boundaries and avoid being drawn back into the cycle of abuse. This emotional warfare is difficult to navigate without prior mental preparation. Rediscovering Self and Imagining Freedom I look forward to rediscovering myself. I envision a future free from manipulation and the constant need to walk on eggshells. I imagine clarity and the opportunity to create a new identity shaped by my knowledge and experience. Daring to believe in the possibility of such freedom is an important part of my preparation process. It reinforces my motivation to leave and embrace a better future. Support the show

    12 min

  8. AUG 22

    Forgive Yourself!

    Send us a text 🎯 Key Takeaways Core Points: I need to shift my focus from forgiving the cluster B individual to forgiving myself to start my healing process.I acknowledge that I may have made less than ideal choices, like ignoring red flags or hoping for change, without blaming myself for the abuse I received.I recognize the cycle of abuse, gaslighting, and manipulation inherent in my cluster B relationship.I will verbalize self-compassionate statements, such as apologizing to myself for abandoning my needs and silencing my inner voice.I understand that self-forgiveness is about liberating myself from guilt and self-criticism, not excusing the abuser’s actions.I will prioritize my healing by removing myself from the abusive situation to reclaim my energy, worth, and life.🔍 Summary Forgiving Myself, Not Them The core message is for me to shift the focus of forgiveness from the cluster B individual to myself. This involves recognizing my need to forgive myself for choices made within the relationship. It marks a critical step toward my healing and reclaiming my life. I understand that true healing begins when I turn my focus inward and start forgiving myself, rather than endlessly forgiving the other person. Acknowledging My Choices and Red Flags I am learning to acknowledge that I may not have made the best choices, such as entering or staying in the relationship. This involves understanding that ignoring red flags, hoping for change, and investing too much can be part of my journey. Acknowledging these choices doesn’t mean I deserved the abuse, but rather, that it’s important for me to understand how I arrived at my present situation. Breaking the Cycle of Abuse I now recognize the cycle of abuse in my cluster B relationship, which includes rage, gaslighting, and manipulation. I understand that I often ended up apologizing for the abuser’s behaviors. Breaking free involves recognizing this pattern and understanding that forgiving the abuser only perpetuates the cycle, giving them permission to repeat the abuse. Practicing Self-Compassion Self-compassion means offering myself the same kindness and understanding I would offer a friend. This includes verbalizing statements of self-forgiveness, such as apologizing to myself for abandoning my needs, silencing my inner voice, and ignoring red flags. Saying these things out loud validates my feelings and helps me believe I can move on. Liberation Through Self-Forgiveness I now see that self-forgiveness is not about blaming myself or excusing the abuser, but about liberating myself from guilt, self-criticism, and the endless “what ifs” planted by the cluster B individual. It’s about shifting from feeling like a victim to recognizing myself as a survivor who has learned and grown. This shift allows me to stop living in their shadow and start living in my own light. Reclaiming My Life The final step involves me reclaiming my life by forcibly removing myself from the abusive situation. While still in the situation, self-forgiveness tools can help me get through the day, week, or even years. Ultimately, I know true healing requires distance and a commitment to prioritizing my own well-being, energy, and worth. Support the show

    13 min
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4.2
out of 5
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About

My Inner Torch offers direct and personal insight with help for those of us in a relationship with someone who is undiagnosed/diagnosed with a Cluster B Personality Disorder. This is a safe place to come for words of inspiration that draw from my personal experiences and is produced to gain understanding and to find direction as we navigate through the often difficult relationships with those we love who suffer with a Cluster B personality disorder that includes BPD and NPD. PLEASE NOTE: This podcast is NOT for those who suffer with these disorders. This podcast is for survivors of these challenging and difficult relationships.

Information

  • Creator
    DS
  • Years Active
    2020 - 2025
  • Episodes
    258
  • Rating
    Clean
  • Copyright
    © 2025 My Inner Torch
  • Show Website
    My Inner Torch

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