Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive Jen Lumanlan

Polyvagal Theory is everywhere these days.


Psychologists talk about it; parenting coaches talk about it; if you’re in
the mental health field you’re probably referring to polyvagal theory in some way. So one would assume that there’s lots of evidence for it, right? Well, maybe. Maybe not.


In this episode I dig into the foundational principles of Polyvagal Theory and find that there's a lot less evidence supporting it than you might think, given how many places it's used.


So what's going on? Is it legit? Should we be using a different theory to understand our experience instead?


But all may not be lost! Maybe there are aspects of the theory that we can still use...the episode suggests a path forward on this.

Parenting Beyond Power is officially available today! Come join a mini-celebration with me in this podcast episode, and TODAY on Zoom at 11am Pacific/2pm Eastern/8pm Central Europe, and in-person this weekend if you're in the Bay Area!




Do you celebrate your achievements? I don't know about you, but I find it pretty difficult.




I didn't celebrate getting into Berkeley or Yale, or graduating from either of those places either (in fact, I think I was in the car driving away from each of those places when the graduation ceremonies happened).




I didn't celebrate getting U.S. citizenship, or have a baby shower, and Alvin and Carys buy or make me a birthday cake every year because they want to, but I don't really celebrate that either.




I didn't celebrate signing a book deal two years ago, and when we rolled over 3 million downloads recently I asked someone on my team to make a quick social post...and that was it.




So celebrating the book's launch feels...weird to me. But apparently people who write books do it, so I'm giving it a try - Jen style.




I invited a listener, María José (MJ) Durán, to ask me whatever questions she had about the book and the writing process for a mini-celebration.




(I did slip in a couple of questions for her as well, and I have to say that her response to me asking what she got out of the book was really meaningful for me - she now understands her own Mom in a way she hadn't been able to until now, which has brought María José (MJ) Durán some measure of relief.)




Come join one of our mini-celebrations! Listen to the podcast episode, or join me live today...or both!

One of the questions I'm asked most often about Parenting Beyond Power (preorder bonuses are available for just a few more days!) is:

How is reading the book different from listening to the podcast?



So when a group of listeners volunteered to get together to discuss what they got out of the book, that was the first thing I wanted to ask them.



The core premise of the book is that the social forces of White supremacy, patriarchy, and capitalism have really hurt us - they're the biggest reason why we feel so much pain and shame. And we will pass on those hurts to our own children unless we do something different - and most of the book is about what we actually do differently to make parenting easier today, and work toward creating a world where everyone belongs.

Eliza began:
Each podcast episode is a deep dive into one topic, and what I loved about the book was that I've spent time thinking about all of these topics separately, but now I see the threads between them so much more clearly so I can see which pieces I still want to think more about or work on.



Kat added:
I do have some knowledge about how these cultural forces are affecting the population, and I'm constantly working on addressing them in myself. And the book provides a central place where we can address these issues with ourselves, and our children, and that that branches out into the community and the world at large. I think it's very powerful to have that central hub to help me connect all the different pieces of knowledge I have...and then do something with them!



Elizabeth concluded:
The examples are really helpful and I found them easy to connect with. I can't wait until I have the physical book in my hand to be able to go through and scribble notes in the margins!

We talked about the needs cupcake, and how we can use that to understand the needs that both we and our children are trying to meet on a regular basis. Eliza found that she's able to be more regulated by managing the level of sound around her - which she hadn't realized was a 'cherry' need for her until now!



Eliza coached Elizabeth through a struggle she's having with her daughter not wanting to go to bed, and Kat talked through a beautiful story of how she's supporting her children, who have been fighting with each other a LOT. Now they fight a lot less, because their needs are met more often. We're lucky that we heard Kat share that story before her phone battery died!



Parenting Beyond Power is still available for pre-order for just a few more days...which means the pre-order bonuses are available for just a few more days too! (We will still have some bonuses available after September 5, but some of the coolest ones are going away then.)



[Button] Click here to get the Parenting Beyond Power bonuses!



And don't forget to mark your calendar for our launch events:
Tuesday September 5 from 11am-noon Pacific on Zoom


Sunday September 10 from 10am-noon LIVE in the Bay Area

Do you try to give your children messages about gender that are aligned with your values? Do you tell your daughter that she can do anything she wants to do, and look for shows that have equal representation of male- and female-presenting characters?



If so, you're off to a good start.


And...there's so much more to do.


One of the core ideas in my book, Parenting Beyond Power, is that we parents pass cultural messages on to our children. We do that through the books we read, the actions we praise, and the conversations we have (or don't have).


I don't censor the books I'm reading to Carys - we just talk about them. Right now we're reading Wild Born, Book 1 of the Spirit Animals collection. (I did check to make sure that the concept of 'spirit animals' isn't disrespectful to Indigenous people...it turns out it's a concept that White people made up, and it's only disrespectful if we try to link it to Indigenous practices.)



Here's an excerpt from the beginning of Chapter 3:


"Meilin sat on a cushion before her looking glass, meticulously applying facial paint. She didn't mind letting her handmaidens prepare her for festivals or banquets. But today was important. Today she wanted to look just right. And when you wanted something done right, you did it yourself.


After finishing the accents around her eyes, Meilin inspected her handiwork. It was a work of art atop a work of art. People always remarked that she was stunning. She had never needed paint on her face to earn compliments. But now she possessed an allure beyond her natural beauty."


It goes on to describe the strategic imperfection in her hair that made it "more appealing," and then she practices the looks she will display during her ceremony.



There's a lot going on here... It starts with the White supremacy-based idea that if you want something done right you can never rely on others but only do it yourself. (This book seems to be primarily about relationships, so I assume it's marketed to girls. And we wonder where women and mothers get the idea that they have to do it all themselves if we want it done right?) The book opened with a male character who obviously cared a lot about his clothes who waited impatiently while a servant connected forty eight clasps.


No male character's face is described in this level of detail. No male character puts paint on their face. No male character is introduced to the reader as an object to be looked upon with desire.



This is how cultural ideas are passed on.


This is how girls learn that being pretty has currency.



That it's a girl's job to create and use their appearance to manipulate others.


And if any boys happen to be reading, they learn that their job is to judge the performance.



These messages are harmful for all children, because they say that certain behaviors aren't acceptable in certain children - for no other reason than it doesn't match their genitals (of all things!).



What messages are your children learning about gender from the books you're reading to them, or that they're reading by themselves?



In this episode Virginia Mendez, author of Childhood Unlimited: Parenting Beyond the Gender Bias (affiliate link), helps us to see examples like this in books, films, toys, and even in the language we use around and toward our children.



Join me for this fun conversation with Virginia as we learn how to raise children who won't be constrained by their gender, and who can express their full selves.

In this episode we hear from listener Lindsay who wonders whether it's safe to delay math learning, since (they've heard) there's a 'critical window' for learning language.


Would delaying math learning mean that our child can't catch up later? Will they develop a negative view of their own learning? What if they can't get into college? We address all of these questions and more.

When you listen to this episode you may get a bit of a sense of deja vu - way back in 2020, listener Kelly reached out to me and asked if I would be willing to do an episode on parental burnout, which she was struggling to navigate at the time. We ended up interviewing Dr. Moira Mikolajczak, one of the world's experts on parental burnout.

 

After the conversation Dr. Mikolajczak expressed to me how much her heart went out to Kelly, who was navigating what seemed like an individual-level problem when it was actually very much our society's failure to support her that created the problem. Having explored the connection between race and parenting in a series of episodes the previous year, ideas were definitely percolating for me about how societal issues show up in our families which is, of course, a massive theme in my book (which will be published on September 5!).

 

So it was so amazing to see Kelly recently in a much better place, reflecting on the connections between her school-based learning and her burnout, and how she's taking steps to help her child learn lessons she thinks are truly important, like how to:

 

Think critically about messages she receives from other people;
See multiple people's needs in an interaction, and find ways to meet both of their needs;
Learn about the world immediately around her (which often involves Kelly backing off and not doing anything, rather than stepping in to teach a lesson).


 

Kelly's children are certainly learning profound lessons in this process - but so is Kelly. I'm not sure I've ever seen anyone so delighted to say that she's thrown out a puzzle book that still had three un-done puzzles in that she didn't want to do, having (finally) learned that it's OK not to finish every single thing you start. Because not being able to do that can lead to burnout.



 

 





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